Update

HI All, 
I haven't posted in a while as things haven't been great for me mentally, I haven't felt like getting out of bed and my sleep is way off, I don't go to bed until five or six am in the morning and then sleep until two or three pm. I am in a downward spiral right now. I haven't felt like leaving the house nor really doing anything, today was the first day in a long time I have felt like sitting up and coming out of my room. I have lost a total of 59 pounds so far, I actually gained back eight of the 60 and then lost seven of it. So one more to go and I'll be at sixty.  Hubby bought me a motivator, to keep me on track with working out and eating and such. 





I have always wanted one and finally got it the catch is I have to loose forty two more pounds to get it. So yeah when I don't feel like working out, I say Kate Spade bag..It hasn't arrived yet, I cannot wait until it does, I wanted it in red, which they had at one time, but hubby waited until the last moment to order it.  As this one was on sale. It's nylon and not leather, which as it will be easier to clean. I'll save up later and order handbag in red.  I am also loving the Jeffree Star lipsticks, they last a long time and are almost hard to wipe off, I found that coconut oil works well in getting it off, so if you want a long last lip color and vegan and cruelty free as well as good business ethics buy from Jeffree Star.  I cannot believe it's almost Yule again, Time does fly.  I hope you are all well, I'll try to do a post about Yule next time and oh I am loving my book of shadows still, that I got from Country Pine cones on etsy.  I am thinking of ordering another one, but not in the double book style like on practical magic. I really need to start filling it again. Oh so my friend I talk about in my back burner post I haven't seen her in a long time, we sometimes chat via text, but as far as getting together yeah doesn't happen. Ah well...I am so done with all of it. 

Backburner Friend

Hey Y'all, Does anyone ever feel like what's in the picture above? If you don't know what a back burner friend is then let me tell you. A back burner friend is that friend who another friend won't contact or hang out with until they have no one else to talk to or have nothing to do, then suddenly they remember oh, I have back burner friend I can count on to answer or hang out when I am ready for them. Once non back burner friend has places to go and things to do you are put on the back burner once again.  

See I have a friend like this, if she is busy with other people or has plans, I don't hear from her for days or weeks, until suddenly, you guessed it, she remembers that I exist.  She'll text me and find out how I am doing. We try to make plans, I have canceled on her a few times due to my issues, and she has on me as well that is understandable, however, when I do text her about getting together, she has to check her calendar and pencil me in, and if I am lucky I get a morning spot for an hour or two because she might have plans later in the afternoon or right after my time is up, Really?! You can't make one whole day for me? See with me and her,she has to get back to me when she is free. We have never gone to the movies together, I have yet to meet her boyfriend, whom she has been dating for awhile, I have even suggested and asked that she, her boyfriend, I and my hubby get together and have dinner someplace, she tells me oh that sounds great we need to do that, I ask okay talk to boyfriend and you two come up with a date and time and let me know never hear back from her, I have asked and suggested a few times, I also have yet to really meet her friend of 20 some years, I think I got to say hello briefly to her other friend, but yet we three have never hung out together and have a movie, pizza night, and I have asked her on several occasions to come over to my house on the days that hubby is out late  having dinner with his mom, which as he does every Tuesday night, or on the day once a month when he goes to his friend's house for dinner, she never comes over or tells me she can't. See I feel like I am being taken for granted, now mind you all, I can text her, but see I don't like doing that when people are working, see I feel if you're at work then you shouldn't be messing with your phone unless it's on your own time. You say well text her and let her answer you at lunch problem is she has her phone by her or near her at her desk, oh and another thing when she and I do get together she is messing with her phone, texting, or checking things or calling other people or talking to someone else, I feel that that is just plain rude. Anyway I feel that she feels or knows that oh Tracy will be around when I have nothing else to do or don't have anyone else to hang out with and Tracy will be willing to hang out. My husband has asked me why do you have her in your life if she is treating you that way and hardly has time for you? Good question, I am starting to wonder that myself, you see this girl is getting tired of being a back burner friend. 

Not A Witch?

