I'm Trying My Best and That's All I Can Do.

 

Yeah so it's been one of those weeks, you know those weeks where you have every intention of starting those goals you set for yourself, or you mean to get back to them, but life comes in like Mike Tyson throwing the old knockout punches. Yeah that's what this week has been like for me. I am trying to figure out where the hell I want to be in this game of life and trying to figure out who I want to be or what I want to be, the idea me would be someone who gets up every morning and is perky, gets their bed made, meditates, works out, makes a healthy breakfast, cleans up the house and then spends all day reading or working on that book I keep saying I am writing, I am writing a book and I have made some progress on it, but anyway that's a whole other story.  Right now I stay up until three am either reading, or playing Dreamlight Valley on the Macbook, or doing both then listening to Critical Role, and fall asleep to that playing then I'll wake up at noon or one pm, get out of bed, grab my water bottles and fill them then back to go crawl into bed and just stare at the screen or I'll read or listen to Critical Role while playing Dream Light Valley, while telling myself yeah I'll set my timer and then do some stretches or bed exercises or walk a few laps in the house and then I go back to being a slug. While this little guy keeps me company 

That's an old picture of Mozzie,  he is going to be turning 2 in July. Don't get me wrong I have exercised and I did meditate and I have lost 17 pounds but yeah I slacked off big time. I keep telling myself I'll get back to it and I will. I did sit down and have a stern yet have a gentle talking to myself. I asked myself why am I hanging on to the trauma of the past? Why am I allowing my estranged dad to live rent free in my head? Why is it hard for me to put me first and stop worrying about and checking on others?  It's almost five pm and I have been awake for for four hours, the only thing I have done so far was to fill up my water, write a journal entry in my journal, make vegetable beef soup, that is cooking now, and write this blog post and order grocery delivery for tomorrow.  I know I know you are saying well that is a lot, for me it isn't, I want to go back to sleep, I haven't worked out, I haven't meditated, I wanted to start getting back to being witchy, I didn't even do anything for Ostara, which is the Pagan "Easter" and was on March 20th, I have plans to organize my books and start a TBR jar of my unread books, I am doing six reading challenges and am about to give up and just read what I want to read or do the TBR jar and pull out reads. I want to read a lot more and become more bookwormish. So why can't I do all those things, I know I can, but my mind and this mental block, my unhealed inner child are all tugging on me going hey, don't forget us, you need to put us first, oh and did I mention my spoon counter is like uh you're out of spoons. I still have to change the sheets on my bed. You know right now  is a good time to step back and take a deep breath and drink some water, and eat some soup and tell myself, there is always tomorrow, "I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. 

Happy Fucking Birthday To Me.

 

Yep, I know you don't have to say it, it's been a year since my last post, yeah I know I did say I was going to try to be more consistent..I am not going to make up any excuses, nope the truth is..I've been in a bad depressive episode, so bad in fact that I don't want to get out of bed and the only time I do, is to play Disney Dream light Valley for hours on end then crawl my ass back to bed.  Sometimes I only get up to go pee and then crawl back into bed, where I grab my Macbook and play Dream Light Valley, I also read, I read 11 books in Jan, and only four, maybe five, hell I don't remember in Feb.  Anyway yeah depression sucks and all and you'll have people tell you,oh you just have to find some reason  to get up and get out of bed, or you just have to push through and not let it keep you in bed, well fuck that, no you don't the only thing you need to do is focus on you, if you want to stay in bed then do it, if the only thing you can manage is to get up to go pee and maybe brush your teeth and run a wet washcloth over certain body parts to feel clean and swipe something on so your armpits don't stink then so be it, and even if that is too much then so be it.  I turned 52 yesterday, it felt just like any other day for me, I didn't even feel like celebrating, my husband spent part of the day at his mom's, I woke up thinking he would have thought to have gone out before I woke up, went to the store got me a balloon, some flowers and a card he spent time picking out and maybe writing a sweet message in...nope nothing. Though I can't complain he gave me money to buy books, and I did have to make my own cupcakes and prep the other stuff, I just wanted not to have had planned anything out, and you know and have someone make my cupcakes and surprised me, and maybe remembered what take out food was my favorite and went and got it instead of me having to say hey...why don't you go pick up such and such from such and such place, it would have been nice to have been surprised with it...so then when he got home, we ate, turned on a movie and we were watching it, had just 45 mins left, he gets up and says I am done, I was like what, he goes I am tired and am going to bed..I was like okay we have maybe 45 mins left.he turns off the movie and says goodnight and goes to bed, I am like okay...so I only got an hour spent with him at the most..on my birthday...even though I wasn't feeling it and feeling emotional, due to missing my mom, I was making an effort, was I laughing at the comedy, nope as certain subjects in that movie I didn't find funny, if you've ever seen The Dictator Unrated Version, you'll know what I am talking about....that's not even the movie I wanted to see, he picked it not me, so after he went to bed, I went to my room and vegged out with Critical Role, played Dream Light Valley, and read. I do want to thank someone I met on an online app, who has become a great and dear friend, she sent me a birthday card it was so sweet and kind, I haven't gotten a birthday card in years, Kaley, thank you so much!! It meant so much to me, even my own family never calls or sends one, one of my aunts out of my whole family was the only one to send me a happy birthday message on Facebook, because of the hey so and so's birthday is today, wish them a happy birthday, if that didn't pop up I don't think anyone would have said anything at all. That is okay actually, the whole point I am making with this, what seems like I am complaining, I am not, I wanted to say if no one celebrates your day, celebrate yourself, throw yourself a party, I did by making my own cupcakes, telling him what I wanted to eat, picking out my own books with my money he and my mother in law gave me, I just might wrap those suckers when they get here and then have the pleasure of ripping them open, buy those flowers and balloons and pick out your own card, as I said celebrate yourself. I ended the day by lounging in bed, feeling relaxed and yeah a bit emotional, as it will be two years almost since my mom died, watching Critical Role, and playing a game I love a lot, and that is how I spent my birthday celebrating myself, so happy fucking birthday to me and to you, whatever day it maybe, if I can find the recipe I used, I'll edit this post and add it in so you can make the same ones, they are dense, and not to sweet. 

