Going To Hell?

I just came out of the broom closet about eight months ago. I have been told by some people that I was going to hell and that I was crazy to believe there is another God/Goddess besides the Christian God.  That I should be celebrating Christian Holidays, as I was raised Southern Baptist and how could I turn my back on the way I was raised, that it's just a phase I am going through as this is a new age religion,  So let's address this, for one I do not believe anymore that I am going to go to hell, I do not believe in the concept of hell or Satan.  Other Gods/Goddesses, Long before Jesus was born, people were worshiping other Gods/Goddesses, it was God himself that said thou shalt have no other Gods before me, so for me he is saying yep there are other Gods but you must worship only me. As for the Christian Holidays, well those are pagan holidays, Christmas=Yule, Easter= Ostara, Halloween=Samhain, Mabon=Thanksgiving, etc. New Age religion?  Nope not new, witchcraft and the craft has been around long before Christianity, it has always been around, we just had to hide or face another burning times and Salem. Wicca, has been around since the fifties, I believe, so yes it is fairly new, however, I consider myself wiccan/witch, I try to follow both,.  I never turned my back, I always felt like something was missing when I would sit in church, I also did not like how there was a lot of back stabbing, gossiping, and "You're going to hell if you do this and this "., etc. When I got the calling from my Goddess and I made that decision to answer and to obey, I felt at such peace, I felt like I came home. Another reason, Wiccans have more respect for each other than any I have ever seen, we go out of our way to help those that we can, Also, this is the only religion that I have seen that does not commit murder in the name of their God. 

Feeling Blessed

I feel so blessed today.  I am meeting a lot of new people on face book, who are very accepting of my beliefs as they hold the same ones or almost the same ones.  I have a wonderful husband, three wonderful fur babies, a place to live and food on my table.  The other day I was gripping about having to do the dishes, I just wanted to read and or play world of warcraft , and I was like hey, No I am grateful I have dishes to do with most don't, I am grateful for the floors that I have to sweep and I am grateful for the bathroom I have to clean.  

As I sit and listen to the birds outside and the sun shining I am grateful to be alive and accepted by my Goddesses and God, Danu, Morrigan, Cernunnos. I haven't felt this much peace in a long time since I started my journey. You see,not long ago I tried to kill myself, I had reached that point to where I couldn't fight anymore, I didn't have the strength.  I sat in my bathroom with three bottles of Trazodone, Zoloft and Tylenol PM and had them opened and dumped in my hand and up to my mouth. That's when I heard a voice say, I am your mother, it is not your time yet, I claim you and will teach you to walk the path.  Thank you my Divine Mother for my life. 

I Had Damn Well Better Listen.

So for the past few days if not weeks, I have been meditating every morning.  Asking God and Goddess to hear my call. Today Morrigan came through and claimed me.  She spoke to me.  I felt released all the burdens I have been carrying all the emotional scars that I had been holding on to seemed to have washed away.  My husband can attest to the fact that I had tears slipping down my face, I went into a meditative state, eyes closed head bowed.  I could see her and I could hear her.  Energy flowed through me, so much that my husband said he could feel it.  I cannot say what she said to me but I had better damn well listen and obey. She is a demanding Goddess, full of love and protection, but she can also be harsh if not followed or if we don't listen.

Baby Steps

Good morning!, It is a lovely spring day outside.  I am now on day 22 of my year and a day and have been working on getting things jotted down that I want to put into my book of shadows when it arrives.  Today I want to talk about being an overweight person.  I am currently 350 lbs, I can hear some of you saying put the fork down, actually in my case it's not the fork that made me this way, I do not hardly eat, I skip breakfast, sometimes even lunch and have dinner, most days I eat three meals a day, and not huge portions either, my problem is not eating enough, and not exercising.  I also used to drink a lot of sugary sodas, and southern sweet tea, now I drink coke zero, which as I have cut way down and I used two packs of sweet in low in my tea, working on cutting that down to one and hopefully soon none.  Oh and I don't eat a lot of vegetables or fruit. 

It is hard for someone my size to do things, and I feel like I am 60 instead of 43.  I am also tired of people staring and not finding clothing that fits right.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and my vitals were taken my blood pressure was up from last time.  

As a wiccan if we don't honor our selves, our bodies, we don't honor the god and goddess, so today I got up and went outside, walked from our gate to the wall that is in the back of our apartment building I did this three times and it felt great, I know it wasn't a lot but hey when you haven't worked out or did a lot of moving it felt like I won a marathon.  Before I moved here to San Diego, I was working out for an hour using the wii, I was riding my stationary bike for 30mins, I was using weights to work out my arms and walking for 20 to 30 mins a day plus eating more fruit and such.  I really need to get back into that, I keep telling myself that when my husband and I get a bigger house, right now we live in a small apartment that should be considered just for one person., anyho, I can't keep using that excuse for not doing it.  So as I said today I started doing something, it's not much, but to even start anything you must first take baby steps.  