Hello and Merry Meet Everyone, Today I want to talk about something that riled me up. I won't mention names but I had someone say on facebook, oh it's that time of year again when everyone claims to be a witch. I read the comments and this person is saying she is from a long bloodline and a high priestess and that those that weren't from a bloodline wasn't really a witch.  I was like hold on back up, I said I wasn't born from a long bloodline, but I consider myself a witch, because I put in hours and hours of study, and practice and I have faith in the craft and faith in myself, am I there yet that she claims she is hell no, it takes years and years and many hours of study and practice to get there, and this girl didn't look like she was out of her 20s yet and claiming to be a high priestess, anyho, I went on to say you don't have to be from a long bloodline to be a witch you just have to put in the time effort and study work and belief in yourself and it can take years, she replied back to me, any mundane (what are we Harry Potter Characters?) can read a couple of books and call themselves witches but that doesn't make them one, she is like I can work with energy and do magic. I said saying that you have to be from a long bloodline to be a witch would be like saying you can't be a college graduate unless you come from a long line of college graduates. She kept going on and on, so I had to delete her ya'll. See what she don't know, I was actually called by The Morrigan, I didn't seek her out she came to me and said I want you, you will walk this path. Also what this person didn't know or didn't even ask, is that I do work with energy, I am also an empath and a bit psychic, also my husband was sitting right here when the Morrigan came to me and he was like stunned as he felt a big energy charge in the air at the moment I started crying yeah I cried when she came to me, as I was torn about choosing to turn away from the Church I was raised in and seeking a new path at the time when Morrigan came to me I was thinking of becoming Catholic. So do you have to be born from a bloodline? No,I feel you do not..I feel as long as you put the work, time, effort, and study and have faith in yourself, and don't doubt and faith in the Craft then you are a witch. Now please don't take this as I am bashing those that have a long bloodline of witches in their family, I am not, but It just riles me up when there are those out there, that you know aren't old enough to be all powerful and a high priestess to boot, and I have seen a lot that call themselves highpriest or priestess and have only read a few books and didn't put the time and effort into the work, I don't dare call myself one even though I have been in almost four years of study, I am not even close. I may never get there. I know a high priestess an actual one, it took her 25 years of work, study and testing, by another high priestess, to become one. So no my dears you don't have to be from a long blood line to be a witch. 

Learning To Stand Again

Merry Meet All,
I know it's been awhile. So I am now down to 326 pounds I believe, I will weigh tomorrow. If that is the case then I have lost a total of 60 pounds. My darling husband just bought me a standing desk converter, what this does it sits on your current desk and you can raise it up and down to go from sitting to standing.  I have really let my body go, I used to be able to stand for hours and now I can hardly stand at all, so today when my desk got here, I started standing every thirty mins for five mins at a time. I am not going to get discouraged, I am going to take it one day at a time. Yesterday I did a 20 min ddp yoga session, I did 30 squats while holding five pound weights in each hand, and then worked out my arms with said weights. I am determined to get rid of at least forty more pounds, to hit my goal of 100 pounds, I also have a goal to start walking again like I did when we lived at the beach and walked the boardwalk three miles a night.  It's so easy to put the weight on and so hard to get off, but this time, I am determined, I have cut out a lot of sodium and now working on cutting out a lot of sugar.  I am also slowly cutting out red meat and am going to try to the Beyond Meat, Beyond Burger product. If you are struggling to loose weight and feel like you can't do it or don't know how to start, well start by cutting sodium down, it may seem hard, but it's not, I make my own taco seasoning, I make my own pasta sauce, not hard at all I just experiment with spices. Like 21 season salute, from Trader Joe's or an all season blend from Costco, I use whole tomatoes when I make my pasta sauce, I just put them in the blender with spices and a bit of water and then just blend it and heat it, it is very good. If you can't hardly walk or get up, I recommend DDP Yoga I'll add the link https://www.ddpyoganow.com/ 
I am telling you this works, about two years ago I could hardly stand due to lower back and hip pain, I was doubled over in pain in the shower, I was about to give up thinking I was going to end up in a wheel chair, I saw this video https://vimeo.com/150671078 
and I was like I am going to order this dvd set, my husband got it for me, I started out with the chair warrior, doing 16 mins a day, I thought to myself, this is not going to work. Then I watched the video again and again and again, and  I kept at the DDP, I started dropping weight, I started to be able to walk a bit without pain, I now no longer have the back pain or the hip pain, I do admit that I did slack off starting in April as I went through a health issue and major depression but now I am back at it, and if I can do this, you can do this, I started cutting sodium, I starting eating smaller portions, started cutting out a lot of red meat, going meatless two days a week, drinking fruit smoothies, I don't miss the salt and trust me I used to be salt freak. Salt on everything, when I went low sodium after a month, I started tasting flavors the actual food, I can now say things have way too much salt in them, like french fries, I still eat fries, a small, I still get a cheeseburger, I still eat ice cream, I still eat pizza, cauliflower crust pizza from Trader Joes, or Costco, I make homemade mac and cheese, I eat potatoes, but I go low sodium, and smaller portions. You have to figure out what works for you, there is no easy solution and no quick fix, it's all up to you, I tell myself if I don't do this I am doing to die sooner than what I should be. I got my blood pressure down at last check from 151/96 to 138/87. I also drink more water, 80-120 ounces a day, I do still drink coke zero, I have one a day, sometimes one a week, it all depends on what I want to do, you don't have to deny yourself, or starve yourself. I am also getting a fitbit charge 3 for Christmas that is what I asked hubby to get me, I am loving my instapot, made a pot roast in it that was so tender it was falling apart and only in 30 mins. Baby steps, start out small, have faith in yourself and the wanting to do it. If you need help please ask me if you need support contact me here is my facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100010708119100&ref=bookmarks 
When you ask for a friend request send me a message that you found me via my blog. 