In A Nutshell.

It has been so long since I have written a post, wow almost three years I think. So much has happened. First off, I thought I lost this blog, I could not remember my password. Then When I was able to remember my password, the blog didn't show up. So I finally found this blog again. Okay so here is what has been happening since 2021. I ended up getting covid in 2022, which turned into long covid, I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, on Oct 29th of 2022 my husband and I went to a hotel as he got us tickets to go to a dinner murder mystery event, which was a blast, however I think that is where I got covid. Started getting sick on Oct 31st, Nov 1st took a covid test showed neg, then took another one on Nov 2nd positive for Covid.  Then my husband got sick with Covid. Before all of this I was in a good place, I was working out again, had so much energy, I was going places, even walking more. So got better from Covid but as I said got long covid I do not have all of my energy back. Then we got a lot of rain in 2023 which caused flooding in our house that we had been living in for nine years, also battling a leaking roof to where we had dump buckets of water all night every ten mins, so we ended up having to move, to a nicer place. Everything seemed to be going well. Then everything started falling apart, June 6th a friend of mine died suddenly, so as I was grieving her, two weeks later my mom passed away on June 29th. I started working on my grief then Nov 6th Pepe got sick, suddenly, his kidneys started failing, we tried all we could to save him, and on Nov 8th we made the decision to put him to sleep, there was nothing more that the vet could do for my sweet boy. Nov 10th we ended up getting another cat a three month old kitten I named Mozzie, he is now seven months old, born July 24th, everything seemed to be going well, then suddenly Bailey my 13 year old cocker spaniel got sick, first they told us it was a double inner ear infection, and she had an eye infection, so we got meds for that, took her back in for a follow up, they found a heart murmur and enlarged heart, kidney levels elevated and something with her hip as well as dry eyes, so more meds and vet said to get contact eye solution to put in her eyes, which I did, then she started having seizures, Thursday the 18th of Jan was a bad night, she went down hill quickly and was having seizures every two hours, a week prior to that she stopped eating everything but ground turkey, she started losing a lot of weight, anyway, Friday Jan 19th 2024 my husband rushes her to the vet and, She never came home. I had a break down, a big one I was in bed for a month and half I turned 51 yesterday I still haven't figured out how to love myself and do what is best for me, I am still struggling with putting myself first. Though today I got up, brushed my hair, my teeth, put my Beats headphones on, turned on some music and started cleaning the kitchen. I also have been reading House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J. Maas. So yeah that's what the last almost three years have been like in a nutshell. I promise I won't be such a stranger.

 Bailey and Pepe. 

 mom. 1955-2023

Pepe.

Mozzie 3 months old

Like An Inchworm.

 The sun is shining today and it's warm, I can hear the birds singing, which normally I would be happy about, but today all I want to do is stay in bed. I am struggling today with my bipolar depression and feeling of worthlessness.   I have so much to do that I have put off but don't have the motivation to get anything done.  I am also feeling myself slipping into my manic phase which means I'll have to lock up my credit cards.  I tend to buy a lot of books when I am manic as well as pens and journals. 

I had one more chat with the "friend" I cut off, telling her once again why I cut her off, she kept telling me if I responded to her texts then that means I want to work on our friendship, I told her you do not get to give me an ultimatum that I was only responding to the text that I left on read, and that I wished no further contact from her and asked her to stop texting me, she kept doing it.  Then she tried to put the blame on me and bringing up things from the past and telling me that she didn't tell me the whole story of that "crazy friend". This is what narcissists do they turn the blame on you, don't accept that it is them that causes the issues and will try to play the pity me game and say "well you do this to and I always did  this for you and this and I never brought up any of the things you did, I would never do this and this ."  I am glad I broke ties with her and wish I had been this strong and sticking to my guns and boundaries ages ago when broke ties once before.  

I am also struggling to redefine myself, the person that I was once back in the state that I moved from is no longer who I am. I am trying to get on a routine work on taking it one day at a time, trying not to stress about things in my life I cannot control as well as feeling like the house and myself have to be perfect, as well as trying to find a way to deal with eating anxiety, I have been diagnosed with having an eating disorder, I am borderline anorexic, even though  I am overweight. Yes that is a thing due to the fact I restrict my eating, and I am living on 800-1000 calories a day and I get anxious when I have to to eat or even thinking about what to make for meals when I eat, I grab what is quickest and on hand right now, which is not very healthy and a lot of carbs and I stay in bed most of the time and not really exercise. 

