MOM

Mom, 
 I am sitting here listening to classic rock and I started to remember how you and I would go cruising in your little red car around town on a summers night with the windows down and the classic rock station turned up loud, listening to our favorite songs from the 80s and singing at the top of our lungs as we stopped for cokes on ice as you called them from Sonic.  So many songs playing now that remind me of those days, having the music on in the house with the windows open and the summer breeze blowing in as we either cleaned house or sitting on the deck or in the swimming pool.  I miss our talks that we used to have during those times and those times we didn't talk, I miss watching scary movies with you and how you had to watch Ghost Hunters, and how you and I had many talks about the paranormal and you told me that when you passed and there was an afterlife, you would come to me and give me the sign that we agreed upon that you would give me,  I wish I could have those days back mom. It isn't fair that at the age of 56 you had to have your memories stolen by Alzheimer's and your spark and life taken.  I know somewhere in there you are still there, I wish that you could become you again and listen to music with me once more. Mom I want you to know I am keeping the promise you made me keep to you and not come home to see you that way, I wish I could talk to you and I wish that you would remember me as I remember you. I want to thank you for everything mom, I want you to know that I am happy in my life, I am living in San Diego with Patrick, happily married and getting stronger each day, mom I am taking voice lessons and sang in front of the family, I sang Jolene by Dolly Parton, one of your favorite songs. No matter what mom as the old Bob Seger Song Said "You're Still The Same" you always will be in my memories.  

I WILL NOT KEEP SILENT.

I am saddened by how things turned out with this election, I did not vote for him, and I didn't really like Hillary as well. I have never seen so much hate as I have now coming from some of the Trump supporters,   I am saddened by how my Native brothers and sisters are being treated as they fight to keep their sacred lands. I am saddened by how young Native girls and girls everywhere are being sexually abused, beaten, brought down, made to feel shame for being a female, some forced to runaway and sell themselves on the streets just so they can survive feeling that way is much better than what they ran away from. I am saddened that we have homeless children and men and women on the streets, because no one cares enough, I am saddened that children are being abused, going to bed hungry.  I am sad that we live in a world where it's much better to pull out our cell phones and film some people fighting and someone being beaten than it is to step in and say enough or try to break it up, I am saddened to see how the elderly are treated, I am saddened that a young girl thinks it's okay to show her body and starve herself,  because she thinks that is going to make her popular.  I am saddened that teenagers everywhere think it's better to kill themselves than face another day of being bullied and picked on for loving who they wish, being who they want to be, or for being too fat, or to thin. I am saddened that people would rather bury their noses in their cell phones instead of showing concern for those that are silently suffering.  I am saddened by how this became a world of self entitlement, and distance, self centered and turning away, of abuse and hate, of not caring about the Earth and those that are in it. Growing up I  was told I can't do this or I can't do that, that I would never amount to anything,  I was abused, I started to feel like there was no hope, when I was being molested and abused I was told to be quiet to not tell to not feel, I was bullied in high school to the point that I wanted to kill myself, to not fight back as it would make me seem like I was to strong willed, I have been called a bitch, a cunt, a whore, a slut, fat, stupid, for speaking my mind and trying to fight back, I almost gave in and almost kept silent, but I WILL NOT KEEP SILENT.

Rest Well Sweet Mali

Good Morning and blessed be, 
Mali ended up coming back, she was just in hiding.  She had been ill for some time and my husband took her to her vet last Saturday, we found out she had an allergic reaction to the plaque on her teeth and it caused an infection. We were given pain meds and special food, but still my girl wouldn't eat. We made the decision to have her put to sleep so she wouldn't suffer no longer. I called her vet on Monday the 24th and was told to bring her in at 6:15 pm, so I held her all day and loved on her, it was so hard looking at the time and thinking to myself, she only has this many more hours to be with me. She purred and rubbed her head against me. My husband came home and got her and took, I could not go as I was too heartbroken to do so. He stayed with her until she left, We are having her cremated and brought back home. She was such love bug who gave me lots of joy and love and I in turn gave her lots of love as well. I miss you my girl. 

I love you now and always, my sweet girl. Rest well and keep running free. 

UPDATE: 11/10/2016
I got my Mali girl back, the Pet Cemetery and Cremation Services of Soreno Valley cremated my girl and did a paw print of her paw in clay 

   

My Furry Feline

Good morning all, if you're reading this may I ask you for prayers, blessings, etc for my Furry Feline, Mali, she has gone missing and I cannot find her, the last time I saw her she was curled up on my husband the night before last and that was the last time I saw her.  I do not know if she got out and just wandered off to die, she had been not feeling well not eating or going to the bathroom or drinking water, I have checked both closets and under the beds, but no sign of her. I do not remember having the front door open for long periods of time. So I am not sure where she is..I pray to the Goddess that she isn't here in the house dead. It's not like her not to come out and nose around for a bit or to come out when my husband gets home, she loves cuddling with him. I am heartsick and asking the Goddess to allow me to find her. She was also my buddy and my sometimes familiar, she would cuddle to me when I was feeling down and go nuts when we got out the spray can of whipped cream. I have a feeling in my heart that she went off to die.I miss my furry little Feline.

A Litle Flawed And That Is Okay

Good afternoon all, 
I am still in the process of making my own book, here is what I have done so far. I added the leather to the cover and started and molded the spine ribs under the leather on the spine, I made the mistake of gluing the top down first before doing some trimming so I tried to trim it anyway thus showing the white. I ran out of super glue so hubby ordered more for me and will finish up with gluing down the spine. I am waiting for the silver corner pieces to get here, which are coming from Michael's, and the screw posts which are coming from China. Will have to do some touch up on the spine inside as it's pulling, I'll use super glue to do that.  This is a practice one and so I am learning as I go. I have enough supplies to make another book or two. I feel proud of my work, never thought I could do something like this, when you're told all of your life, until hubby came along,  that nothing you can ever do can make anyone proud of you, and being told you can't do that, you doubt yourself and don't have confidence. Doing this book has helped me with that, I can do it, and it has flaws but so do I and that is okay.

                                           added the leather to the front and back

                            Leather on the spine and molded the ribs underneath. 