So I just wanted to check in with you, and let you know I am learning to stand again. Blessed Be, Everyone.

Finally Found The One!

Hey all, 
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, I have so much to catch up on and so much I want to blog about. So I finally got my book of shadows and let me tell you I found the one, I love love love my new book I got it from this place https://www.etsy.com/shop/CountryPinecones?ref=l2-shopheader-name 

She does excellent work and is a real sweet heart, I will be ordering another book from her. 

 The picture of the cover does not do it justice, in the light you can see a pattern of what looks like ivy and flowers and it really pops, you can get the book blank or filled with information in it already as well as get something on the cover I choose to have a blank cover, it's about 1400 pages front and back.

The paper is from an antique paper mill and good quality. Ya'll I showed this book to my mother-in-law, she thought it was 100 years old! yes the book looks like it has been passed down from Great-Grandmother to Grandmother to Mother to daughter, if you get my meaning. The book took about two weeks to arrive, some of them take about three weeks.

The clasps I picked out, it normally comes with a latch and book locks, I wouldn't go with the book locks and the latches that I have in the picture sometimes do not want to stay closed. I hope you are all doing well. This heat is killing me ya'll, there I go channeling Ember again, I am from the midwest, Missouri and we tend to say Ya'll. I just ordered https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764354922/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qaw08pU8yCM here is a link to Ember's review on this deck. Amazing I cannot wait to get it. I also just got these in




https://www.etsy.com/shop/AeonMoon?ref=l2-shopheader-name
Beautiful rune set and natural oak wood. 

 
I recommend this shop if you are wanting natural wood witches runes, they gather the wood themselves from the ground when a branch falls, they do not cut the tree at all to get the branches. That is why I picked this shop to buy my witch's runes from. It does come with a booklet, a rune pouch does not come with it, but you can buy one from their shop. 
Sorry for the long blog post but I wanted to show you all what I got and what I have coming in. Take care blessed be.  