I am also feel like I am just existing. I want to do more with my life than what I am doing now, but I am not sure what I want or what to do. I want to travel, but now with COVID  going on, and me still having a fear of flying even though I have done it twice from Missouri to California, I still am scared to fly.  I also have books I want to finish writing or even start writing I am beginning to feel like George R.R. Martin , takes about ten years to write a book. 

I really need to get out of this mindset I am in and get through this sewer I am crawling through like an inchworm. 

Finally Had Enough

 Today I decided I finally had enough, I had enough of being the back burner friend, I had enough of cringing when I would see your name pop up on my phone, I had enough of making excuses why I couldn't answer the phone or text or why I would avoid going out with you on several occasions or why I stopped opening up to you and telling you things going on in my life good or bad, when I used to be so open and excited to talk to you to no end. The reason is I had enough of being told over and over again "You need to push through, get it out of your head, you're playing the victim", I had enough of walking on eggshells, I had enough of only hearing from you when you have nothing else to do and no one else to hang out with, I had enough of the mine is better than yours, I had enough of it always being about you, I had enough of the dismissive behavior, I had enough of not being included, I had enough of being made to feel like shit, I had enough of the negative things you said, I had enough of never meeting your other friends when I asked, I had enough of hearing "I can't" when I would reach out for support, but expecting me to give support in return, I had enough of having to say more than just I am proud of you or great job because you would get upset if I didn't rave about you for moments on end, I had enough of when I would share my accomplishments I got an oh well, or that's good then you start back to talking about yourself again. I had enough of not being able to tell you about other friends I was meeting, because you would start to get jealous.  I've come to realize this whole time I wasn't the only one who felt this way, after hearing about how many friends walked away from  you and felt the same way I did, though you made me think it was,that I wasn't being supportive enough, that I wasn't being a good friend, when I reached out to you after having my darkest day when I tried to end my life, you quickly dismissed me and said "I can't" (meaning I can't extend the support) when I would ask you to come over and visit me so we can have time together you told me "I can't", I had enough of getting only a few moments of your time here and there when it was convenient for you and even then you seemed as if you wanted to be elsewhere, when I would pour my heart out to you, you were distracted by your phone, or making plans with other people as soon as you got rid of me, I felt like I was just an obligation, someone you felt you had to spend time with to fill your friend and good deed quota, and I felt you were just going through the motions not really sincere, I had enough of standing on the outside looking in. I have had enough of trying to walk away only to be made to feel like I was the horrible friend and being made to feel guilty, I had enough of giving you several chances over and over again.  I had enough of not loving myself more and caring about myself more to realize this isn't a friendship and I've had enough. 

*The above is about a toxic friendship and when enough should be enough. If you are experiencing any of this is your relationships or friendships it's time to cut the ties and walk away.  

I had to cut ties and walk away today, by doing so I am taking back my mental health and emotional health by cutting out a toxic person in my life, I realized that you shouldn't try to avoid calls and texts or dread going out, or not want to talk about your accomplishments, or bad days if someone were truly your friend. It's going to hurt for a bit and I know the guilt will come in but stay strong and don't give in. Make new friends ones that won't tell you I can't, or make you feel worse being around them then when you aren't.

Not My Circus Not My Monkeys

 

    Well it's a New Year, I sat on the couch with my husband on New Year's eve waiting for the ball to drop and a bit saddened at the live telecast of Times Square, seeing how empty it was, compared to last year. As the ball dropped I wondered what the new year was going to be like, I didn't dare make the usual resolution to lose weight and say the normal "this year is going to be my year" instead I looked at my husband and said my goals for this year are:

1. To be here now.

2. To Just Breathe.

3. To Know That I am Enough.

4. To Stay Strong  ; 

5. To Remember it's not my circus, not my monkeys. 

 

Number one for me means to only control what I can today to do what I can today, to let the past go and not worry or think of the future.TO BE HERE NOW.

Number Two for me means that when I am feeling overwhelmed or I just feel like my anxiety is getting to me or I am getting irritated at something to stop and JUST BREATHE.

Number Three for me means when I am looking in the mirror and feeling ugly, and worthless, and not good enough or that I am a failure (that's what the voices in my head tell me) I stand there looking in the mirror I am going to tell my self That I AM ENOUGH. 

Number Four for me is that I am not done with this life yet, even though I have tried to end my life, that when I sink down into that dark pit and ready to give up that it will pass I just need to STAY STRONG. 

Number Five when I want to speak before I think or get upset over something that someone is doing or not following the rules, and I just want to mouth off that it's NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS.

I'll Do My Best.

 As I sit here looking out my window, it's sunny but yet raining.  The weather is getting a bit cooler and the nights seem longer. I am amazed at how beautiful this world can be, I am  hearing birds singing and I hear the rain falling, I smell the wet earth and hear the cars passing making the splash noise as they hit a puddle, I hear my neighbor laughing and talking with her friend. I hear the clock ticking as it keeps time minute by minute.

I am a bit sleepy and want to climb under a warm blanket with a good book and a warm drink or even a glass of iced tea or maybe a cup of soup sipping it slowly as I read.  Right now I am calm, but that could change any moment, I can either start to be very depressed or feeling like I can conquer the world and go nonstop like the energizer bunny or even angry and irritated, or wanting to spend and shop buying things I don't really need, or crying for no reason, or feeling like I am ugly and worthless wanting to end it all, my mind is like a car with the accelerator stuck at 120 miles per hour, on some days, other days I feel like I can't climb a hill and going at 2 miles per hour. I could never figure out why I was this way...until my last psych appointment. 