UPDATE: 11/10/2016
I started over on my book and finished it last month. 

 

Making Lemonade Out Of Lemons

Good Morning and Merry Meet,
I have come to the conclusion that I am never getting my book of shadows from magickally made, she claims she sent it but I am seeing no sign of it, ah well what can I do.?  Anyway this got me thinking, why don't I make my own book, So that is what I am doing, watched a great youtube video series entitled Charmed Book of Shadows tutorial by jamiebookofshadows.

I was worried I wasn't going to be able to do this but after three attempts on getting the spine sturdy I did it,

Cardboard mailing tube for the spine, with chipboard medium weight, 9x12 sheet inside and I asked my neighbor to cut 9x12 wooden boards for me which he kindly did. I wouldn't recommend using printer paper I did and it ripped with I tried to glue the boards to it. 

added the ribbons, and three charms, one a crescent moon, a dragon fly and a pentacle, I'll order a butterfly and fairy next time I order supplies in Oct.

used twine to make the mold for the spine ribs, I am waiting on the leather and screw posts, can't believe I am almost done just need to add leather and the inside to hold the screws that holds the paper and the beautiful hand marbled end leaf paper, my butterfly is on it's way.

The end leaves, the picture doesn't do it justice, it looks a lot better in person, I am also going to try to figure out how to do a strap and buckle closure on my book.

So I was given a lemon and decided to make lemonade,
Joy! I found the buckle that she was going to use on my book,
https://www.caboots.com/cart/product/celtic_buckle_set_1andquot/

Aunt Flo and going with the Flow.

So my Aunt Flo showed up, for those of you that don't know this term it's my monthly visitor.  Yeah I know ewww or TMI, but ah well, we should embrace our moon time, monthly time, shark week, Aunt Flo, period, whatever you choose to call it. It is what makes us women, what makes us powerful, yes, yes, I can hear it now, how does it make us powerful when sometimes the cramps are so bad that all we can do is curl up? I am talking about the power of being a woman, of being a survivor, of the power and energy that flows through us, did you know that more power flows through us during this time than any, well except if you're doing workings in the light of the full moon? I used to dread the monthly time, the mess, the headaches the cramping, the tiredness, etc, but since embracing the path has taught me to embrace all aspects of being a woman. So right now I am embracing Aunt Flo and going with the flow. 

http://www.moontimerising.com/2012/07/13-ways/
 http://www.shemiranibrahim.com/menstruation-the-sacred-cycle/
 http://www.openhandweb.org/sacred_feminine_cycle_moontime

I am also happy to report that my items are starting to come in for me to make my own book of shadows, it should all be here mid October. eager to get started. 

Fall

Good Morning and Bright Blessings, I hope you are all doing well this morning, don't you just love fall? I do, living here in California, I don't get to experience fall like I did when I lived in the midwest, I miss the leaves falling off of the trees and crackling under my feet as I walked, I missed the smell in the air, the way the leaves smelled as they got wet from the heavy dew, the smell of the chill in the air, and the scent of a neighbor burning the leaves.  I long for caramel apples, and popcorn balls, warm cider and hot tea, perhaps some hot soup and warm bread.  I am looking forward so Samhain, it seems I come alive more during the fall, oh how I am itchy to be witchy again.  I am also getting excited as my supplies for me to make my own book of shadows will be here soon. I have also started working on one of my books that I am writing , again. 
I haven't been paying attention and completely forgot it was Mabon, So I send belated Mabon, or Autumn Equinox blessings to you and yours.  I must have subconsciously remembered as the first day of I did make baked chicken, butternut squash, jalapeno and cheddar bread that my husband brought home along with a pumpkin pie and cherry pie out of the blue, so we did have that on the 21st. 
How do you celebrate Mabon? What traditions do you and your family have, what part of fall do you love best, please feel free to leave comments. ?

 

Determined

Hello Everyone and Blessed Be, I hope you are all doing well, It's chilly this morning the sun is just starting to peek out and it's very quiet, I like this time of the morning.  I have given up hope that I am going to get the book of shadows that I paid for. I feel like magickally made, Aradia Pettell, has scammed her customers. She claims she has been sick and is far behind and hired two people to help her get caught up, however she has been telling me mine has been shipped, but when I hear that someone has been waiting a year and someone three years for their book, just makes me wonder. I am heartbroken, as the butterfly on the cover represented me starting to emerge from the cocoon of my past and soaring to new things, it also reminded me of my mom who has alzhimers and loved butterflies, the blue of the cover reminded of a twilight day, where as the mist blue paper inside reminded me of a overcast day that was going to be a better day, the charms were all things that had to do with flight and soaring free and change, the ribbon colors, teal, for the ocean, purple for alzhimers, Dark Green for the trees and grass and my husband's favorite color, and dark blue again for the sky and water that looks stormy when things are getting rough, a lot of thought and detail was put into this book, however, this hasn't stopped me from getting my book, I ordered supplies to make my own, and I am in works with another book maker to make one similar to what Aradia said she was going to make for me. So I am determined to get it either way. To those of you who ordered books from her, if you can try to get your money back if it's not to late, or for those of you who did ordered and have been waiting for years or a year, don't give up, make lemonade out of the lemons we have been handed, her being wiccan or a witch, I am sure karma will come around and bite her, as if you remember or follow, ever mind the rule of three, what ye put out there good or bad will come back to thee threefold, and ye harm none do what thou will, So Mote It Be! Blessed Be Everyone. 

