I'll Do My Best.

 As I sit here looking out my window, it's sunny but yet raining.  The weather is getting a bit cooler and the nights seem longer. I am amazed at how beautiful this world can be, I am  hearing birds singing and I hear the rain falling, I smell the wet earth and hear the cars passing making the splash noise as they hit a puddle, I hear my neighbor laughing and talking with her friend. I hear the clock ticking as it keeps time minute by minute.

I am a bit sleepy and want to climb under a warm blanket with a good book and a warm drink or even a glass of iced tea or maybe a cup of soup sipping it slowly as I read.  Right now I am calm, but that could change any moment, I can either start to be very depressed or feeling like I can conquer the world and go nonstop like the energizer bunny or even angry and irritated, or wanting to spend and shop buying things I don't really need, or crying for no reason, or feeling like I am ugly and worthless wanting to end it all, my mind is like a car with the accelerator stuck at 120 miles per hour, on some days, other days I feel like I can't climb a hill and going at 2 miles per hour. I could never figure out why I was this way...until my last psych appointment. 

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, not something I wanted to hear, but a relief that I finally know. So I am going to start reading up on it and start tracking my cycles and doing what I can to help myself. Will be taking it one day at a time. 

I have also decided to start eating small meals every two hours and track my food on fitness pal start sort of doing what I was doing in springfield, eating every two hours, and working out every day, going to start using hand weights like I did, starting out doing five of each of the sets, do DDP bedflex again. 

Try to start doing more self care. I forgot to weigh this morning so I'll do that tomorrow as well as weights. I will also try to be more consistent with my blogging and vlogging and self care. 

I can't make any promises as I am on a roller coaster that is hard to get off of, but I'll do my best. 

Hello Depression My Old Friend.

 So you know how most people can just jump out of bed feeling energized and hit the gym and get breakfast and run a million errands and hang out with friends? That should be a normal thing, right? That is unless you have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. See here is how I wish my days would go: Get up at a decent time around 8am-9am, shower, brush my hair, cleanse my face, work out, grab a smoothie, spend time at my altar, write a blog post, clean the house, fix lunch, meditate, do a youtube video and upload it, do a book of shadows page, work on the book that I have been writing for ten years but keep putting it aside, make dinner, do the dishes, go for a walk, read, have sex with my husband and fall asleep around 11.

In reality this is my day: Wake up at 2 am, go pee, give the pets treats, crawl back into bed, grab my chrome book, check facebook, email, instagram, watch youtube to zone out, tell myself okay one more video as it's helping my mind rest for a moment and keeps the anxiety and depression at bay and makes me forget I have depression for one more day, as it turns off my thoughts, glance at the clock and tell myself I should eat and drink some water, drag myself out of bed into the kitchen, grab a coke zero and make a sandwich, go back to my room and crawl into bed, click another youtube video to get out of my head as I eat...stare at my water container thinking yeah I should really drink some water, yell hello to my husband as he wanders into the living room, tell him I am okay and I am fine, but inside it's a lie, check facebook again, email, and instagram, Sighs wishing I could get motivated and be like those who have a plan and stick with it and loose the weight, get inspired by a person that was once like me, overweight and depressed and now is looking their best and feeling their best, if they can do it so can I, I jump up grab a notebook and a pen and start to make a plan, I'll meal prep and plan, I'll work out, I'll start eating healthy, I'll start going out, I'll start tomorrow, feeling energized and happy that I jotted down my plan I put my notebook down and watch youtube again, I tell myself I need to eat, it's been hours since that sandwich, groans as I have to drag myself out of bed and go prep something goes back to watching youtube wishing I was a domestic goddess like that youtuber who has ten kids, and meal preps for all week, and shops for groceries and cleans her house, while homeschooling her kids (I hate that bitch)

. 7pm I get food, 8pm I am out like a light, two am I am wide awake, forgetting all about or not wanting to remember my one brief moment of inspiration and motivation, what was I thinking I must have been nuts, telling myself I can start tomorrow,  I grab my chromebook and start again as the depression monster whispers so we meet again. 

(picture credit Sow Ay https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)

It's My Life.

Good Morning Everyone. 