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, not something I wanted to hear, but a relief that I finally know. So I am going to start reading up on it and start tracking my cycles and doing what I can to help myself. Will be taking it one day at a time. 

I have also decided to start eating small meals every two hours and track my food on fitness pal start sort of doing what I was doing in springfield, eating every two hours, and working out every day, going to start using hand weights like I did, starting out doing five of each of the sets, do DDP bedflex again. 

Try to start doing more self care. I forgot to weigh this morning so I'll do that tomorrow as well as weights. I will also try to be more consistent with my blogging and vlogging and self care. 

I can't make any promises as I am on a roller coaster that is hard to get off of, but I'll do my best. 

Hello Depression My Old Friend.

 So you know how most people can just jump out of bed feeling energized and hit the gym and get breakfast and run a million errands and hang out with friends? That should be a normal thing, right? That is unless you have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. See here is how I wish my days would go: Get up at a decent time around 8am-9am, shower, brush my hair, cleanse my face, work out, grab a smoothie, spend time at my altar, write a blog post, clean the house, fix lunch, meditate, do a youtube video and upload it, do a book of shadows page, work on the book that I have been writing for ten years but keep putting it aside, make dinner, do the dishes, go for a walk, read, have sex with my husband and fall asleep around 11.

In reality this is my day: Wake up at 2 am, go pee, give the pets treats, crawl back into bed, grab my chrome book, check facebook, email, instagram, watch youtube to zone out, tell myself okay one more video as it's helping my mind rest for a moment and keeps the anxiety and depression at bay and makes me forget I have depression for one more day, as it turns off my thoughts, glance at the clock and tell myself I should eat and drink some water, drag myself out of bed into the kitchen, grab a coke zero and make a sandwich, go back to my room and crawl into bed, click another youtube video to get out of my head as I eat...stare at my water container thinking yeah I should really drink some water, yell hello to my husband as he wanders into the living room, tell him I am okay and I am fine, but inside it's a lie, check facebook again, email, and instagram, Sighs wishing I could get motivated and be like those who have a plan and stick with it and loose the weight, get inspired by a person that was once like me, overweight and depressed and now is looking their best and feeling their best, if they can do it so can I, I jump up grab a notebook and a pen and start to make a plan, I'll meal prep and plan, I'll work out, I'll start eating healthy, I'll start going out, I'll start tomorrow, feeling energized and happy that I jotted down my plan I put my notebook down and watch youtube again, I tell myself I need to eat, it's been hours since that sandwich, groans as I have to drag myself out of bed and go prep something goes back to watching youtube wishing I was a domestic goddess like that youtuber who has ten kids, and meal preps for all week, and shops for groceries and cleans her house, while homeschooling her kids (I hate that bitch)

. 7pm I get food, 8pm I am out like a light, two am I am wide awake, forgetting all about or not wanting to remember my one brief moment of inspiration and motivation, what was I thinking I must have been nuts, telling myself I can start tomorrow,  I grab my chromebook and start again as the depression monster whispers so we meet again. 

(picture credit Sow Ay https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)

It's My Life.

Good Morning Everyone. 

 

I just thought I would sit and type whatever is on my mind at the moment.  I just did the dishes and waiting for them to dry. I am going to be cleaning the kitchen today and doing it little by little.  It's still hot here another month or so of the heat.  I am listening to Journey Wheel In The Sky as I type this and sipping water from my tumbler I got from Etsy that says Murderino on it. (SSDGM to all my MFM listeners). My boy Pepe is wanting my attention so I had to pause to give him some love.  

I am having some memories listening to Who's Crying Now? by Journey, remembering dancing in the gym in high school a slow dance with a good friend of mine that I had a huge crush on, (Heath, if you ever stumble across this blog I still think of you) Yeah before you ask I did divulge my feelings for him many years after high school, but he was already with someone.  Even though I was bullied and picked on in High School and sexually assaulted, I do have some good memories with Brat (her nickname), Jules. Living with my grandparents, MTV, when they actually played music, the movies. At  times I look at myself in the mirror and wonder when in the hell did I get so old? I long for those days again, no not the sexual assault and the bullying but the time with my good friends and the way things were. I would not trade my life as a teen then for the life a teenager has now. 

Sorry about the trip down memory lane for a few moments, on another note my husband got a job, He starts Wednesday and we are finally shopping for a new car. I have also, as I stated removed a negative person from my life. I have been working out more and I can feel that I am gaining muscle in my abdomen area as well as my upper arms, I still have a long way to go. I am up to sixteen bedflex 3 with DDPY. That one hurts like hell. My next step is to get some ankle weights and start using those when I do my back and forth walk. I have decided to work on a better, stronger, more positive me, because you know it's my life.  

I Choose Me.

