The sun is shining today and it's warm, I can hear the birds singing, which normally I would be happy about, but today all I want to do is stay in bed. I am struggling today with my bipolar depression and feeling of worthlessness. I have so much to do that I have put off but don't have the motivation to get anything done. I am also feeling myself slipping into my manic phase which means I'll have to lock up my credit cards. I tend to buy a lot of books when I am manic as well as pens and journals.
I had one more chat with the "friend" I cut off, telling her once again why I cut her off, she kept telling me if I responded to her texts then that means I want to work on our friendship, I told her you do not get to give me an ultimatum that I was only responding to the text that I left on read, and that I wished no further contact from her and asked her to stop texting me, she kept doing it. Then she tried to put the blame on me and bringing up things from the past and telling me that she didn't tell me the whole story of that "crazy friend". This is what narcissists do they turn the blame on you, don't accept that it is them that causes the issues and will try to play the pity me game and say "well you do this to and I always did this for you and this and I never brought up any of the things you did, I would never do this and this ." I am glad I broke ties with her and wish I had been this strong and sticking to my guns and boundaries ages ago when broke ties once before.
I am also struggling to redefine myself, the person that I was once back in the state that I moved from is no longer who I am. I am trying to get on a routine work on taking it one day at a time, trying not to stress about things in my life I cannot control as well as feeling like the house and myself have to be perfect, as well as trying to find a way to deal with eating anxiety, I have been diagnosed with having an eating disorder, I am borderline anorexic, even though I am overweight. Yes that is a thing due to the fact I restrict my eating, and I am living on 800-1000 calories a day and I get anxious when I have to to eat or even thinking about what to make for meals when I eat, I grab what is quickest and on hand right now, which is not very healthy and a lot of carbs and I stay in bed most of the time and not really exercise.
I am also feel like I am just existing. I want to do more with my life than what I am doing now, but I am not sure what I want or what to do. I want to travel, but now with COVID going on, and me still having a fear of flying even though I have done it twice from Missouri to California, I still am scared to fly. I also have books I want to finish writing or even start writing I am beginning to feel like George R.R. Martin , takes about ten years to write a book.
I really need to get out of this mindset I am in and get through this sewer I am crawling through like an inchworm.
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