Still Waiting

Good morning all, 
Well I am still waiting on my book, I got notice on Sept 12th that she printed out a shipping label, she tells me the mail carrier picked it up, so I waited a full 24 hours and checked the tracking number she gave me, no movement whatsoever. I started contacting her asking what was going on, no answer, finally Friday night the 16th she tells me that the package was sent back due to her putting the wrong shipping label on it and that she would take it to the post office herself on Saturday the 17th, so I was informed on Sat that she took it but since it was late afternoon, that it wouldn't probably be processed until today, so now I am waiting to see if it will be scanned in, I learned that the post office usually doesn't scan them there that they are put on a truck and taken to a sorting facility where they are scanned in and sometimes this isn't until either three or five pm, I am told that my book will be here on Wednesday, but I am thinking more along the lines of Thursday, I am getting so tired of this. I have been talking to other people that have ordered books from this person and they haven't gotten their books either, so if my book doesn't arrive this week, I will be filing a claim with etsy for my money back. On a good note this has made me want to start making books of shadows myself and perhaps opening a shop. I will have to do a lot of practice. 
Last night we had a thunder and lightening storm here in San Diego which as those are very rare. Scared me to death I thought something had exploded, I am thankful that we got the bit of rain that we got, the goddess continues to bless us.
I have been reading something about Mabon, isn't the correct name for the Sabbatt that is should actually be called Autumn Equinox? What do you all think, should we still call it Mabon or use Autumn Equinox, as for me I am still going to call it Mabon as that is how I was taught. 
 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/panmankey/2015/09/mabon-outrage-and-why-we-love-the-autumnal-equinox/
 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/allergicpagan/2013/09/20/mabon-mabon-not/

Need To Rant

So remember how I have been going on and on about my book of shadows that I ordered back in December of 2015? I still haven't gotten it. Now the deal is she was in the hospital for a week or so, and now home but may have to have brain surgery. She did tell me when she got home, she would work on books and that mine was one of eight about to be ready to go to its home. She told me the end of this month (looks at calendar) which is today, would be her goal for getting it done, now mind you it's been two weeks since she came home from the hospital, she was very responsive on the facebook page about her issue, since then have heard nothing, I have sent messages asking how much longer, how is she doing? How much is done.  I know things happen and that it is beyond our control but when you go from "Oh April 5th is the 12 week finish time so you're book should be done by then, to well the item that was sent for it was the wrong one, so had to send back, got another one, wrong one again, sent back, finally in mid May got the correct item, now you're book's goal to be completed is now Mid July, okay, well sorry our book creator is out for surgery will be back on her feet in two week, okay, well now I am in hospital with possible brain surgery, oh but when I get home from the Hospital I'll work on books and the goal is end of August" Yeah it gets frustrating. 
So here it is the end of August, no word, no hint, no answer to my inquiries as to when it will be done.  People are telling me to open a case and try to get my money back, I don't want to do that as the book is special to me and I haven't found one that calls to me like this one, I know her shop isn't a scam as I have seen youtube videos that people posted when they got their books, and I did order a small item from them that I did get. I don't want to do it but I am to the point of where I am going to tell her just mail me what she has done with items that need to be to complete it and I'll finish my book and expect a partial refund. I am beyond frustrated and I don't think I will get my money back as it will be almost a year. If I was in anyway shape or form crafty I would make my own book of shadows. Sorry for this post but I needed to Rant. 

A MishMash Of Things

Good Morning everyone, I hope you are doing well. As for me I am getting there been dealing with my depression and anxiety which has been high the past few weeks. Can't believe another year is almost gone. This post is just going to be about whatever thoughts are running through my head and some things I found on the internet that I like.  

Update about my book of shadows that I have been waiting on for almost a year, the maker of the book just got out of the hospital, she had gone in due to have strep which in turn went up into her brain causing an abscess, she may have to have surgery.  She is at home now and said that my book was one of eight about ready to go to its home. Hopefully the end of this month.  *Keeps Fingers Crossed*  I have also been looking at how to make a second book for myself, been watching youtube videos and looking at the items I need.  Amazon has the items and at great prices as well, so I think when I get a bit of extra money I'll buy the stuff and see if I can't make one. 

Just some things I found on the net that I liked, and will be printing off to put into my book of shadows once it arrives. Today is a busy day taking the dog to the groomers, running some errands with my husband, perhaps grabbing some lunch, I am just praying to the Goddess that my anxiety stays down so that I can go. Blessed Be Everyone hope you enjoyed this mishmash of things.

A Little Bit Each Day

Today I have decided to start my work out.  I was only able to do seven minutes of the workout but you know what I am proud of what I could do.  I didn't get upset about what I didn't do, I was happy with what I did do, as I have stated in my earlier posts I haven't exercised much if any. My goal for this week is to do three days. I am tired of my back hurting and my knees hurting and not being able to clean the house like I want due to the pain. I am going to also try to eat every two hours. I have neglected myself for so long that I forgot how to get started. So today was my do over and getting started, it doesn't matter what you start with, it doesn't matter how long you can do exercises, it doesn't matter, what matters is you took that step that small step to get started, it may be walking from the living to the kitchen five to six times a day, not to get food but to walk it might be sitting in your chair with five pound weights in each hand and doing some form of movement, it might be going outside and walking from one end of the driveway to the other, it might be not drinking but one soda a day instead of three or four and drinking more water, it might be eating the hamburger without the fries, or eating an apple instead of chips, as long as you make some change. Don't get upset if you can't complete the full workout, instead pat yourself on the back that you were able to do five, seven, ten, fifteen, minutes. A little bit each day is what counts. 






 

Feeling Lost

Good morning or afternoon, 
I haven't posted in awhile, due to my depression running amuck. I have also been having panic attacks and lately just been wanting to stay home in my own little space.  It sucks a lot especially when I want to get out and go places and do things.  I still haven't gotten my book of shadows, she told me her goal was to get it done and get it sent this month, it's actually two months overdue now.  I keep telling myself that if it doesn't happen this month then I'll put in a case to my payment provider and with etsy to see about getting my book, I don't want a refund just my book, she told me it was halfway done, but she has had the butterfly since May and had all of June and July to work on it, not only that but their shop is down has been for a month now and they are telling people that etsy is having an  issue with their shop and they are working to get it back up, it has never taken etsy that long to get a shop up.  
I also have slacked off on eating correctly and working out, I really am trying hard to get motivated to get into the mind frame of shedding this weight, I may start another blog about my journey of weight loss, keeping track of the foods I consume and what and when I workout. I am feeling lost and don't know where to start, I had it going in Springfield, working out, eating correctly I was loosing weight, I get here and that all stops, I gained 70 pounds in the three years that I have been here, from 289 to 360.  I keep trying to plan out what to do, to get started, I think I'll set a goal to work out ten mins a day to start then build up to longer, after having not worked out for years, I think that will be a good start. I keep putting things off and I really need to get out of this slump. So yep I think I'll start a food blog and weight loss blog, I am tired of feeling lost. 