I bet you all thought I dropped off the face of the earth? Well, I kind of have, the truth is my depression got so bad that I could not function a lot of days. So many things going on as well. On August 29th our cat Sophie passed away in my arms. I got word that my mom has less than five months to live, an uncle of mine is also dying, a good friend of mine passed away, I had COVID in February, before we even knew it was here.  My husband is between jobs, has been getting interviews but no calls, things shut down, stress building anxiety building, my "friend" going back to putting me on the back burner and only wanting to talk to me when she is driving home from her boyfriend's house, she at the moment is staying with him while she recovers from surgery, and I haven't heard from her but maybe twice. I met our new neighbor, who I feel like might be a kindred spirit when I get to know her better and we can hang out once Covid is gone and things are semi back to normal. I was diagnosed with IBS and GERD and at times it's no fun at all, like right now I am having an IBS issue, I am still going therapy been getting a lot off my chest. 

Hubby and I were planning on buying our own place and were actually going to look at one and perhaps put a down payment on it, but yeah COVID happened. We were also going to buy a new(ish) car and go on a vacation, but then COVID happened. There is also a big hole in our bathroom ceiling as there is a leak that happens when our upstairs neighbors takes a shower, last week we had a plumber in and he cut a hole in the ceiling and was like nope nothing wrong with the pipes but the floor upstairs is rotting, I'll let the landlord know he tells me, and I'll be back at four pm to go upstairs and check things out, never heard from him again nor has the landlord sent someone, so yeah going to have to call and make a fuss. 

I still haven't gotten a book written, I keep going back and forth on what I want to write, I have gained weight again and have started back on my DDP and trying to eat healthy and meal prep. Though I did jump on the overnight oats bandwagon and love them, as well as making mason jar meals ahead of time, such as stirfry noodles with chicken and veggies or rice and chicken and veggies, I a going to make some homemade chicken noodle soup and put those into jars as well, and make some yogurt parfaits. I can't eat much sugar anymore, it sets off my IBS, I am limited to 15 grams a day, thank goodness Reese cups are 8grams. 

I am also slowly figuring out me, and the person I want to be, I am still a work in progress and figured out I want to chose me 

As far as my "friend" goes I am going to have to let go and stick with it this time, as I can't keep playing these passive, aggressive games and her only reaching out when no one else is around or her only doing something with me when she has nothing else to do or her asking me how I am and me telling her but her not really listening only to make it about herself, or to criticize me or my husband and tell me I deserve better or if I was to leave I couldn't make it on my own and the reason why I stay is because I am afraid to be on my own, little does she know I have been on my own for many many many years before I met and married my husband and did very well. 

So in the end I choose me. 

Thanks But No Thanks.

So the other day I got into a fight with my "friend", the one that chose her boyfriend over our friendship. She got upset with me when I couldn't help her with a certain thing, I have almost always helped her and as soon as I said no she suddenly stopped talking to me and coming around, but when I needed help she would always say I can't.  She even told me that she couldn't ever rely on me.  That hurt me so much as I have almost always helped her with things.   Then she proceeds to tell me that I always act the victim when it comes to my depression and anxiety, that I always say I wish people could walk a couple of days in my shoes so they would know what I am going through.  I said that once to her as she kept telling me I need to fight and get over it, what she doesn't understand is that I do fight everyday, I fight to keep from killing myself, I fight to keep a happy smile on my face, I fight to keep from crumpling up and falling apart and breaking down. 

She doesn't know that I struggle to get things done around the house and keep myself healthy and struggle to eat.   That I feel like I am carrying a 160 pound monkey on my back. On some days I am so mentally exhausted and emotionally drained that I keep telling myself  to keep going don't give up, yet while another part of me is yelling I can't do it anymore it hurts I am so tired I can't and then I am standing there screaming at myself you can do it you have to do it. Then I look up and it's the end of the day and I made it. 

Friendship for me is giving without asking for anything in return, not getting upset when a friend tells you no they can't do something and friendship is not about doing things for your friends because it benefits you or you get something out of it, friendship isn't about putting your friend to the side when you find a new boyfriend or a new friend. Friendship is about compromise, trust, bonding, not questioning and letting things go, friendship is sitting there with someone not having to talk and laughter, not bringing up negative things constantly, and tearing your friends down when they are trying to better themselves but lift them up and help fix their crown. 
Friendships are Idgy and Ruth (Fried Green Tomatoes), Cee Cee Bloom and Hillary (Beaches), Rose, Dorothy, Blanche (Golden Girls), Gillan and Sally, Aunt Frances and Aunt Jett (Practical Magic),Duckie Dale and Andie (Pretty in Pink).
So if my "Friend's" Definition is all the prior about taking and not giving, only wanting your friend when you have nothing else going on and only when it gets you something then thanks but no thanks, I don't want a friendship like that.  I'll wait for my Ruth, my Hillary, My Dorothy and Blanche, My Gillan, and My Aunt Jett and my Duckie Dale. 

Surrender.

Hello everyone, 
WARNING I TALK ABOUT SEX,

I know it's been forever and a day. I have been working on myself, getting out more trying to live more. I have also lost two pant sizes and seven inches off my waist. I am also discovering myself sexually, learning what I like and exploring different things, Such as being a submissive. As I learn more I'll talk about it here.  My husband is starting a new job, a job that he always wanted, so such good news there. He and I have bonded more and have become closer, yes if you are wondering he is also willing to explore the Dom/sub aspect of our intimacy, he has been wanting to try that for so long but wasn't sure how to approach me with it and I in turn was wanting to explore that side but wasn't sure how to tell him, LOL, finally one day we just sat and talked about it.  So ladies don't be nervous to tell your husband you want that 50 Shades of Grey aspect in the bedroom or anytime. 

