Woke up this morning to a slightly chilly day, but now as I sit to write this the sun is out and I can hear birds chirping. My husband asks me how I am doing? I start to tell him I am fine, but I stop myself as we agreed that no matter what I am feeling, great, eh, gray day, black day, time to hide the pills and sharp objects day, I can tell him. I am so thankful that I can be open with him, for so long around other people and even some friends I had to pretend that I was fine and everything was great and I had to smile and be upbeat. I really just wanted to let them know hey I am not okay, I am feeling worthless, I am feeling like there is a dark shadow hanging over me, I feel like everything is wrong, but I couldn't do that, for fear of them drawing away, pulling back. I made the mistake of telling a certain couple of friends about what I was really feeling and what was really going on with me, they proceeded to tell me, oh it's all in your head, or maybe you were just having a down day, or maybe you should get out more, or sleep for awhile, or can't you just get over it.? Gee, I really wish I could, or I really wish that was what was really going on...but um no...I can't. They started to pull away. Then I met my husband, we met in an online chat room. We just clicked, we talked , we talked every day and then I got brave and gave him my number and then we started chatting via phone. I felt safe and comfortable, because I didn't have to physically see him. For five to six years I put off meeting him because I was afraid of what may happen. I told him about my episodes what was going on with me, what had happen to me, I waited for the bomb to drop and the calls to stop, but you know what they didn't he kept talking to me, he kept helping me, all hours of the day I could call him when I was feeling like I was sinking. So finally I got the nerve up, took the Grey Hound bus, I was afraid to fly, so I spent three days on a bus. I fell in love with him and with California, I cried when I had to leave, I came back the following year and he proposed to me on the beach as we were sitting on a bench. He told me no matter what you are feeling or how you are feeling, I want you to tell me, I know sometimes when you say you're fine you're not fine. It has taken some time but now I can be totally honest. I am thankful that almost 12 years ago, I didn't let my fear get me and I gave him my number. I guess what I was trying to say with this post was, readers, if you know someone that has depression, panic attacks, anxiety, we don't really want you to go above and beyond, at times it may be exhausting dealing with someone like us, it's also exhausting for us as well, we just want you to say it's okay, I got your back, I understand. We don't want you to back away from us, it's not contagious I promise..
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