Like An Inchworm.

 The sun is shining today and it's warm, I can hear the birds singing, which normally I would be happy about, but today all I want to do is stay in bed. I am struggling today with my bipolar depression and feeling of worthlessness.   I have so much to do that I have put off but don't have the motivation to get anything done.  I am also feeling myself slipping into my manic phase which means I'll have to lock up my credit cards.  I tend to buy a lot of books when I am manic as well as pens and journals. 

I had one more chat with the "friend" I cut off, telling her once again why I cut her off, she kept telling me if I responded to her texts then that means I want to work on our friendship, I told her you do not get to give me an ultimatum that I was only responding to the text that I left on read, and that I wished no further contact from her and asked her to stop texting me, she kept doing it.  Then she tried to put the blame on me and bringing up things from the past and telling me that she didn't tell me the whole story of that "crazy friend". This is what narcissists do they turn the blame on you, don't accept that it is them that causes the issues and will try to play the pity me game and say "well you do this to and I always did  this for you and this and I never brought up any of the things you did, I would never do this and this ."  I am glad I broke ties with her and wish I had been this strong and sticking to my guns and boundaries ages ago when broke ties once before.  

I am also struggling to redefine myself, the person that I was once back in the state that I moved from is no longer who I am. I am trying to get on a routine work on taking it one day at a time, trying not to stress about things in my life I cannot control as well as feeling like the house and myself have to be perfect, as well as trying to find a way to deal with eating anxiety, I have been diagnosed with having an eating disorder, I am borderline anorexic, even though  I am overweight. Yes that is a thing due to the fact I restrict my eating, and I am living on 800-1000 calories a day and I get anxious when I have to to eat or even thinking about what to make for meals when I eat, I grab what is quickest and on hand right now, which is not very healthy and a lot of carbs and I stay in bed most of the time and not really exercise. 

I am also feel like I am just existing. I want to do more with my life than what I am doing now, but I am not sure what I want or what to do. I want to travel, but now with COVID  going on, and me still having a fear of flying even though I have done it twice from Missouri to California, I still am scared to fly.  I also have books I want to finish writing or even start writing I am beginning to feel like George R.R. Martin , takes about ten years to write a book. 

I really need to get out of this mindset I am in and get through this sewer I am crawling through like an inchworm. 

Finally Had Enough

 Today I decided I finally had enough, I had enough of being the back burner friend, I had enough of cringing when I would see your name pop up on my phone, I had enough of making excuses why I couldn't answer the phone or text or why I would avoid going out with you on several occasions or why I stopped opening up to you and telling you things going on in my life good or bad, when I used to be so open and excited to talk to you to no end. The reason is I had enough of being told over and over again "You need to push through, get it out of your head, you're playing the victim", I had enough of walking on eggshells, I had enough of only hearing from you when you have nothing else to do and no one else to hang out with, I had enough of the mine is better than yours, I had enough of it always being about you, I had enough of the dismissive behavior, I had enough of not being included, I had enough of being made to feel like shit, I had enough of the negative things you said, I had enough of never meeting your other friends when I asked, I had enough of hearing "I can't" when I would reach out for support, but expecting me to give support in return, I had enough of having to say more than just I am proud of you or great job because you would get upset if I didn't rave about you for moments on end, I had enough of when I would share my accomplishments I got an oh well, or that's good then you start back to talking about yourself again. I had enough of not being able to tell you about other friends I was meeting, because you would start to get jealous.  I've come to realize this whole time I wasn't the only one who felt this way, after hearing about how many friends walked away from  you and felt the same way I did, though you made me think it was,that I wasn't being supportive enough, that I wasn't being a good friend, when I reached out to you after having my darkest day when I tried to end my life, you quickly dismissed me and said "I can't" (meaning I can't extend the support) when I would ask you to come over and visit me so we can have time together you told me "I can't", I had enough of getting only a few moments of your time here and there when it was convenient for you and even then you seemed as if you wanted to be elsewhere, when I would pour my heart out to you, you were distracted by your phone, or making plans with other people as soon as you got rid of me, I felt like I was just an obligation, someone you felt you had to spend time with to fill your friend and good deed quota, and I felt you were just going through the motions not really sincere, I had enough of standing on the outside looking in. I have had enough of trying to walk away only to be made to feel like I was the horrible friend and being made to feel guilty, I had enough of giving you several chances over and over again.  I had enough of not loving myself more and caring about myself more to realize this isn't a friendship and I've had enough. 

*The above is about a toxic friendship and when enough should be enough. If you are experiencing any of this is your relationships or friendships it's time to cut the ties and walk away.  

I had to cut ties and walk away today, by doing so I am taking back my mental health and emotional health by cutting out a toxic person in my life, I realized that you shouldn't try to avoid calls and texts or dread going out, or not want to talk about your accomplishments, or bad days if someone were truly your friend. It's going to hurt for a bit and I know the guilt will come in but stay strong and don't give in. Make new friends ones that won't tell you I can't, or make you feel worse being around them then when you aren't.

Not My Circus Not My Monkeys

 

    Well it's a New Year, I sat on the couch with my husband on New Year's eve waiting for the ball to drop and a bit saddened at the live telecast of Times Square, seeing how empty it was, compared to last year. As the ball dropped I wondered what the new year was going to be like, I didn't dare make the usual resolution to lose weight and say the normal "this year is going to be my year" instead I looked at my husband and said my goals for this year are:

1. To be here now.

2. To Just Breathe.

3. To Know That I am Enough.

4. To Stay Strong  ; 

5. To Remember it's not my circus, not my monkeys. 

 

Number one for me means to only control what I can today to do what I can today, to let the past go and not worry or think of the future.TO BE HERE NOW.

Number Two for me means that when I am feeling overwhelmed or I just feel like my anxiety is getting to me or I am getting irritated at something to stop and JUST BREATHE.

Number Three for me means when I am looking in the mirror and feeling ugly, and worthless, and not good enough or that I am a failure (that's what the voices in my head tell me) I stand there looking in the mirror I am going to tell my self That I AM ENOUGH. 

Number Four for me is that I am not done with this life yet, even though I have tried to end my life, that when I sink down into that dark pit and ready to give up that it will pass I just need to STAY STRONG. 

Number Five when I want to speak before I think or get upset over something that someone is doing or not following the rules, and I just want to mouth off that it's NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS.