Hello Depression My Old Friend.

 So you know how most people can just jump out of bed feeling energized and hit the gym and get breakfast and run a million errands and hang out with friends? That should be a normal thing, right? That is unless you have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. See here is how I wish my days would go: Get up at a decent time around 8am-9am, shower, brush my hair, cleanse my face, work out, grab a smoothie, spend time at my altar, write a blog post, clean the house, fix lunch, meditate, do a youtube video and upload it, do a book of shadows page, work on the book that I have been writing for ten years but keep putting it aside, make dinner, do the dishes, go for a walk, read, have sex with my husband and fall asleep around 11.

In reality this is my day: Wake up at 2 am, go pee, give the pets treats, crawl back into bed, grab my chrome book, check facebook, email, instagram, watch youtube to zone out, tell myself okay one more video as it's helping my mind rest for a moment and keeps the anxiety and depression at bay and makes me forget I have depression for one more day, as it turns off my thoughts, glance at the clock and tell myself I should eat and drink some water, drag myself out of bed into the kitchen, grab a coke zero and make a sandwich, go back to my room and crawl into bed, click another youtube video to get out of my head as I eat...stare at my water container thinking yeah I should really drink some water, yell hello to my husband as he wanders into the living room, tell him I am okay and I am fine, but inside it's a lie, check facebook again, email, and instagram, Sighs wishing I could get motivated and be like those who have a plan and stick with it and loose the weight, get inspired by a person that was once like me, overweight and depressed and now is looking their best and feeling their best, if they can do it so can I, I jump up grab a notebook and a pen and start to make a plan, I'll meal prep and plan, I'll work out, I'll start eating healthy, I'll start going out, I'll start tomorrow, feeling energized and happy that I jotted down my plan I put my notebook down and watch youtube again, I tell myself I need to eat, it's been hours since that sandwich, groans as I have to drag myself out of bed and go prep something goes back to watching youtube wishing I was a domestic goddess like that youtuber who has ten kids, and meal preps for all week, and shops for groceries and cleans her house, while homeschooling her kids (I hate that bitch)

. 7pm I get food, 8pm I am out like a light, two am I am wide awake, forgetting all about or not wanting to remember my one brief moment of inspiration and motivation, what was I thinking I must have been nuts, telling myself I can start tomorrow,  I grab my chromebook and start again as the depression monster whispers so we meet again. 

(picture credit Sow Ay https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)