Enough Is Enough

Lately In the news I have been seeing many reports of police officers getting shot and killed, police officer involved shootings and such going on.  What are we doing people? Why are we doing this to each other.?  We should be standing by each other, not hating each other, people ask when will it stop, it won't stop until the racism and hate is gone, until we start caring for our fellowman, regardless if they are White, Black, Asian, Native American, Hispanic, whatever race.  A lot of people are saying we need to turn back to God, well..my thoughts on this are, those that are doing the most killing are those that follow the Christian God, a lot of killings are done in his name, those that are doing the killings were most likely raised in a home with parents that took their children to church, I am not saying all Christians are like this, but if we need to get back to God to make the Country right again, then shouldn't those that are saying this try harder to care for their fellow man?  I follow the wiccan creed, Ever mind the rule of three, good or bad what you put out there comes back to you threefold, an ye harm none do what thou will, So yeah I don't want bad things to happen in my life, so I try not to put out bad things in the universe, I try to help and to do good, I do not hate anyone.  I also feel it's time we stop handing out aid to the refugees that are coming over here and taking care of our homeless veterans and men and women and children and poor and elderly, at one time this, from what I understand, was the greatest nation in the world. What happened?  We are so caught up in ourselves, i.e. faces to the cell phone all the time, computer time, families sitting at the table eating out all of them with some electronic device in their hands not interacting.  Parents being their childrens' friends and not parents, no discipline at all.  I grew up in the era, if I acted up, talked back, got in trouble at school, was disrespectful, I got my butt whipped and was made to mind, and I guess by getting my butt whipped, I learned respect, I learned to be kind, I learned to be strong, I learned to respect authority and not act up.  I don't do drugs, I haven't committed murder, never been to jail, never stole. I know you are probably reading this saying yeah but spanking causes a child not to trust you, to have mental problems, etc, sorry no it doesn't ask any child of the 20s-80s and they will tell you a lot differently, it's when you abuse a child, I am talking about horrible abuse that will cause these issues., parents it's time to stop being your child's friend and start being a parent, adults it's time to start caring for our fellowman, start making this nation great again, not by hating, or killing...Enough is Enough. 
   

Update.

Hello, 
It has been two months now since I last spoke to my dad.  I keep wanting to confront him about what he did, but I made a promise to my aunt that I wouldn't as he may not let her see mom again.  I have started working out as of today, Did a 20 min with Daily Burn, and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow.  My hubby and I went to Viejas Casino and Hotel, over the weekend, due to the fact it was our anniversary and he surprised me with a romantic couples package.  

I got word about my book of shadows, the butterfly arrived and it's the brightly colored one.  So she is working on my book and I will be getting it sometime next month.  I have mostly been keeping to myself, working on making an afghan, do not buy the Loops & Thread yarn from Michael's, it snags horribly and it tangles up very easily.  Also if you are wanting Lion's Brand Wool Ease yarn, order it off of Amazon, I am going to next month, Michael's has it for 8.29 each and Amazon has some of the colors for 4 and some change. 
I know I am just rambling on, my mind is going faster than what my fingers can type.  I just ordered a bunch more incense from thedipper.com really love the sea breeze, Egyptian musk, Rain and Black Ice. 
As for me I have had panic attacks anxiety and such, but I am dealing with it. 

My thoughts and prayers also go out to those killed at Pulse, during the shooting in Orlando Florida, where some man went in and shot and killed 50 people because they were gay.  I do not know what is going on in this world but it really needs to stop. 

Letting Go/Saying Goodbye.

I haven't blogged in about a month.  I have been having a hard time.  I haven't spoken with my parents in about a month.  As some of you know or may not know, my mom has alzhimers and my dad and I don't get along. I have issues of my own that I am working through. April the 18th of this year I got into a horrible fight with my father, and since then we have not spoken, I know some of you are saying you should make up and make amends, Well I would have but I found out he has been lying to me about something and it's hurt me deeply that he would do this to me and my husband. As far as my mom goes,I said my goodbye to her before I left Missouri for good and she knew, before her memories left her, that I would not be coming back there.  So after all has been said and done, I do not feel guilty anymore about not going home and I am not worried anymore about them, nor will I ever. So I finally learned how to let it go and say goodbye. 

On another note, I am still waiting on my book of shadows, There was yet another delay with the butterfly, I sent a message three weeks ago to the creator and haven't heard back, A) The butterfly has arrived and she is working like mad on my book and won't reply until it's done or B) The butterfly hasn't arrived and she has nothing to report, but normally she is good about giving me a heads up, so am not sure what is going on. I may be ordering another one from them as I was watching a youtube video about someone who has more than one and says it's worth it as there is so much information to put into a book with all the herbs, potions, oils, spells, plants, flowers, etc. you run out of room. So yeah I am going to save up and get another one from them as well. 

I can attest to that as my pseudo book of shadows already has so much information in it and I am finding more and more new stuff everyday. 
So I hope you are all doing well . Blessed Be.  

Taking Back My Life.

Dear Me,
Today I have decided to take back my life, to start living for me, to start being happy for me, to start doing what I know is best for me, to start taking care of myself.  I will try to not get discouraged as I try to shed this weight that I am carrying around, I will try not to let the shallow people get me down that will whisper and sneer, and talk about how fat I am, I won't listen to them as they make comments, they do not know any better and the only way they can make themselves look good and feel good is to put others down, I won't wish that I looked like some super model, for that look is not healthy and will only make me doubt myself more and hate myself for trying to look like that and failing, I won't get mad at myself if I want to eat a cheeseburger and fries, I will, just make sure that I work out more, I promise to not skip meals, and to drink more water, and to not get down on myself, I won't get upset if I skip a day of working out, but I will promise to move more. I will not feel guilt or shame or fear for being the way I am, I won't get upset at the pace I am going now, because baby steps are better than no steps. One day one pound, one moment at a time.  I will try not to hide anymore and I will try to let myself shine more, because baby I am worth it, I am alive, I am free, I am me. So today, I make a vow to take back my life. 

