Goonies Never Say Die.

Had therapy on Wednesday it was very emotional for me.  Having to talk about my sexual abuse and abuse.  I am not ready to go into detail yet as I haven't really started talking about it during therapy, I have a new therapist and have only seen her four time so far.  

Right now I can hear birds chirping outside and the sun is out.  Makes me long for a flowerbed or garden to work in.  I hope that one day we can own our own home.  

There is one friend that I miss most of all, I have known her since the sixth grade, we were so very close, always hanging out together, always calling each other on the phone, always writing letters, we were together almost every day.  She lived with me for a bit during high school, we swore we would always be friends. We thought of ourselves like the Goonies, our favorite movie, if you haven't seen it I recommend watching it.    Something happened, she stopped talking to me in 2004, I am not sure what it is.  I have tried to contact her by sending her letters but she never would contact me back. I haven't spoken to her for 12 years now.  I have some days where I get upset about this and just feel very hurt and sad.  Other days I am okay with it.  I really wish that she would contact me so we can talk and maybe work it out, I am not sure what she thinks I did, I am not even sure what I did.  All I know is that I miss my best friend, who would have been friends for 31 years this year if we still talked.  

So I guess what I am trying to say is, if you have a best friend and you have a fight or you think your friend did something, before cutting them off totally talk to them and ask them if they did or said what you think or were told they said and did, don't let a friendship end without letting the other person know why.  I guess until I find out, I won't have closure. 
 
Brat..if you ever read this know that I am thinking of you, missing you, and still love you my bestie. I am here and willing to talk....You have my number or did at one time.  Goonies Never Say Die. 

Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Depression, OH MY!

I haven't posted in a bit due to having panic attacks and anxiety, and depression, Which kept me in bed for a day or so.  I am doing alright today.  It is gloomy outside and the birds are singing. It rained some, which as I love when it does it here in California.  My wonderful husband bought me a besom for valentines day. For my birthday that is coming up he bought me a scrying mirror from the same people that are making my book of shadows.  I just got word that the maker of my book has been working on it and they informed me that they felt a lot of energy in the book and saw an aura, they wanted to know if I was sending it, Yes I have been as every time I look at it I think of my mother, the butterfly on the cover reminds me of her, she loves butterflies.  I cannot wait until March 1st to start my year and a day journey.  I chose the day before my birthday so that when the year and a day ends it will be on March 2nd, my birthday.

So back to what this post is really about.  I wish I knew really what was causing my panic attacks and anxiety.  I hate the feeling of the tightening up of my body and chest and the shakes and building panic, the fear bubbling up.  I hate feeling weak.  I have been going to therapy for three years now and I am doing somewhat better, I can sleep without the lights on and I am not afraid to go into a closet.  I am still having trouble taking a shower without panic setting in, but I am getting there. So if this is happening to you, you are not alone there are others, like me, who have to deal with this damn thing on a weekly basis, keep your head up, fight the fight and stay strong.   So when I think of my panic attacks and depression and anxiety I hear Lions and Tigers and Bears OH My!, but in this case it would be Anxiety, Panic attacks , Depression OH My!.
  

I am Wiccan, Not a satanist

 

 Today I want to talk about misconceptions that people have about those of us that practice the Craft, ie Wicca, Paganism, etc. 

We are not Satanist, we don't believe in the concept of the Christian devil, he does not exist to us, that would be asking an Atheist if he worships God. 

We do not sacrifice children or animals, to us all life is sacred. The only offerings we make to our God and Goddess is fruit, flowers and bread and wine. 

We don't fly on brooms, however, we do use besoms, (brooms) for cleansing a space and in ritual work. 

We don't cast black magic, as it does not exist for us, we don't hex or curse as we believe what we put out good or bad comes back threefold to us. 

We don't have orgies, however we do not shun sex as well, we just don't see or think of nudity or sex as being evil or a sin.

The Pentacle and Pentagram is not the same as the Baphomet, used by those that worship Satan. 

 

 We don't drink the blood of animals or children. Most of us drink wine or fruit juice.

No we aren't going to hell as for us hell doesn't exist. 

We celebrate holidays as well, expect for we don't celebrate the Christan aspect of holidays. 

 Christians' took those holidays from us and changed them to suit their own beliefs and practices.  Every aspect of Christianity has links to the Wiccan/Pagan practices and beliefs.

Most of the time you cannot tell who is and who isn't wiccan/pagan. We are normal people just like you. We are doctors, teachers, lawyers, soldiers, housewives, mothers, students, your next door neighbor, a close friend.  We don't go around shoving religious tracts in your face or proclaim that if you don't believe in the Goddess you're going to hell.  We tend to hide the fact that we are wiccan/pagan as there is still a lot of stigma and fear about our beliefs.  So if you ever hear someone say the come out of the broom closet, that is because they finally revealed to family and friends that they are what they are.  It's very much like someone who is gay coming out to family and friends.

 

What I wanted to say, I hope I made my point.  Is that I am wiccan, not a Satanist.