Grandma

I just found out today that my grandma passed away, I haven't seen her in ten years I think.  She loved the colors pink and purple and loved to fish, as well as put puzzles together, she loved to read the Alex Cross series by James Patterson, she made the best snicker doodle cookies as well as egg noodles and yeast rolls. She was mother to nine children and several grand children, as well as great and great great, and great great great grand children. She was an amazing strong woman, who after her first husband died leaving her with nine kids worked hard to provide for them until she met her second husband, who also preceded her in death in 2006. Grandma I love you and miss you.  Grandma as I held your hand and looked down I didn't see the age spots or the wrinkles, I saw two hands that comforted her babies and her grandchildren, I saw two hands that lovingly made quilts for her family, and cooked for them, I saw two hands that baked the best snicker doodles and zucchini bread and egg noodles and yeast rolls and cakes and pies, I saw two hands that wiped away the tears of her children and grandchildren and tended to our cuts and scrapes and booboos, I saw two hands holding the brush that brushed our hair and held us when we needed hugs and cuddles, I saw two hands that tended to her husband as he lay dying of cancer, I saw two hands that worked hard to provide for her children after their father (her first husband) passed away at a young age. I saw two hands that held cards and a fishing pole, I saw two hands covered in dirt from the garden as you brought in tomatoes, green beans, and squash, I also saw those two hands smack our bottoms when we were acting up, I saw two hands pouring cups of black cherry koolaid and making bologna and cheese sandwiches, I saw two hands folded in a lap that would always welcome me with hugs and comfort, Thank you grandma for those two hands and for you, Always loved and never forgotten,

Blabbing/Am I Going To Get Scammed Again

Hello and Happy Litha everyone,

How are you celebrating Litha today?  As I stated in my last post, I will be having a picnic with my hubby, later this evening.  I am still awaiting word on when my book is going to ship, I was told it was going to be done June 5th and then a couple days before it was due I get a notice that there is going to be a ten day delay and that it would be done and sent on the 15th then I get another notice that their schedules got messed up and that it would be sent sometime this week, when I asked what day, I get no reply, this is the exact same thing that my scammer did to me, so what do you all think you think I am going to get scammed again, now I have seen that other people have their books that ordered from them, but so did other people that ordered from the person I ordered from?  I will give her until July first then I will get a refund.  This is just so frustrating. Sorry for this rant but yeah you would think that they would be on the ball and get the customer's order shipped, I mean they expect money up front and paid off before working on the book you ordered but then have no issue delaying your item. Wonder if doing a spell would get my book sent out faster LOL, I found something on facebook for homemade Headache Salve 

Stress Headache= Lavender and peppermint essential oils
Migraine- Peppermint and Basil Essential Oils
Congestion= Eucalyptus and Peppermint Essential Oils 
Normal Headache= Peppermint Essential Oil

What You'll Need To Make:
2 glass bowls different sizes
Hot Water
Oils
Small Metal Container, or glass baby food jars with lids
Virgin Coconut Oil
Put hot water into larger bowl, set smaller bowl ontop of larger bowl add in coconut oil, let sit until coconut oil is melted ( I guess however much you want, there were no measurements for this ) add drops of oil enough to where you can smell it, I would say about 1-3 drops, stir gently and pour into container. Let it harden, if you live in a warmer climate you may want to store it in fridge. To use dab onto your fingertips and rub into temples, back of your neck or sinuses or where ever needed. 

If I can find it I also have oil for pain I can't remember if I got it from Lady Gravedancer https://www.youtube.com/user/TheLadygravedancer or Ember Honey Raven   https://www.youtube.com/user/EmberHoneyraven/featured?disable_polymer=1
 But when I find it I"ll post it in my next post as well as Lady Gravedancer's cough drops or cold drops.
Wonderful women I highly recommend their youtube channels, please subscribe to them you won't regret it.  
Oh on another note I am now at 327 or 328, so I am at a 56-55 pound weight loss now. 
 I just felt like Blabbing today. 

Update July 8th I finally got my book of shadows a few days ago, the cover is amazing, however, the paper inside is not archival acid free, it's just plain old printer paper, the paper is hard to get out of the binding as they put the posts in the spine along the side and not through the middle flap, you cannot add more paper or even good quality paper without not being able to add much, also the inside covers are not cloth but printer paper with a printed design on it, and the title page is not hand done as they state but printed out and it was already chipping the ink off when I got it, my husband ended up with it and I am waiting on my new one to come in on Friday from a different person, this one is a practical magic style and is made to look antique. 