Websites That I Love To Shop At.

Here is a list of websites that I love to shop at. 

http://www.themagickalcat.com/default.asp great place to buy all  your wicca/witch stuff.

Of Course Etsy.com
 https://www.mountainroseherbs.com/ for all your herbal needs. 
 http://www.thedipper.com/ for all of your incense needs.
http://www.vitacost.com/     for all of your oil needs. 



Amazon.com is another great place to get books and items. 

Incense, Herbs, Oils Oh My.

Today I want to talk about Incense, Herbs and Oils.  I have been watching emberhoney raven on youtube as well as Lady Gravedancer  https://www.youtube.com/user/EmberHoneyraven/videos
These ladies are wonderful and full of knowledge and great tips on where to get incense, herbs and oils, as well as other things. I found two great recipes I want to try, I'll add them here later on.  Once website is called thedipper.com.  They have all kinds of incense, I ordered some from them on the 12th of this month and they will arrive on Sat. So I will get back to you on what they smell like and such. Another website I want to try is mountainroseherbs.com I looked at their website and they have a lot of herbs as well as teas and oils and other things. I'll order from them next month. I told my husband I wish I were rich as there are so many witchy things I want to buy.  
I am the one who always gets sick, every year with a cold, so I was browsing youtube and watching Ember HoneyRaven and she mentioned LadyGraveDancer, so I checked her out and lo and behold I found something for natural cold and flu lozenges, which I am going to try to make next month, I'll go ahead and put the recipe in here as well as a link to the video.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4MFbQOwV7Y
What you'll need is:
1- 1 1/2 cups of whatever herbal tea you wish, I would recommend Echinacea root, lavender, peppermint blend.
2 cups of sugar
honey.
in a pot pour in cups of already brewed tea with the sugar, boil on stove for 20 mins stir constantly, do not stop stirring add honey during the boil phase, when it starts to get very thick remove from heat and quickly fill small ice cube tray (I recommend the small pop out trays you can get them on amazon for 8.00 bucks for three of them) fill half way with mix let sit until hard, if you don't have ice cube trays you can use parchment paper and put small teaspoon size, when harden you can roll them in powered sugar. Store in air tight container and take one a day or when you feel a cold coming on. 

The next one I want to try is also from TheLadyGraveDancer on youtube this is oil for pain. So if you have arthritis, joint pain, sore muscles rub this on the area and it is supposed to work, I haven't tried it yet, I will when I get the herbs next month. 
According to Lady Grave dancer you will need:
1 quart mason jar, cleaned, blessed, with a lid, and a sharpie to mark on the lid. 
1 Palm full of white willow bark
1 1/2 palm full of st. john's wort
2 1/4 cups of chamomile
2 cinnamon sticks
1 quartz crystal chip
grape seed oil or olive oil. 
 put all of the herbs in the jar fill half full with oil, saying a blessing each time you put in a herb, seal lid tightly shake very well, write the date on top of the lid of the day you made it, let sit for 4 weeks, shaking every day twice a day. After four weeks strain the liquid from the herbs put in a clean jar, store in dark area. Apply externally to sore muscles, joints. 
*PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE TAKING ANY HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS*
*I AM NOT A DOCTOR NOR A PHYSICIAN, NOR CLAIM TO BE ONE. USE THESE RECIPES AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SIDE EFFECTS THAT MAY HAPPEN OR INJURY.*

I am also going to check vitacost for oils, I just looked at their site and it is a vitamin company but they also sell oils, You will have to do a search in the search bar for what you want but they look reasonable in price.  I hope you enjoyed this post and these tips and I may today to a post about all the websites that I have found that I love and have great products.   

Going To Hell?

I just came out of the broom closet about eight months ago. I have been told by some people that I was going to hell and that I was crazy to believe there is another God/Goddess besides the Christian God.  That I should be celebrating Christian Holidays, as I was raised Southern Baptist and how could I turn my back on the way I was raised, that it's just a phase I am going through as this is a new age religion,  So let's address this, for one I do not believe anymore that I am going to go to hell, I do not believe in the concept of hell or Satan.  Other Gods/Goddesses, Long before Jesus was born, people were worshiping other Gods/Goddesses, it was God himself that said thou shalt have no other Gods before me, so for me he is saying yep there are other Gods but you must worship only me. As for the Christian Holidays, well those are pagan holidays, Christmas=Yule, Easter= Ostara, Halloween=Samhain, Mabon=Thanksgiving, etc. New Age religion?  Nope not new, witchcraft and the craft has been around long before Christianity, it has always been around, we just had to hide or face another burning times and Salem. Wicca, has been around since the fifties, I believe, so yes it is fairly new, however, I consider myself wiccan/witch, I try to follow both,.  I never turned my back, I always felt like something was missing when I would sit in church, I also did not like how there was a lot of back stabbing, gossiping, and "You're going to hell if you do this and this "., etc. When I got the calling from my Goddess and I made that decision to answer and to obey, I felt at such peace, I felt like I came home. Another reason, Wiccans have more respect for each other than any I have ever seen, we go out of our way to help those that we can, Also, this is the only religion that I have seen that does not commit murder in the name of their God. 

Feeling Blessed

I feel so blessed today.  I am meeting a lot of new people on face book, who are very accepting of my beliefs as they hold the same ones or almost the same ones.  I have a wonderful husband, three wonderful fur babies, a place to live and food on my table.  The other day I was gripping about having to do the dishes, I just wanted to read and or play world of warcraft , and I was like hey, No I am grateful I have dishes to do with most don't, I am grateful for the floors that I have to sweep and I am grateful for the bathroom I have to clean.  

As I sit and listen to the birds outside and the sun shining I am grateful to be alive and accepted by my Goddesses and God, Danu, Morrigan, Cernunnos. I haven't felt this much peace in a long time since I started my journey. You see,not long ago I tried to kill myself, I had reached that point to where I couldn't fight anymore, I didn't have the strength.  I sat in my bathroom with three bottles of Trazodone, Zoloft and Tylenol PM and had them opened and dumped in my hand and up to my mouth. That's when I heard a voice say, I am your mother, it is not your time yet, I claim you and will teach you to walk the path.  Thank you my Divine Mother for my life. 