  

Itchy To Be Witchy

Today the sun is shining and the weather is about 70-75 outside, spring is almost upon us as well as Ostara, I plan on decorating my altar this year as this will be the first year of my study and journey of the Craft, while I am waiting on my BOS (book of shadows) I started a mock one, putting all my information into it arranging it how I want it and what information I want in it, I won't decorate any of the pages as I will be saving that part for my real BOS.  I worked on my dedication last night and it was an emotional one for me.  I am also wishing that I had a flower garden to work in or lived in an area that got more rain than what we do here in San Diego.  I am wanting to feel the Earth in my fingers and planting things.  I am definitely a green witch.  I would also like to find two or three other women that are into the craft and get to know them and hang out with them, creating a great friendship.  My fingers are itching to start writing spells and jotting down information and to get into the Earth feeling it under my fingers.  My mouth is ready to chant and body is ready to soak up the sun and moonlight.  Yes Can't you tell I am Itchy to be Witchy.  I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Blessed Be. 

That Little Trip Called Guilt.

I spoke to my dad today and he keeps laying the guilt trip on me about when I am going to come home to see them.  For one , when I moved here to California, I had no intention of ever going home or even speaking to him again.  He and I have a very rocky relationship and did not get along at all.  It was always tense around him and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells.  So anyway today he asked me again, I said well if I could afford it I would come home the ticket is close to seven hundred dollars and up to 1000.  He says to me I guess we'll never see you again, I said I guess not.  He gets huffy with me and tells me he has to go.  People think I am cruel for not going home, my mom has alzhimers and I spoke to her before I moved, before she got worse and she did tell me that she wants me to be happy and not to come home no matter how bad she got, she didn't want me to see her that way. You see, I would have had the money, I got a lot on my back pay for my disability, but I spent that by paying their rent and buying food for them and paying their electric bill.  Even paying taxes on a trailer they were going to buy from someone in Indiana, who ended up taking their money. Also if I don't call for a week , he will call me and goes why can't you call, well because the phone works both ways, he only calls when he needs something or wants something, never just to ask if I am okay.    I have to deal with my own problems here.  My therapist and I are concerned I may have a set back if I go home.  I am doing so much better here.  I cannot deal with this today or any day.  I am not going to take that little trip called guilt  not today and not any day. 

 

I also got word about my Book of Shadows that I mentioned in another post, the creator of my book got sent the wrong butterfly, so now they have to wait for the right one to get sent, which could take a awhile as the seller of said butterfly has to wait until some mature, so now my book is being delayed and since they have to catch up on the books before mine, mine isn't going to get done until the end of May now, when I was told that mine would be done in 12 weeks, and all my stuff for my book was in and she was working on the binding in February.  So I am a little bummed about that, but am glad they didn't settle for the one sent to them.  

Birthdays and Blues.

I turned 43 years old on the second of March.  I really don't feel any different.  I can remember how excited I used to get at it being my day.  I guess as we get older, or at least I think, that we tend to loose that.  I realize there are a lot of things we tend to loose as we get older, the wonder of the day, the joy of seeing a rain puddle and splashing in it.  Christmas morning, to me, now being a wiccan, I celebrate Yule, but before my journey into the Craft, I did celebrate Christmas and used to get so excited about it.  Even Halloween or Samhain used to be a great excitement in my life.  

Why do adults loose that, is it because we are told that when we reach a certain age that we are adults now and must act like adults, and don't go splashing in the rain puddles because the neighbors might look at you strangely?   Right now it's raining outside and chilly.  I can remember on warm summer days when the rain would fall, I would be right outside playing in it splashing in every puddle I could find.  Loving the joy and wonder that the world has/had to offer.  A lot of us get so caught up in our busy lives that we forgot how to live it.  We loose ourselves and we loose our friends.  I caught myself remembering how , when I was younger, I lived in a small town, I can remember neighbors sitting on their porches, and chatting with each other, I can remember seeing ladies standing at the fence that connected their backyards and just chatting, people waving at you as you walked down the street, the excitement and anticipation of waiting for my best friends letter to arrive in the mailbox and hurrying up to send a reply, now it's done by email, to me that just feels so impersonal and cold.  

I remember going out on summer nights and chasing lightening bugs and drinking out of the garden hose, and gazing up at the stars while laying on my back on the ground.  A lot of kids now days do not know what that is like.  

I did feel a little blue on my birthday, as I remembered all the ones before when I was a kid.  Maybe I should go out this summer and chase lightening bugs and gaze at the stars once more..