Happy Fucking Birthday To Me.

 

Yep, I know you don't have to say it, it's been a year since my last post, yeah I know I did say I was going to try to be more consistent..I am not going to make up any excuses, nope the truth is..I've been in a bad depressive episode, so bad in fact that I don't want to get out of bed and the only time I do, is to play Disney Dream light Valley for hours on end then crawl my ass back to bed.  Sometimes I only get up to go pee and then crawl back into bed, where I grab my Macbook and play Dream Light Valley, I also read, I read 11 books in Jan, and only four, maybe five, hell I don't remember in Feb.  Anyway yeah depression sucks and all and you'll have people tell you,oh you just have to find some reason  to get up and get out of bed, or you just have to push through and not let it keep you in bed, well fuck that, no you don't the only thing you need to do is focus on you, if you want to stay in bed then do it, if the only thing you can manage is to get up to go pee and maybe brush your teeth and run a wet washcloth over certain body parts to feel clean and swipe something on so your armpits don't stink then so be it, and even if that is too much then so be it.  I turned 52 yesterday, it felt just like any other day for me, I didn't even feel like celebrating, my husband spent part of the day at his mom's, I woke up thinking he would have thought to have gone out before I woke up, went to the store got me a balloon, some flowers and a card he spent time picking out and maybe writing a sweet message in...nope nothing. Though I can't complain he gave me money to buy books, and I did have to make my own cupcakes and prep the other stuff, I just wanted not to have had planned anything out, and you know and have someone make my cupcakes and surprised me, and maybe remembered what take out food was my favorite and went and got it instead of me having to say hey...why don't you go pick up such and such from such and such place, it would have been nice to have been surprised with it...so then when he got home, we ate, turned on a movie and we were watching it, had just 45 mins left, he gets up and says I am done, I was like what, he goes I am tired and am going to bed..I was like okay we have maybe 45 mins left.he turns off the movie and says goodnight and goes to bed, I am like okay...so I only got an hour spent with him at the most..on my birthday...even though I wasn't feeling it and feeling emotional, due to missing my mom, I was making an effort, was I laughing at the comedy, nope as certain subjects in that movie I didn't find funny, if you've ever seen The Dictator Unrated Version, you'll know what I am talking about....that's not even the movie I wanted to see, he picked it not me, so after he went to bed, I went to my room and vegged out with Critical Role, played Dream Light Valley, and read. I do want to thank someone I met on an online app, who has become a great and dear friend, she sent me a birthday card it was so sweet and kind, I haven't gotten a birthday card in years, Kaley, thank you so much!! It meant so much to me, even my own family never calls or sends one, one of my aunts out of my whole family was the only one to send me a happy birthday message on Facebook, because of the hey so and so's birthday is today, wish them a happy birthday, if that didn't pop up I don't think anyone would have said anything at all. That is okay actually, the whole point I am making with this, what seems like I am complaining, I am not, I wanted to say if no one celebrates your day, celebrate yourself, throw yourself a party, I did by making my own cupcakes, telling him what I wanted to eat, picking out my own books with my money he and my mother in law gave me, I just might wrap those suckers when they get here and then have the pleasure of ripping them open, buy those flowers and balloons and pick out your own card, as I said celebrate yourself. I ended the day by lounging in bed, feeling relaxed and yeah a bit emotional, as it will be two years almost since my mom died, watching Critical Role, and playing a game I love a lot, and that is how I spent my birthday celebrating myself, so happy fucking birthday to me and to you, whatever day it maybe, if I can find the recipe I used, I'll edit this post and add it in so you can make the same ones, they are dense, and not to sweet.