 

I just thought I would sit and type whatever is on my mind at the moment.  I just did the dishes and waiting for them to dry. I am going to be cleaning the kitchen today and doing it little by little.  It's still hot here another month or so of the heat.  I am listening to Journey Wheel In The Sky as I type this and sipping water from my tumbler I got from Etsy that says Murderino on it. (SSDGM to all my MFM listeners). My boy Pepe is wanting my attention so I had to pause to give him some love.  

I am having some memories listening to Who's Crying Now? by Journey, remembering dancing in the gym in high school a slow dance with a good friend of mine that I had a huge crush on, (Heath, if you ever stumble across this blog I still think of you) Yeah before you ask I did divulge my feelings for him many years after high school, but he was already with someone.  Even though I was bullied and picked on in High School and sexually assaulted, I do have some good memories with Brat (her nickname), Jules. Living with my grandparents, MTV, when they actually played music, the movies. At  times I look at myself in the mirror and wonder when in the hell did I get so old? I long for those days again, no not the sexual assault and the bullying but the time with my good friends and the way things were. I would not trade my life as a teen then for the life a teenager has now. 

Sorry about the trip down memory lane for a few moments, on another note my husband got a job, He starts Wednesday and we are finally shopping for a new car. I have also, as I stated removed a negative person from my life. I have been working out more and I can feel that I am gaining muscle in my abdomen area as well as my upper arms, I still have a long way to go. I am up to sixteen bedflex 3 with DDPY. That one hurts like hell. My next step is to get some ankle weights and start using those when I do my back and forth walk. I have decided to work on a better, stronger, more positive me, because you know it's my life.  

I Choose Me.

I bet you all thought I dropped off the face of the earth? Well, I kind of have, the truth is my depression got so bad that I could not function a lot of days. So many things going on as well. On August 29th our cat Sophie passed away in my arms. I got word that my mom has less than five months to live, an uncle of mine is also dying, a good friend of mine passed away, I had COVID in February, before we even knew it was here.  My husband is between jobs, has been getting interviews but no calls, things shut down, stress building anxiety building, my "friend" going back to putting me on the back burner and only wanting to talk to me when she is driving home from her boyfriend's house, she at the moment is staying with him while she recovers from surgery, and I haven't heard from her but maybe twice. I met our new neighbor, who I feel like might be a kindred spirit when I get to know her better and we can hang out once Covid is gone and things are semi back to normal. I was diagnosed with IBS and GERD and at times it's no fun at all, like right now I am having an IBS issue, I am still going therapy been getting a lot off my chest. 

Hubby and I were planning on buying our own place and were actually going to look at one and perhaps put a down payment on it, but yeah COVID happened. We were also going to buy a new(ish) car and go on a vacation, but then COVID happened. There is also a big hole in our bathroom ceiling as there is a leak that happens when our upstairs neighbors takes a shower, last week we had a plumber in and he cut a hole in the ceiling and was like nope nothing wrong with the pipes but the floor upstairs is rotting, I'll let the landlord know he tells me, and I'll be back at four pm to go upstairs and check things out, never heard from him again nor has the landlord sent someone, so yeah going to have to call and make a fuss. 

I still haven't gotten a book written, I keep going back and forth on what I want to write, I have gained weight again and have started back on my DDP and trying to eat healthy and meal prep. Though I did jump on the overnight oats bandwagon and love them, as well as making mason jar meals ahead of time, such as stirfry noodles with chicken and veggies or rice and chicken and veggies, I a going to make some homemade chicken noodle soup and put those into jars as well, and make some yogurt parfaits. I can't eat much sugar anymore, it sets off my IBS, I am limited to 15 grams a day, thank goodness Reese cups are 8grams. 

I am also slowly figuring out me, and the person I want to be, I am still a work in progress and figured out I want to chose me 

As far as my "friend" goes I am going to have to let go and stick with it this time, as I can't keep playing these passive, aggressive games and her only reaching out when no one else is around or her only doing something with me when she has nothing else to do or her asking me how I am and me telling her but her not really listening only to make it about herself, or to criticize me or my husband and tell me I deserve better or if I was to leave I couldn't make it on my own and the reason why I stay is because I am afraid to be on my own, little does she know I have been on my own for many many many years before I met and married my husband and did very well. 

So in the end I choose me.