Grandpa/Ancestor Altar

I have been thinking a lot about my grandpa lately.  Remembering how he would just laugh and smile all of the time.  Remembering his love of fishing, milky way bars, and kitty cats, how much he loved grandma and their children, how he loved his grand kids.  I have such good memories of spending time with him, fishing and just talking.  He has been gone since 2006, cancer sucks.  So I know that on Samhain you are supposed to honor the ancestors and family members that have passed on, but for me once a year is not enough.  I think what I am going to do is make a small memorial altar for this wonderful man, that is pictured above and keep it up all year.  I will print out a couple of the pictures I have of him, get a milky way bar, a kids toy fishing kit to put on the altar, a small stuffed cat or a plastic cat, and a red toy matchbox truck to symbolize the red truck that he had and loved,  add some candles and a red cloth, he loved the color red.  I don't think we should honor our ancestors just once a year, but I think there should be a permanent altar for them.  I am going to also make a space outside, when my husband and I finally buy our home, with some flowers, and memorial stone, a bird bath fountain, windchimes and a bench to sit on.  
 The sun is bright today and the birds are singing, there is a slight chill in the air.  I am feeling a need to get outside in Nature and ground myself.  I am liking Molly's, aka herspeak, idea of renting a cabin for the weekend at a place that has a lake and woods and just unplugging, unwinding and doing more relaxing and getting in tune with Nature, I will hopefully talk my husband into doing that when the weather gets a tad warmer.  When I get the memorial altar set up for my grandpa, I'll post pictures. 

I'm Fine....Not Fine.

Woke up this morning to a slightly chilly day, but now as I sit to write this the sun is out and I can hear birds chirping.  My husband asks me how I am doing?  I start to tell him I am fine, but I stop myself as we agreed that no matter what I am feeling, great, eh, gray day, black day, time to hide the pills and sharp objects day, I can tell him.  I am so thankful that I can be open with him, for so long around other people and even some friends I had to pretend that I was fine and everything was great and I had to smile and be upbeat.  I really just wanted to let them know hey I am not okay, I am feeling worthless, I am feeling like there is a dark shadow hanging over me, I feel like everything is wrong, but I couldn't do that, for fear of them drawing away, pulling back.  I made the mistake of telling a certain couple of friends about what I was really feeling and what was really going on  with me, they proceeded to tell me, oh it's all in your head, or maybe you were just having a down day, or maybe you should get out more, or sleep for awhile, or can't you just get over it.?  Gee, I really wish I could, or I really wish that was what was really going on...but um no...I can't.  They started to pull away.  Then I met my husband, we met in an online chat room.  We just clicked, we talked , we talked every day and then I got brave and gave him my number and then we started chatting via phone.  I felt safe and comfortable, because I didn't have to physically see him.  For five to six years I put off meeting him because I was afraid of what may happen.  I told him about my episodes what was going on with me, what had happen to me, I waited for the bomb to drop and the calls to stop, but you know what they didn't he kept talking to me, he kept helping me, all hours of the day I could call him when I was feeling like I was sinking.  So finally I got the nerve up, took the Grey Hound bus, I was afraid to fly, so I spent three days on a bus.  I fell in love with him and with California,  I cried when I had to leave, I came back the following year and he proposed to me on the beach as we were sitting on a bench.  He told me no matter what you are feeling or how you are feeling, I want you to tell me, I know sometimes when you say you're fine you're not fine.   It has taken some time but now I can be totally honest. I am thankful that almost 12 years ago, I didn't let my fear get me and I gave him my number.    I guess what I was trying to say with this post was, readers, if you know someone that has depression, panic attacks, anxiety, we don't really want you to go above and beyond, at times it may be exhausting dealing with someone like us, it's also exhausting for us as well, we just want you to say it's okay, I got your back, I understand.  We don't want you to back away from us, it's not contagious I promise..

The Road To Recovery and I am A Goddam Unicorn.

It's another quiet overcast gloomy day today.  As I said before, I love days like this.  So another thing I wanted to mention, that I didn't get to in my last long ass post, was that, I am overweight, let's just say I am over 300 pounds.  So you're probably reading this and saying well put the fork down, my problem isn't that I overeat, my problem is that I don't eat enough, I skip breakfast, I may only eat one meal a day or I may eat just two meals, I don't get enough vegetables and fruit.  I tend to eat bread and processed foods when I eat and I use artificial sweetener, which I have come to learn is very bad for you, it's worse than sugar, as our bodies do not know how to process it, even the coke zero that I have been drinking, I mean no calories right, so how can it be bad, well it's all the chemicals and such.  So yesterday I decided to not skip breakfast, eat more fruit and vegetables, eat more chicken and fish, and substitute pasta for spaghetti squash.  I did this about five years ago and I was loosing weight, I was working out for an hour or so a day, I even lost fifty pounds.  Then I moved here to California and it was so easy to just go get fast food or go out to eat with my husband.  The weight started coming back.  I am drinking tea now instead of reaching for the coke zero, I haven't touched the ice cream in the fridge that my husband bought two weeks ago, Instead of getting the cheeseburger I got the cod sandwich combo small.  So little changes no matter how small can make a difference in the long run.  When I started on my getting rid of weight five years ago, I didn't start out exercising, I ate, I ate breakfast, I ate more veggies, I cut portions in half.  I would get a half of a subway veggie sub or chicken sub, lots of veggies, one triangle of cheese and very light lite mayo and a small tea.  I was loosing ten pounds a month.  Then about five months into it, I decided to get a wii fit and the balance board I started working, at the time I could only do a few of the workouts but I loved it, then I bought an exercise bike and started riding that during a show that I liked to watch.  Then I started walking just around the cul de sac about four times, then I started doing all that in one day.  So now my goal is to get back to doing that.  Why did I stop when I got to California, You ask ?

Well because I had a break down, I started having panic attacks and staying in bed, not wanting to go out, thoughts of suicide kept popping up in my head.  I went to a therapist and she told me I had Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia.  I had some trauma in my childhood, I was molested for years by a next door neighbor, and then I was sexually assaulted when I was a young woman, so having to deal with this and have it all come out it set me back.  I have been going to therapy for five years now and it is helping I am also on meds, I am getting stronger each day and I am ready to get rid of the emotional, mental and physical weight. Because I am a goddamn unicorn.  Watch the video in the link and you'll know what I am talking about.   So here is the video I talked about in my last post, EFT with Molly aka herspeak on youtube, I did it today again and I feel great.