I Had Damn Well Better Listen.

So for the past few days if not weeks, I have been meditating every morning.  Asking God and Goddess to hear my call. Today Morrigan came through and claimed me.  She spoke to me.  I felt released all the burdens I have been carrying all the emotional scars that I had been holding on to seemed to have washed away.  My husband can attest to the fact that I had tears slipping down my face, I went into a meditative state, eyes closed head bowed.  I could see her and I could hear her.  Energy flowed through me, so much that my husband said he could feel it.  I cannot say what she said to me but I had better damn well listen and obey. She is a demanding Goddess, full of love and protection, but she can also be harsh if not followed or if we don't listen.

Baby Steps

Good morning!, It is a lovely spring day outside.  I am now on day 22 of my year and a day and have been working on getting things jotted down that I want to put into my book of shadows when it arrives.  Today I want to talk about being an overweight person.  I am currently 350 lbs, I can hear some of you saying put the fork down, actually in my case it's not the fork that made me this way, I do not hardly eat, I skip breakfast, sometimes even lunch and have dinner, most days I eat three meals a day, and not huge portions either, my problem is not eating enough, and not exercising.  I also used to drink a lot of sugary sodas, and southern sweet tea, now I drink coke zero, which as I have cut way down and I used two packs of sweet in low in my tea, working on cutting that down to one and hopefully soon none.  Oh and I don't eat a lot of vegetables or fruit. 

It is hard for someone my size to do things, and I feel like I am 60 instead of 43.  I am also tired of people staring and not finding clothing that fits right.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and my vitals were taken my blood pressure was up from last time.  

As a wiccan if we don't honor our selves, our bodies, we don't honor the god and goddess, so today I got up and went outside, walked from our gate to the wall that is in the back of our apartment building I did this three times and it felt great, I know it wasn't a lot but hey when you haven't worked out or did a lot of moving it felt like I won a marathon.  Before I moved here to San Diego, I was working out for an hour using the wii, I was riding my stationary bike for 30mins, I was using weights to work out my arms and walking for 20 to 30 mins a day plus eating more fruit and such.  I really need to get back into that, I keep telling myself that when my husband and I get a bigger house, right now we live in a small apartment that should be considered just for one person., anyho, I can't keep using that excuse for not doing it.  So as I said today I started doing something, it's not much, but to even start anything you must first take baby steps.  

  

Itchy To Be Witchy

Today the sun is shining and the weather is about 70-75 outside, spring is almost upon us as well as Ostara, I plan on decorating my altar this year as this will be the first year of my study and journey of the Craft, while I am waiting on my BOS (book of shadows) I started a mock one, putting all my information into it arranging it how I want it and what information I want in it, I won't decorate any of the pages as I will be saving that part for my real BOS.  I worked on my dedication last night and it was an emotional one for me.  I am also wishing that I had a flower garden to work in or lived in an area that got more rain than what we do here in San Diego.  I am wanting to feel the Earth in my fingers and planting things.  I am definitely a green witch.  I would also like to find two or three other women that are into the craft and get to know them and hang out with them, creating a great friendship.  My fingers are itching to start writing spells and jotting down information and to get into the Earth feeling it under my fingers.  My mouth is ready to chant and body is ready to soak up the sun and moonlight.  Yes Can't you tell I am Itchy to be Witchy.  I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Blessed Be. 

That Little Trip Called Guilt.

I spoke to my dad today and he keeps laying the guilt trip on me about when I am going to come home to see them.  For one , when I moved here to California, I had no intention of ever going home or even speaking to him again.  He and I have a very rocky relationship and did not get along at all.  It was always tense around him and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells.  So anyway today he asked me again, I said well if I could afford it I would come home the ticket is close to seven hundred dollars and up to 1000.  He says to me I guess we'll never see you again, I said I guess not.  He gets huffy with me and tells me he has to go.  People think I am cruel for not going home, my mom has alzhimers and I spoke to her before I moved, before she got worse and she did tell me that she wants me to be happy and not to come home no matter how bad she got, she didn't want me to see her that way. You see, I would have had the money, I got a lot on my back pay for my disability, but I spent that by paying their rent and buying food for them and paying their electric bill.  Even paying taxes on a trailer they were going to buy from someone in Indiana, who ended up taking their money. Also if I don't call for a week , he will call me and goes why can't you call, well because the phone works both ways, he only calls when he needs something or wants something, never just to ask if I am okay.    I have to deal with my own problems here.  My therapist and I are concerned I may have a set back if I go home.  I am doing so much better here.  I cannot deal with this today or any day.  I am not going to take that little trip called guilt  not today and not any day. 

 

I also got word about my Book of Shadows that I mentioned in another post, the creator of my book got sent the wrong butterfly, so now they have to wait for the right one to get sent, which could take a awhile as the seller of said butterfly has to wait until some mature, so now my book is being delayed and since they have to catch up on the books before mine, mine isn't going to get done until the end of May now, when I was told that mine would be done in 12 weeks, and all my stuff for my book was in and she was working on the binding in February.  So I am a little bummed about that, but am glad they didn't settle for the one sent to them.  

Birthdays and Blues.

I turned 43 years old on the second of March.  I really don't feel any different.  I can remember how excited I used to get at it being my day.  I guess as we get older, or at least I think, that we tend to loose that.  I realize there are a lot of things we tend to loose as we get older, the wonder of the day, the joy of seeing a rain puddle and splashing in it.  Christmas morning, to me, now being a wiccan, I celebrate Yule, but before my journey into the Craft, I did celebrate Christmas and used to get so excited about it.  Even Halloween or Samhain used to be a great excitement in my life.  