I am learning that in this new relationship we are having and about to have that He doesn't have all the control, it is me, as a sub that has the power, as in giving myself to Him, totally, I allow whatever to happen, happen. I say no when I don't feel comfortable with something and have to power to say stop when whatever gets to intense. For so long I have struggled with my sexual nature, feeling ashamed of certain thoughts. I was raised in a house hold that didn't discuss sex, sex was kept in the bedroom and that was it, you didn't talk about it really at all. I am also a rape survivor and that impacted a lot of how I viewed sex.  Since our little experiment I am feeling more sure about myself, more confident and more empowered. Learning who I am inside as a person and the power that I have.   No this isn't going to be a 24/7 thing but there are some aspects of it that will be 24/7. 

I am still going to therapy and still working on my mental health, I have also cut back my time and relationship with a certain friend that I have, she chose her boyfriend over friendship and said some things to me that made me step back and realize that what she and I had wasn't really friendship. 

I am growing as a person and changing and I like the changes so far. I am glad that I chose to surrender. 

I Don't Know How.

Hey Ya'll,
I know it's been awhile since I posted. So much has been going on. I am still doing my weight loss, I have gained and lost and gained again, I am trying to figure things out and do what is best for me, I am still going to therapy and I have started a youtube channel. My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. 

I still haven't talked to my "parents" I have cut all contact with them and I am feeling stronger everyday. I have almost finished writing one book. I am slowly trying to find the person I was once before, I know, I know, you can't be exactly who you were but I would love to find a bit of her inside of me of who I was once. 

I have also decided to get a tattoo on my wrist a semicolon with butterfly wings.  Even though I am terrified of needles. I am also going to get my hair colored, I love the reds and purples. 

 I have so much going on and so much I want to do, I just can't seem to get started or how to start. For example
1) Get rid of weight and be healthy (I know eating on a regular basis, getting in enough calories to speed my metabolism, and keep exercising and cutting down on carbs and such)
2) Find the person I want to be (still not sure who that is)
3) Get one book published (need to finish it first, then find an editor and publisher)
4) Organize the house and get it clean and keep it that way (hubby needs to also pitch in by keeping his stuff picked up and cleaning up after himself and throwing away any packages he opens and helping out a bit.
5) Having more friends, (since my one friend hardly calls me or wants to hang out with me anymore as she can't pry herself away from her boyfriend long enough to remember she has a friend, so I need to get out more and find someone who isn't going to put me on the backburner all of the time)
 6) Stop being so hard on myself...(I don't know how)
7) Start loving myself (I don't know how)

Learning To Heal And Be Me Again and In A Magickal Slump.

Hey Everyone, It's been forever since I have blogged anything.  I have been dealing with some issues, mental health-related and emotional.  I about 20 years ago walked away from a toxic relationship and I never knew how to heal and I was just pushing it in the back of my mind. I was watching my girl Ember Honey Raven on youtube and she was talking about some books she got and I thought you know I am going to look into these and I showed them to my hubby, and he bought them for me, I finished Psychopath Free in two days and I must say, Bravo, Bravo.  I never knew the reason why I stayed for so long, I never figured out how I got sucked into being with that person and all the little ways and things that person would do to tear away who I was and mold me into what they wanted.  I have been crying the past few days, as I am ready to heal and opened up the wounds and brought the memories to the surface that I kept tucked away in my mind somewhere.  I am emotionally drained right now and have been sleeping a lot and kind of hiding away.  

It's also raining right now has been for the last four days, I am about to build an ark ya'll and I also noticed the roof here in my spare room/office is leaking so yay another thing to deal with on top of that the starter in the car went out as well as the radiator leaking, but that is fixed, now I need to call landlord and tell him about the leaking roof as soon as this rain lets up on Wed. Sorry got off track with my thoughts and am just typing out whatever is in my head.  Also, offer up blessings, thoughts, well wishes for my hubby he has to have eye surgery end of this month for cataracts. 

I am also in a magical slump and don't know how to get out of it, I may go back to the basics and just start reading the books I got when I first started walking the witchy/Wiccan path. Rededicate myself to Danu, The Morrigan, Hecate, and The Horned God. 

So Just thought I would check in, give an update check to see how you all are doing and let you know I am learning to heal and be me again and figuring out a way to overcome this magickal slump. 

Update

HI All, 
I haven't posted in a while as things haven't been great for me mentally, I haven't felt like getting out of bed and my sleep is way off, I don't go to bed until five or six am in the morning and then sleep until two or three pm. I am in a downward spiral right now. I haven't felt like leaving the house nor really doing anything, today was the first day in a long time I have felt like sitting up and coming out of my room. I have lost a total of 59 pounds so far, I actually gained back eight of the 60 and then lost seven of it. So one more to go and I'll be at sixty.  Hubby bought me a motivator, to keep me on track with working out and eating and such. 