Litha

Hello and merry meet everyone, I hope you are doing well today. 
Can you believe that it is almost summer and also the time for Litha, What are you going to be doing on Litha? I think Hubby and I are going to have a picnic, maybe have some french bread, some cheese, grapes, cucumber, hummus, some sliced turkey or chicken, iced tea for me and not sure what for him to drink and I think we may go to the park.  

What is Litha? For me it is the time to honor the Sun God, also the longest day of the year, it is celebrated on or around the first day of summer normally the 21st of June or as close as you can get, so I guess it would be 20-22nd.  This is a time to worship the sun and fire plays a big part, from burning a balefire to lighting candles.  It was a time to celebrate the crops that have grown and thrived, knowing that harvest was around the corner.  

You could decorate your altar by using reds, golds, yellows, summer flowers,such as sunflowers, and herbs, maybe sunflower seeds, perhaps feed the birds the seeds or enjoy them yourself, 

Foods to eat for your litha feast could include
Summer veggies and fruit
Bread, milk, cheese, fish, chicken, fruit breads, cakes, pies, wines

light some sandalwood incense 

Make a pinwheel or a solar wheel or a witches ladder, reaffirm yourself to the God and Goddess. 

This is also the time for hand fasting and weddings. 

No matter how you celebrate the day, I hope you make the most of it and enjoy it and have a blessed and beautiful day. 

Untitled Poem

she sits and watches the world go by
they stop and ask her, how she is
she smiles and replies, I am fine
She smiles and says please sit if only
for a bit, that is if you have the time
No,?, Really I am fine, they walk away
and she just stays, in a daze, her days
so gray. She sits and watches the world go by, 
they stop and ask her how she is.
She smiles and says I'm fine. 
They don't know that she hides
behind her smile, while inside her world is gray. 
She sits day by day and watches the world go by
wishing she were fine. 
~Tracy Kelly, 2018~

Goodbye Mr and Mrs Tyrrell, My Mentor, Friend, Teacher and Second Dad.

Springfield police are investigating what they are calling a double murder discovered Thursday evening.

The victims are a man who taught in area colleges and retired as an assistant superintendent in Mountain Grove schools after three decades and his wife, an Avon saleswoman and volunteer for the elderly, police said.

According to a release from police, Gary Tyrrell, 60, and Jan Tyrrell, 61, were found dead at their home at 3232 S. Greenbrier Ave., about 7 p.m. Police said they don't have a suspect.

Police Lt. Tad Peters wouldn't describe the couple's injuries or specific location in the home where they were found.

Autopsies are being conducted to determine the cause of death for each.https://www.news-leader.com/story/news/crime/2014/05/02/police-investigating-double-homicide/8613855/

 Ex-school superintendent is charged for murders of Gary and Jan Tyrrell

By Mike Landis

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. - A man from Ozark is accused of killing a couple from Springfield, Gary and Jan Tyrrell. Mark Porter, 53, was charged on Friday with two counts of first-degree murder. Part of the evidence against him is DNA on a coffee cup that he discarded that matches DNA on a latex glove found near Jan Tyrrell's body. 

 The Tyrrells were found dead in their home in southeast Springfield on May 2. Police refused to release the causes of death or many other details about the murders. The charging statement released on Friday says Jan
Tyrrell died of blunt force trauma to the head and Gary Tyrrell was shot twice.

Porter was superintendent in the Mountain Grove School District for two school years, 2003-2005. The superintendent's office says those are the only years that he worked in the district.

Gary Tyrrell was a longtime teacher and administrator in the Mountain Grove School District. He was an assistant superintendent to Porter from '03-05. A memorial service for the Tyrrells was in Mountain Grove, where they maintained many friends after they moved to Springfield several years ago.