Why do adults loose that, is it because we are told that when we reach a certain age that we are adults now and must act like adults, and don't go splashing in the rain puddles because the neighbors might look at you strangely?   Right now it's raining outside and chilly.  I can remember on warm summer days when the rain would fall, I would be right outside playing in it splashing in every puddle I could find.  Loving the joy and wonder that the world has/had to offer.  A lot of us get so caught up in our busy lives that we forgot how to live it.  We loose ourselves and we loose our friends.  I caught myself remembering how , when I was younger, I lived in a small town, I can remember neighbors sitting on their porches, and chatting with each other, I can remember seeing ladies standing at the fence that connected their backyards and just chatting, people waving at you as you walked down the street, the excitement and anticipation of waiting for my best friends letter to arrive in the mailbox and hurrying up to send a reply, now it's done by email, to me that just feels so impersonal and cold.  

I remember going out on summer nights and chasing lightening bugs and drinking out of the garden hose, and gazing up at the stars while laying on my back on the ground.  A lot of kids now days do not know what that is like.  

I did feel a little blue on my birthday, as I remembered all the ones before when I was a kid.  Maybe I should go out this summer and chase lightening bugs and gaze at the stars once more..  

Goonies Never Say Die.

Had therapy on Wednesday it was very emotional for me.  Having to talk about my sexual abuse and abuse.  I am not ready to go into detail yet as I haven't really started talking about it during therapy, I have a new therapist and have only seen her four time so far.  

Right now I can hear birds chirping outside and the sun is out.  Makes me long for a flowerbed or garden to work in.  I hope that one day we can own our own home.  

There is one friend that I miss most of all, I have known her since the sixth grade, we were so very close, always hanging out together, always calling each other on the phone, always writing letters, we were together almost every day.  She lived with me for a bit during high school, we swore we would always be friends. We thought of ourselves like the Goonies, our favorite movie, if you haven't seen it I recommend watching it.    Something happened, she stopped talking to me in 2004, I am not sure what it is.  I have tried to contact her by sending her letters but she never would contact me back. I haven't spoken to her for 12 years now.  I have some days where I get upset about this and just feel very hurt and sad.  Other days I am okay with it.  I really wish that she would contact me so we can talk and maybe work it out, I am not sure what she thinks I did, I am not even sure what I did.  All I know is that I miss my best friend, who would have been friends for 31 years this year if we still talked.  

So I guess what I am trying to say is, if you have a best friend and you have a fight or you think your friend did something, before cutting them off totally talk to them and ask them if they did or said what you think or were told they said and did, don't let a friendship end without letting the other person know why.  I guess until I find out, I won't have closure. 
 
Brat..if you ever read this know that I am thinking of you, missing you, and still love you my bestie. I am here and willing to talk....You have my number or did at one time.  Goonies Never Say Die. 

Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Depression, OH MY!

I haven't posted in a bit due to having panic attacks and anxiety, and depression, Which kept me in bed for a day or so.  I am doing alright today.  It is gloomy outside and the birds are singing. It rained some, which as I love when it does it here in California.  My wonderful husband bought me a besom for valentines day. For my birthday that is coming up he bought me a scrying mirror from the same people that are making my book of shadows.  I just got word that the maker of my book has been working on it and they informed me that they felt a lot of energy in the book and saw an aura, they wanted to know if I was sending it, Yes I have been as every time I look at it I think of my mother, the butterfly on the cover reminds me of her, she loves butterflies.  I cannot wait until March 1st to start my year and a day journey.  I chose the day before my birthday so that when the year and a day ends it will be on March 2nd, my birthday.

So back to what this post is really about.  I wish I knew really what was causing my panic attacks and anxiety.  I hate the feeling of the tightening up of my body and chest and the shakes and building panic, the fear bubbling up.  I hate feeling weak.  I have been going to therapy for three years now and I am doing somewhat better, I can sleep without the lights on and I am not afraid to go into a closet.  I am still having trouble taking a shower without panic setting in, but I am getting there. So if this is happening to you, you are not alone there are others, like me, who have to deal with this damn thing on a weekly basis, keep your head up, fight the fight and stay strong.   So when I think of my panic attacks and depression and anxiety I hear Lions and Tigers and Bears OH My!, but in this case it would be Anxiety, Panic attacks , Depression OH My!.
  

I am Wiccan, Not a satanist

 

 Today I want to talk about misconceptions that people have about those of us that practice the Craft, ie Wicca, Paganism, etc. 

We are not Satanist, we don't believe in the concept of the Christian devil, he does not exist to us, that would be asking an Atheist if he worships God. 

We do not sacrifice children or animals, to us all life is sacred. The only offerings we make to our God and Goddess is fruit, flowers and bread and wine. 

We don't fly on brooms, however, we do use besoms, (brooms) for cleansing a space and in ritual work. 

We don't cast black magic, as it does not exist for us, we don't hex or curse as we believe what we put out good or bad comes back threefold to us. 

We don't have orgies, however we do not shun sex as well, we just don't see or think of nudity or sex as being evil or a sin.

The Pentacle and Pentagram is not the same as the Baphomet, used by those that worship Satan. 

 

 We don't drink the blood of animals or children. Most of us drink wine or fruit juice.

No we aren't going to hell as for us hell doesn't exist. 

We celebrate holidays as well, expect for we don't celebrate the Christan aspect of holidays. 

 Christians' took those holidays from us and changed them to suit their own beliefs and practices.  Every aspect of Christianity has links to the Wiccan/Pagan practices and beliefs.

Most of the time you cannot tell who is and who isn't wiccan/pagan. We are normal people just like you. We are doctors, teachers, lawyers, soldiers, housewives, mothers, students, your next door neighbor, a close friend.  We don't go around shoving religious tracts in your face or proclaim that if you don't believe in the Goddess you're going to hell.  We tend to hide the fact that we are wiccan/pagan as there is still a lot of stigma and fear about our beliefs.  So if you ever hear someone say the come out of the broom closet, that is because they finally revealed to family and friends that they are what they are.  It's very much like someone who is gay coming out to family and friends.

 

What I wanted to say, I hope I made my point.  Is that I am wiccan, not a Satanist.