I have always wanted one and finally got it the catch is I have to loose forty two more pounds to get it. So yeah when I don't feel like working out, I say Kate Spade bag..It hasn't arrived yet, I cannot wait until it does, I wanted it in red, which they had at one time, but hubby waited until the last moment to order it.  As this one was on sale. It's nylon and not leather, which as it will be easier to clean. I'll save up later and order handbag in red.  I am also loving the Jeffree Star lipsticks, they last a long time and are almost hard to wipe off, I found that coconut oil works well in getting it off, so if you want a long last lip color and vegan and cruelty free as well as good business ethics buy from Jeffree Star.  I cannot believe it's almost Yule again, Time does fly.  I hope you are all well, I'll try to do a post about Yule next time and oh I am loving my book of shadows still, that I got from Country Pine cones on etsy.  I am thinking of ordering another one, but not in the double book style like on practical magic. I really need to start filling it again. Oh so my friend I talk about in my back burner post I haven't seen her in a long time, we sometimes chat via text, but as far as getting together yeah doesn't happen. Ah well...I am so done with all of it. 

Backburner Friend

Hey Y'all, Does anyone ever feel like what's in the picture above? If you don't know what a back burner friend is then let me tell you. A back burner friend is that friend who another friend won't contact or hang out with until they have no one else to talk to or have nothing to do, then suddenly they remember oh, I have back burner friend I can count on to answer or hang out when I am ready for them. Once non back burner friend has places to go and things to do you are put on the back burner once again.  

See I have a friend like this, if she is busy with other people or has plans, I don't hear from her for days or weeks, until suddenly, you guessed it, she remembers that I exist.  She'll text me and find out how I am doing. We try to make plans, I have canceled on her a few times due to my issues, and she has on me as well that is understandable, however, when I do text her about getting together, she has to check her calendar and pencil me in, and if I am lucky I get a morning spot for an hour or two because she might have plans later in the afternoon or right after my time is up, Really?! You can't make one whole day for me? See with me and her,she has to get back to me when she is free. We have never gone to the movies together, I have yet to meet her boyfriend, whom she has been dating for awhile, I have even suggested and asked that she, her boyfriend, I and my hubby get together and have dinner someplace, she tells me oh that sounds great we need to do that, I ask okay talk to boyfriend and you two come up with a date and time and let me know never hear back from her, I have asked and suggested a few times, I also have yet to really meet her friend of 20 some years, I think I got to say hello briefly to her other friend, but yet we three have never hung out together and have a movie, pizza night, and I have asked her on several occasions to come over to my house on the days that hubby is out late  having dinner with his mom, which as he does every Tuesday night, or on the day once a month when he goes to his friend's house for dinner, she never comes over or tells me she can't. See I feel like I am being taken for granted, now mind you all, I can text her, but see I don't like doing that when people are working, see I feel if you're at work then you shouldn't be messing with your phone unless it's on your own time. You say well text her and let her answer you at lunch problem is she has her phone by her or near her at her desk, oh and another thing when she and I do get together she is messing with her phone, texting, or checking things or calling other people or talking to someone else, I feel that that is just plain rude. Anyway I feel that she feels or knows that oh Tracy will be around when I have nothing else to do or don't have anyone else to hang out with and Tracy will be willing to hang out. My husband has asked me why do you have her in your life if she is treating you that way and hardly has time for you? Good question, I am starting to wonder that myself, you see this girl is getting tired of being a back burner friend. 

Not A Witch?

Hello and Merry Meet Everyone, Today I want to talk about something that riled me up. I won't mention names but I had someone say on facebook, oh it's that time of year again when everyone claims to be a witch. I read the comments and this person is saying she is from a long bloodline and a high priestess and that those that weren't from a bloodline wasn't really a witch.  I was like hold on back up, I said I wasn't born from a long bloodline, but I consider myself a witch, because I put in hours and hours of study, and practice and I have faith in the craft and faith in myself, am I there yet that she claims she is hell no, it takes years and years and many hours of study and practice to get there, and this girl didn't look like she was out of her 20s yet and claiming to be a high priestess, anyho, I went on to say you don't have to be from a long bloodline to be a witch you just have to put in the time effort and study work and belief in yourself and it can take years, she replied back to me, any mundane (what are we Harry Potter Characters?) can read a couple of books and call themselves witches but that doesn't make them one, she is like I can work with energy and do magic. I said saying that you have to be from a long bloodline to be a witch would be like saying you can't be a college graduate unless you come from a long line of college graduates. She kept going on and on, so I had to delete her ya'll. See what she don't know, I was actually called by The Morrigan, I didn't seek her out she came to me and said I want you, you will walk this path. Also what this person didn't know or didn't even ask, is that I do work with energy, I am also an empath and a bit psychic, also my husband was sitting right here when the Morrigan came to me and he was like stunned as he felt a big energy charge in the air at the moment I started crying yeah I cried when she came to me, as I was torn about choosing to turn away from the Church I was raised in and seeking a new path at the time when Morrigan came to me I was thinking of becoming Catholic. So do you have to be born from a bloodline? No,I feel you do not..I feel as long as you put the work, time, effort, and study and have faith in yourself, and don't doubt and faith in the Craft then you are a witch. Now please don't take this as I am bashing those that have a long bloodline of witches in their family, I am not, but It just riles me up when there are those out there, that you know aren't old enough to be all powerful and a high priestess to boot, and I have seen a lot that call themselves highpriest or priestess and have only read a few books and didn't put the time and effort into the work, I don't dare call myself one even though I have been in almost four years of study, I am not even close. I may never get there. I know a high priestess an actual one, it took her 25 years of work, study and testing, by another high priestess, to become one. So no my dears you don't have to be from a long blood line to be a witch. 