Gary and Jan Tyrrell, or Mr and Mrs. Tyrell, were great people, Mr. Tyrell, was my high school history teacher in the late 80s and early 90s, Mrs. Tyrrell was the high school librarian for a short time.  I had a rough time in school, I was failing, I was being bullied, I was depressed and wanting to kill myself, One day, this man, this teacher, Gary, came to me and said I would like to talk to you, we sat in his class after the class had ended, and he said look if you don't pull your grades up you're not going to graduate, he goes I know that you are smart, I know that you can do this, I know that you have a life inside, he said if it is okay I am going to talk to your parents and see about tutoring you after class during the time you have study hall and work with you to get your grades up, and if you want to talk I am here.  I sat back and looked at him like yeah, right...I ended up going to his class and he did help me, and I ended up on the honor roll all four years of high school and even graduated, He helped me through some dark times and even kept me from killing myself, I started to have a interest in things again, after graduation I was sad as I wouldn't get to see him again or so I thought, I took a year off and then started college, I picked a civil war history class and I walked into the class and like the others waited for our professor to arrive, I was looking down at my book, skimming through it dreading the class as for me history is boring but yet Mr Tyrrell made it fun and interesting, "Good Evening Class, " I blinked, that voice sounded so familiar, I look up and my eyes go wide, I couldn't say anything I was just so excited, he sits down and pulls out the roll sheet, and starts reading off the names, he stops, when I think he got to mine and he grins and looks up, "Well..., how are you ? Come here," we meet half way and he gives me a big hug, he says to the others, "This is one of my former students she just graduated high school where I was her history teacher, for a big part of the time." He asked if I minded if he talked about me and how I was and how I got to be where I was at that time, I said sure, I cried as he talked about how he saw this dejected kid, who seemed like she had no hope, and was failing and ready to end it, he talked about how I was bullied, and teased, how I was quiet and never spoke up, he talked about how he felt he had to do something, he knew there was a spark in there, He went on to tell them how I made the honor roll, all four years, how my grades improved, how I started coming out of my shell., anyway, It was a great year for me, having him as my professor, after I graduated I was sad once again that I wouldn't get to see this man that became my friend, my mentor and second dad, He practically watched me grow up, I moved to Springfield Missouri, when I was in my late 20s, and about a year later, I was walking down the sidewalk past some houses on Greenbriar, and I kept hearing someone call my name, I look up to see a man standing in his yard, and it was Mr. Tyrrell, I asked him, you live here? He said yep for about 20 some years, I said oh wow, I just live down the block in those apartments, have been for about two years, so we talked for a while, Mrs. Tyrrell came out and we chatted as well, we kept in touch and then in 2011 I moved to San Diego to be with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, and I kept in touch with Mr. Tyrrell on facebook. In late May of 2014  I get a call from my "dad", who I don't speak with and have had a very strained relationship and still do, called me and told me Gary and Jan had been killed, they were murdered, I sat down like someone had punched me in the stomach and I just lost it, I felt like I had lost my dad, he was the man I wanted as a dad and wish he had been my dad, I felt like I couldn't breathe, the air had been sucked out of me, I haven't written about him until now or even really talked about him other than to my husband, as it's been to painful.  I can't express how much he has helped me, and what a kind gentle, soul he was, who really loved teaching and cared about his students, if anyone deserved the teacher of the year award it was this man. 

Mr Tyrrell, Thank you so much for everything that you did for me, thank you thank you thank you, if you hadn't of stepped in when you did, I wouldn't be here writing this today. You are and were my Teacher, Friend, Mentor and second dad. 

link to a website with links to the newpaper stories and such.  https://mylifeofcrime.wordpress.com/2017/01/22/monsters-among-us-mark-porter-killed-gary-and-jan-tyrrell-sentenced-to-two-consecutive-life-terms/

