I'm Trying My Best and That's All I Can Do.

 

Yeah so it's been one of those weeks, you know those weeks where you have every intention of starting those goals you set for yourself, or you mean to get back to them, but life comes in like Mike Tyson throwing the old knockout punches. Yeah that's what this week has been like for me. I am trying to figure out where the hell I want to be in this game of life and trying to figure out who I want to be or what I want to be, the idea me would be someone who gets up every morning and is perky, gets their bed made, meditates, works out, makes a healthy breakfast, cleans up the house and then spends all day reading or working on that book I keep saying I am writing, I am writing a book and I have made some progress on it, but anyway that's a whole other story.  Right now I stay up until three am either reading, or playing Dreamlight Valley on the Macbook, or doing both then listening to Critical Role, and fall asleep to that playing then I'll wake up at noon or one pm, get out of bed, grab my water bottles and fill them then back to go crawl into bed and just stare at the screen or I'll read or listen to Critical Role while playing Dream Light Valley, while telling myself yeah I'll set my timer and then do some stretches or bed exercises or walk a few laps in the house and then I go back to being a slug. While this little guy keeps me company 

That's an old picture of Mozzie,  he is going to be turning 2 in July. Don't get me wrong I have exercised and I did meditate and I have lost 17 pounds but yeah I slacked off big time. I keep telling myself I'll get back to it and I will. I did sit down and have a stern yet have a gentle talking to myself. I asked myself why am I hanging on to the trauma of the past? Why am I allowing my estranged dad to live rent free in my head? Why is it hard for me to put me first and stop worrying about and checking on others?  It's almost five pm and I have been awake for for four hours, the only thing I have done so far was to fill up my water, write a journal entry in my journal, make vegetable beef soup, that is cooking now, and write this blog post and order grocery delivery for tomorrow.  I know I know you are saying well that is a lot, for me it isn't, I want to go back to sleep, I haven't worked out, I haven't meditated, I wanted to start getting back to being witchy, I didn't even do anything for Ostara, which is the Pagan "Easter" and was on March 20th, I have plans to organize my books and start a TBR jar of my unread books, I am doing six reading challenges and am about to give up and just read what I want to read or do the TBR jar and pull out reads. I want to read a lot more and become more bookwormish. So why can't I do all those things, I know I can, but my mind and this mental block, my unhealed inner child are all tugging on me going hey, don't forget us, you need to put us first, oh and did I mention my spoon counter is like uh you're out of spoons. I still have to change the sheets on my bed. You know right now  is a good time to step back and take a deep breath and drink some water, and eat some soup and tell myself, there is always tomorrow, "I'm trying my best and that's all I can do.