Learning To Stand Again

Merry Meet All,
I know it's been awhile. So I am now down to 326 pounds I believe, I will weigh tomorrow. If that is the case then I have lost a total of 60 pounds. My darling husband just bought me a standing desk converter, what this does it sits on your current desk and you can raise it up and down to go from sitting to standing.  I have really let my body go, I used to be able to stand for hours and now I can hardly stand at all, so today when my desk got here, I started standing every thirty mins for five mins at a time. I am not going to get discouraged, I am going to take it one day at a time. Yesterday I did a 20 min ddp yoga session, I did 30 squats while holding five pound weights in each hand, and then worked out my arms with said weights. I am determined to get rid of at least forty more pounds, to hit my goal of 100 pounds, I also have a goal to start walking again like I did when we lived at the beach and walked the boardwalk three miles a night.  It's so easy to put the weight on and so hard to get off, but this time, I am determined, I have cut out a lot of sodium and now working on cutting out a lot of sugar.  I am also slowly cutting out red meat and am going to try to the Beyond Meat, Beyond Burger product. If you are struggling to loose weight and feel like you can't do it or don't know how to start, well start by cutting sodium down, it may seem hard, but it's not, I make my own taco seasoning, I make my own pasta sauce, not hard at all I just experiment with spices. Like 21 season salute, from Trader Joe's or an all season blend from Costco, I use whole tomatoes when I make my pasta sauce, I just put them in the blender with spices and a bit of water and then just blend it and heat it, it is very good. If you can't hardly walk or get up, I recommend DDP Yoga I'll add the link https://www.ddpyoganow.com/ 
I am telling you this works, about two years ago I could hardly stand due to lower back and hip pain, I was doubled over in pain in the shower, I was about to give up thinking I was going to end up in a wheel chair, I saw this video https://vimeo.com/150671078 
and I was like I am going to order this dvd set, my husband got it for me, I started out with the chair warrior, doing 16 mins a day, I thought to myself, this is not going to work. Then I watched the video again and again and again, and  I kept at the DDP, I started dropping weight, I started to be able to walk a bit without pain, I now no longer have the back pain or the hip pain, I do admit that I did slack off starting in April as I went through a health issue and major depression but now I am back at it, and if I can do this, you can do this, I started cutting sodium, I starting eating smaller portions, started cutting out a lot of red meat, going meatless two days a week, drinking fruit smoothies, I don't miss the salt and trust me I used to be salt freak. Salt on everything, when I went low sodium after a month, I started tasting flavors the actual food, I can now say things have way too much salt in them, like french fries, I still eat fries, a small, I still get a cheeseburger, I still eat ice cream, I still eat pizza, cauliflower crust pizza from Trader Joes, or Costco, I make homemade mac and cheese, I eat potatoes, but I go low sodium, and smaller portions. You have to figure out what works for you, there is no easy solution and no quick fix, it's all up to you, I tell myself if I don't do this I am doing to die sooner than what I should be. I got my blood pressure down at last check from 151/96 to 138/87. I also drink more water, 80-120 ounces a day, I do still drink coke zero, I have one a day, sometimes one a week, it all depends on what I want to do, you don't have to deny yourself, or starve yourself. I am also getting a fitbit charge 3 for Christmas that is what I asked hubby to get me, I am loving my instapot, made a pot roast in it that was so tender it was falling apart and only in 30 mins. Baby steps, start out small, have faith in yourself and the wanting to do it. If you need help please ask me if you need support contact me here is my facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100010708119100&ref=bookmarks 
When you ask for a friend request send me a message that you found me via my blog. 

So I just wanted to check in with you, and let you know I am learning to stand again. Blessed Be, Everyone.

Finally Found The One!

Hey all, 
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, I have so much to catch up on and so much I want to blog about. So I finally got my book of shadows and let me tell you I found the one, I love love love my new book I got it from this place https://www.etsy.com/shop/CountryPinecones?ref=l2-shopheader-name 

She does excellent work and is a real sweet heart, I will be ordering another book from her. 

 The picture of the cover does not do it justice, in the light you can see a pattern of what looks like ivy and flowers and it really pops, you can get the book blank or filled with information in it already as well as get something on the cover I choose to have a blank cover, it's about 1400 pages front and back.

The paper is from an antique paper mill and good quality. Ya'll I showed this book to my mother-in-law, she thought it was 100 years old! yes the book looks like it has been passed down from Great-Grandmother to Grandmother to Mother to daughter, if you get my meaning. The book took about two weeks to arrive, some of them take about three weeks.

The clasps I picked out, it normally comes with a latch and book locks, I wouldn't go with the book locks and the latches that I have in the picture sometimes do not want to stay closed. I hope you are all doing well. This heat is killing me ya'll, there I go channeling Ember again, I am from the midwest, Missouri and we tend to say Ya'll. I just ordered https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764354922/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qaw08pU8yCM here is a link to Ember's review on this deck. Amazing I cannot wait to get it. I also just got these in




https://www.etsy.com/shop/AeonMoon?ref=l2-shopheader-name
Beautiful rune set and natural oak wood. 

 
I recommend this shop if you are wanting natural wood witches runes, they gather the wood themselves from the ground when a branch falls, they do not cut the tree at all to get the branches. That is why I picked this shop to buy my witch's runes from. It does come with a booklet, a rune pouch does not come with it, but you can buy one from their shop. 
Sorry for the long blog post but I wanted to show you all what I got and what I have coming in. Take care blessed be.