Jules

Dear Jules,
I just found out that you passed away three years ago.  I am so sorry I wish we had kept in touch.  When I heard, all the memories came flooding in, like how I would spend the night at your house and your, mom, who,  also passed not long after you did, would make her tuna noodle casserole, and you and I would watch Clan of The Cave Bear and then go up to your room and listen to music and talk about the boys we had a crush on in school, and we would talk and laugh all night and fall asleep with the radio playing, you always had to have that damn radio on, I never figured out how you could sleep with it on.  I always thought you were cool and I loved your clothing style and how you didn't take shit off of anyone, I remember walking the halls with you at school and sitting with you, Heath, Sheena, and Marcy at lunch, I remember when we used to walk the square late at night and around town, I remember how we went to your grandpa's and we climbed that big ass hill, I didn't really want to but your grandpa said it was tradition for friends and family to climb ___(name left out), hill. I remember how we would pass notes in class and put L/Y/L/A/S F/F at the end, I still have a few of those notes that you gave to me, Jules I am so sorry we lost touch for awhile, until I found you on facebook and saw that you were married and had your little girl finally.  Remember when we were riding in the back of your mom's truck late at night down the gravel road and we were trying to come up with a song, it went "The night is dark, the moon is full the wolves are howling in the night..." that is as far as we got, we used to listen to Ozzy's Bark at the moon and the beastie boys, I remember you used to always wear that damn black trench coat and I threatened to burn it a few times, LOL, you were tough on the outside but so sweet and caring on the inside, you never let anyone or anything get you down, you always had a smile and you were always there to listen and make me smile when I was feeling down, you had my back and I hope I had yours, you became my sister, my friend, when Brat, moved away, I am just in shock Jules, that you are gone, I wish I could have kept in touch, I did try to find you again when I had to change my facebook and sent you a friend request, now I know why you never answered, you were fighting a long hard fight, Jules, It isn't fair, man, 40 or 41 was way to young to go, I know you are now with your husband, Mike, died four months ago this year also of cancer, Jules, I don't want to say goodbye, I keep thinking about how you were and all the good times we had, I just saw pictures of your little girl and she looks so cute and so much like you, I tried to find out where she is now, I am hoping that she is with her big brother, Man Jules, I can't say goodbye, I'll say see you later 
L/Y/L/A/S F/F, Tracy -N- Jules B/F/F remember Jules, this is how we signed it, I still do Jules, I still do, 
p.s. I remember how much you loved kiwi and you got me started loving them as well, I'll eat a few in memory of you and some damn crab legs,
p.p.s. see you later gator.....I am waiting to hear you say after while crocodile...

*This letter is to one of my best friends in high school, we met back in 89 and kept in touch up until 2014, she passed away in 2015 of stomach cancer, she was only 40, or 41.* 

Crone/Aunt Flo/Perimenopause.

 

Warning I talk about Periods and say the Fuck word a few times, don't want to read about it then move on. 

 

"What the fuck is wrong with me, ?" I yell at my husband, as I bust into tears, I cry at the drop of a hat, my aunt flo times are wonky, I don't feel like myself, my anxiety is through the roof, it's hot in here, I am waking up with sweat between my boobs, " I look in the mirror and wail again "I have pimples, I am 45 why the hell am I getting pimples again, why is my aunt flo so heavy,and last month so light, and the three times prior to that, normal and the two times prior to that just a bit of pink tinge when I wipe, " "Ugh I need more sleep" Even though I slept eight hours, why the hell can I not get to sleep before three am when I used to fall asleep at 11 pm, Why am I suddenly snapping at the cats and the dog and feeling out of sorts, and even snapping at my hubby, one moment I am laughing and happy next moment crying, and a mess, my depression is getting worse, my anxiety and panic attacks are more frequent, I have muscle tightness and joint aches, and sex...yeah no thanks, not tonight dear, really not in the mood, why am I dry sometimes,  when I used to get wet just like that, are those strands of gray hair on my head...why am I getting sharp pains in my boobs now, at random times? why do I feel like I am invisible, and not myself? Why can't I focus, I used to read three books a week, now I can barley get through one every two weeks or even one a month, I am finding no pleasure in things right now, all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just hide from the world. I feel like something is missing, like I am missing a big part of me. "I have old people's eyes, " I wail at him "I had to get progression lenses, and then wear computer glasses and then my progression for watching t.v. and reading, " my husband just smiles and hugs me, babe...welcome to middle age he says to me... I want to smack him. 

Then it dawned on me, I think I am hitting the crone stage of my life, I think I am going through perimenopause, according to this website and the ticks I checked off, yep I think I am entering that stage..https://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/ 
But why am I upset? I should be rejoicing, soon I won't have to deal with the damn bleeding every month and the pads, and such, but yet, I feel a bit sad, perhaps its because maybe it was just a jolt, to suddenly wake up  and realize that I am changing that I am not the younger self I once was. I am going to have to learn to embrace this and welcome it, I know I'll get to that stage to where I'll say I am growing old gracefully and will accept it and embrace it, but right now, can I please jump ahead and just magically not have to deal with the changes, and just wake up and be at the other end of menopause? 
So what is actually the Crone stage, and what are the other stages, So I did a bit of research and more in depth about the Maiden, Mother, Crone aspect, I did some research when I first started the craft and didn't think to much of it, and this is what I learned. 
The Maiden for me is the time when you are a young girl just going through puberty, learning about all the aspects of what it will be like to be a woman, getting first period, first crush, first kiss, body changes from a child to a teen and the stage before marriage and children, it's a time of innocence and being childlike. 
The Mother for me is the time of being a bit older, a bit wiser, being a homemaker, don't matter if you have children or not, you care for someone or something, seeking more knowledge, more answers, establishing yourself, finding yourself, perhaps, learning who you really are, the fertile years, or the caring stage, where you worry and care for everyone else but yourself, running yourself ragged, to make sure everyone you love or everything you care about is safe and healthy and taken care of.
The Crone aspect for me is, You're getting older, wiser, and more powerful, taking more charge of yourself and embracing life more, if you have kids they are probably out of the house and now you can totally focus on you, perhaps making more new friends women your age you can sit and gossip with, be a bit more out there, be more loud, if someone looks at you funny as you and your friends laugh and carry on, you have the privilege to say I am old dammit I can say what I want (all this is said in jest), a time to really focus on you, learn new things, to do what you want to do, go back to school, travel, hit that second sexual peak, pamper yourself, learn more, do more, be more, I hope when I am done with my crone stage, I can be like Aunt Jet and Aunt Frances from Practical Magic, or be like the Golden Girls.

  Picture Credit https://elvenstardesigns.deviantart.com/art/Triple-goddess-moonstone-circlet-563599567

Book Reviews and Getting Back The Basics Again

Hey all Merry Meet, 
Today I want to do some book reviews, I had been meaning to do this for awhile and thanks to Ember HoneyRaven, Hello doll, if you're reading this, I added some books to my collection, I just love me some Ember Honeyraven, I have been watching her for a few years, any way, first book is. 


I actually enjoyed the book, she does talk a lot about Aunt Flo, that time of the month, now a lot of people didn't like the book saying that she says if you can't have children then you aren't really a woman, I was like where did they pick that up, the writer has PCOS and can't have children or has a hard time, I can't remember, but I, in no way, saw anything where she bashes women for not having children, I agree with her, we should not be ashamed for being a woman and we should not have to apologize for being loud, outspoken or even being a female. 

Excellent book on the day to day of those during the Witch Trials, events before and during, this book was haunting for me as, this was a dark time in history and many innocents were hung for being witches, even if they did practice the craft or not.  I recommend this book. 

Not sure if you all like true crime or not, I am a true crime buff, love love love true crime,

Great book on the unsolved case of Betsy Aardsma, who was killed in the Penn State Library, if you all are familiar with Ryan Buell, and Paranormal State, he talks about her in one of his shows. 

What did you all think about the capture of the East Area Rapist?  I was happy that they finally caught the guy, I am reading this book and put it down and started a few others, I tend to do that, read one, put it down start another, I think I have about five books going 


I can't give a big review on it, as I haven't finished it so far so good, however, some of the details in there are a bit much when he talks about the rapes. 

If you are familiar with Dr. Sam Sheppard I found this online and was happy to see, it was actually signed by him and his second wife,

Another book I am in the process of reading, so far so good, will update as soon as I am done. 

I was talking to hubby today and said I really need to start doing more with the craft actually start, I have been such a slacker.  Got word my book of shadows is being delayed, was told it would be done in about ten days, I am having a sense of deja vu and hoping I am not going to get scammed again, oh I also have a new man in my life, He is such a lover, and loves to cuddle. He has become mommy's boy and my familiar he loves laying near me, and on anything I am trying to work on. We adopted him as well as every animal we have had from the animal shelter. 
everyone meet Pepe,