Grandpa/Ancestor Altar

I have been thinking a lot about my grandpa lately.  Remembering how he would just laugh and smile all of the time.  Remembering his love of fishing, milky way bars, and kitty cats, how much he loved grandma and their children, how he loved his grand kids.  I have such good memories of spending time with him, fishing and just talking.  He has been gone since 2006, cancer sucks.  So I know that on Samhain you are supposed to honor the ancestors and family members that have passed on, but for me once a year is not enough.  I think what I am going to do is make a small memorial altar for this wonderful man, that is pictured above and keep it up all year.  I will print out a couple of the pictures I have of him, get a milky way bar, a kids toy fishing kit to put on the altar, a small stuffed cat or a plastic cat, and a red toy matchbox truck to symbolize the red truck that he had and loved,  add some candles and a red cloth, he loved the color red.  I don't think we should honor our ancestors just once a year, but I think there should be a permanent altar for them.  I am going to also make a space outside, when my husband and I finally buy our home, with some flowers, and memorial stone, a bird bath fountain, windchimes and a bench to sit on.  
 The sun is bright today and the birds are singing, there is a slight chill in the air.  I am feeling a need to get outside in Nature and ground myself.  I am liking Molly's, aka herspeak, idea of renting a cabin for the weekend at a place that has a lake and woods and just unplugging, unwinding and doing more relaxing and getting in tune with Nature, I will hopefully talk my husband into doing that when the weather gets a tad warmer.  When I get the memorial altar set up for my grandpa, I'll post pictures. 

I'm Fine....Not Fine.

Woke up this morning to a slightly chilly day, but now as I sit to write this the sun is out and I can hear birds chirping.  My husband asks me how I am doing?  I start to tell him I am fine, but I stop myself as we agreed that no matter what I am feeling, great, eh, gray day, black day, time to hide the pills and sharp objects day, I can tell him.  I am so thankful that I can be open with him, for so long around other people and even some friends I had to pretend that I was fine and everything was great and I had to smile and be upbeat.  I really just wanted to let them know hey I am not okay, I am feeling worthless, I am feeling like there is a dark shadow hanging over me, I feel like everything is wrong, but I couldn't do that, for fear of them drawing away, pulling back.  I made the mistake of telling a certain couple of friends about what I was really feeling and what was really going on  with me, they proceeded to tell me, oh it's all in your head, or maybe you were just having a down day, or maybe you should get out more, or sleep for awhile, or can't you just get over it.?  Gee, I really wish I could, or I really wish that was what was really going on...but um no...I can't.  They started to pull away.  Then I met my husband, we met in an online chat room.  We just clicked, we talked , we talked every day and then I got brave and gave him my number and then we started chatting via phone.  I felt safe and comfortable, because I didn't have to physically see him.  For five to six years I put off meeting him because I was afraid of what may happen.  I told him about my episodes what was going on with me, what had happen to me, I waited for the bomb to drop and the calls to stop, but you know what they didn't he kept talking to me, he kept helping me, all hours of the day I could call him when I was feeling like I was sinking.  So finally I got the nerve up, took the Grey Hound bus, I was afraid to fly, so I spent three days on a bus.  I fell in love with him and with California,  I cried when I had to leave, I came back the following year and he proposed to me on the beach as we were sitting on a bench.  He told me no matter what you are feeling or how you are feeling, I want you to tell me, I know sometimes when you say you're fine you're not fine.   It has taken some time but now I can be totally honest. I am thankful that almost 12 years ago, I didn't let my fear get me and I gave him my number.    I guess what I was trying to say with this post was, readers, if you know someone that has depression, panic attacks, anxiety, we don't really want you to go above and beyond, at times it may be exhausting dealing with someone like us, it's also exhausting for us as well, we just want you to say it's okay, I got your back, I understand.  We don't want you to back away from us, it's not contagious I promise..

The Road To Recovery and I am A Goddam Unicorn.

It's another quiet overcast gloomy day today.  As I said before, I love days like this.  So another thing I wanted to mention, that I didn't get to in my last long ass post, was that, I am overweight, let's just say I am over 300 pounds.  So you're probably reading this and saying well put the fork down, my problem isn't that I overeat, my problem is that I don't eat enough, I skip breakfast, I may only eat one meal a day or I may eat just two meals, I don't get enough vegetables and fruit.  I tend to eat bread and processed foods when I eat and I use artificial sweetener, which I have come to learn is very bad for you, it's worse than sugar, as our bodies do not know how to process it, even the coke zero that I have been drinking, I mean no calories right, so how can it be bad, well it's all the chemicals and such.  So yesterday I decided to not skip breakfast, eat more fruit and vegetables, eat more chicken and fish, and substitute pasta for spaghetti squash.  I did this about five years ago and I was loosing weight, I was working out for an hour or so a day, I even lost fifty pounds.  Then I moved here to California and it was so easy to just go get fast food or go out to eat with my husband.  The weight started coming back.  I am drinking tea now instead of reaching for the coke zero, I haven't touched the ice cream in the fridge that my husband bought two weeks ago, Instead of getting the cheeseburger I got the cod sandwich combo small.  So little changes no matter how small can make a difference in the long run.  When I started on my getting rid of weight five years ago, I didn't start out exercising, I ate, I ate breakfast, I ate more veggies, I cut portions in half.  I would get a half of a subway veggie sub or chicken sub, lots of veggies, one triangle of cheese and very light lite mayo and a small tea.  I was loosing ten pounds a month.  Then about five months into it, I decided to get a wii fit and the balance board I started working, at the time I could only do a few of the workouts but I loved it, then I bought an exercise bike and started riding that during a show that I liked to watch.  Then I started walking just around the cul de sac about four times, then I started doing all that in one day.  So now my goal is to get back to doing that.  Why did I stop when I got to California, You ask ?

Well because I had a break down, I started having panic attacks and staying in bed, not wanting to go out, thoughts of suicide kept popping up in my head.  I went to a therapist and she told me I had Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia.  I had some trauma in my childhood, I was molested for years by a next door neighbor, and then I was sexually assaulted when I was a young woman, so having to deal with this and have it all come out it set me back.  I have been going to therapy for five years now and it is helping I am also on meds, I am getting stronger each day and I am ready to get rid of the emotional, mental and physical weight. Because I am a goddamn unicorn.  Watch the video in the link and you'll know what I am talking about.   So here is the video I talked about in my last post, EFT with Molly aka herspeak on youtube, I did it today again and I feel great.