Hello and Merry Meet,
I am sorry I didn't get around to doing a post about Beltane, I will make that up in the next post. I am going to start posting more witchy/Wiccan things on my blog. I had a head cold and then got hit with two major panic attacks last week and then one on Sunday and then one last night. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, if I had any. I know in a few blogs I talked about depression and anxiety and panic attacks. People have asked me to describe it and it is hard too do so as everyone is different. Mine starts with a feeling of worry that builds up and then my stomach starts to jump as if someone is shocking me with a cattle prod and then I can feel my body start to shake, my hands shake, I feel like I can't catch my breath, my heart starts pounding, my body starts tensing up and my muscles clench, I start to go into a flight mode where I feel like I need to run and get somewhere safe. I start to cry, my body is tense but shaking, I start to pace. I start to babble "Help, Help, Help" It lasts for maybe an hour or so and then when I start to come down, I am tried, I am crying, my muscles hurt, my jaw hurts, I am so exhausted I just want to sleep and cuddle up next to my husband. When I have depression, I don't want to eat, I don't want to shower, I don't want to do anything but stay in bed, It feels like I am worthless, I feel like nothing is ever going to get better, I can't function I can't think clearly.
I also have OCD, Bi Polar and PTSD, as well as Agoraphobia. There are times where I cannot leave the house, even the thought of going and sitting outside, stresses me out. It is horrible that I cannot function on days like this. I miss being able to go to the library and to the store and shopping. I do all my shopping online and then my husband does the grocery shopping and sometimes the laundry.
People tell me I need to overcome it, to not let it win, to get over it, yes get over it. I wish people would understand that it isn't as easy as they think it is, everyone, at some point does have bouts of depression theirs tend to go away, for people that have Major Depressive Disorder, it doesn't go away, it can be helped with medications but it never goes away, neither does PTSD, OCD and Panic and Anxiety attacks, we may be fine for a year or more and then BAM!!! It hits out of the blue. For people like me, we do struggle every day to function, we do try to keep in check and we do try to have a normal life, we also tend to hide it and hide how we are feeling until it gets build up- so much that we "explode". I get tired of taking meds and tired of worrying that I am going to have a melt down, as I call my panic attacks, in public, it is embarrassing, and can be scary. For those of you that have a loved one or friend dealing with this, all I can say is, please stop telling them to get over it, please stop telling them don't let it control you, but instead tell them I am here for you, how can I help? We would love to be able to get over it and overcome it, but it is a long hard process. Trust me none of us wants to be this way.
