Hello and Merry Meet,
I am sorry I didn't get around to doing a post about Beltane, I will make that up in the next post. I am going to start posting more witchy/Wiccan things on my blog. I had a head cold and then got hit with two major panic attacks last week and then one on Sunday and then one last night. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, if I had any. I know in a few blogs I talked about depression and anxiety and panic attacks. People have asked me to describe it and it is hard too do so as everyone is different. Mine starts with a feeling of worry that builds up and then my stomach starts to jump as if someone is shocking me with a cattle prod and then I can feel my body start to shake, my hands shake, I feel like I can't catch my breath, my heart starts pounding, my body starts tensing up and my muscles clench, I start to go into a flight mode where I feel like I need to run and get somewhere safe. I start to cry, my body is tense but shaking, I start to pace. I start to babble "Help, Help, Help" It lasts for maybe an hour or so and then when I start to come down, I am tried, I am crying, my muscles hurt, my jaw hurts, I am so exhausted I just want to sleep and cuddle up next to my husband. When I have depression, I don't want to eat, I don't want to shower, I don't want to do anything but stay in bed, It feels like I am worthless, I feel like nothing is ever going to get better, I can't function I can't think clearly.
I also have OCD, Bi Polar and PTSD, as well as Agoraphobia. There are times where I cannot leave the house, even the thought of going and sitting outside, stresses me out. It is horrible that I cannot function on days like this. I miss being able to go to the library and to the store and shopping. I do all my shopping online and then my husband does the grocery shopping and sometimes the laundry.
People tell me I need to overcome it, to not let it win, to get over it, yes get over it. I wish people would understand that it isn't as easy as they think it is, everyone, at some point does have bouts of depression theirs tend to go away, for people that have Major Depressive Disorder, it doesn't go away, it can be helped with medications but it never goes away, neither does PTSD, OCD and Panic and Anxiety attacks, we may be fine for a year or more and then BAM!!! It hits out of the blue. For people like me, we do struggle every day to function, we do try to keep in check and we do try to have a normal life, we also tend to hide it and hide how we are feeling until it gets build up- so much that we "explode". I get tired of taking meds and tired of worrying that I am going to have a melt down, as I call my panic attacks, in public, it is embarrassing, and can be scary. For those of you that have a loved one or friend dealing with this, all I can say is, please stop telling them to get over it, please stop telling them don't let it control you, but instead tell them I am here for you, how can I help? We would love to be able to get over it and overcome it, but it is a long hard process. Trust me none of us wants to be this way.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Friday, April 28, 2017
It Is Okay To Say No!
Merry Meet All,
Is it or is it not okay to say no? When I was living in Missouri, I did have a few friends and I was the yes girl, every time a friend or a coworker at work needed or wanted help I was there, I was the first one to volunteer I was the last one to leave any place or gathering as I helped clean up or helped with what ever, I was always the first to arrive to help get things ready. I was constantly doing this, even though I had things of my own to do and needed to take care of my own stuff, I was afraid to look selfish or to let anyone down or have people be mad at me. It got to the point that I was neglecting myself, neglecting my emotional and mental well being. If I started to say no I would feel guilty, or if I did say no, I would regret it and tell that person okay I'll be there I'll help you. I never asked for anything in return. I never asked for help from anyone. In February of 2011 my fiancee, now husband, asked me to move to San Diego to be with him, of course I said yes, I knew I had only a few months to get things done as he wanted me there the first of April. So I would go to work come home pack a few boxes and relax, on my days off I ran errands and came home and packed and starting cleaning, I was on a time crunch as well. I didn't ask anyone for help. I didn't want to bother anyone. I was also still that yes girl, I came to San Diego, I started to go to therapy, it took awhile, but we hit on the Yes Girl or Guy mentality, I was shocked what my therapist told me, It's okay to say no, it's okay to live for yourself, it's okay to give when you want to, but just remember to take care of you and live for you. It's okay if people get mad at you , stick to what you feel. There are emotional vampires out there and people that will make you feel guilty or feel at fault, and that is okay as well, but you have to learn to stand your ground and say no. So if you are like how I was, take a deep breath and just say no, it may be hard to do at first, but trust me, it will get better, and if that person you are saying no to makes you feel guilty and feel bad then that person isn't being a good friend.
Another question I have or something I want to touch on.
I always thought a friend was someone that you did things with, such as shopping, going out to lunch, meeting for drinks, chatting on the phone, building each other up, supporting each other, going to the movies together, gladly introducing you to their best friends, and that special someone in their lives, perhaps double dating with special someone and your special someone, am I right?
What if that person never invites you out to lunch or to dinner, never invites you to the movies, never says hey let's get together for a drink, never wants you to have a girls night with their bestie or even meet that special someone in their life, even though you have extended the invitation yourself and they decline, but yet they themselves have done those same things with other friends. Is that a friend also?
Is it or is it not okay to say no? When I was living in Missouri, I did have a few friends and I was the yes girl, every time a friend or a coworker at work needed or wanted help I was there, I was the first one to volunteer I was the last one to leave any place or gathering as I helped clean up or helped with what ever, I was always the first to arrive to help get things ready. I was constantly doing this, even though I had things of my own to do and needed to take care of my own stuff, I was afraid to look selfish or to let anyone down or have people be mad at me. It got to the point that I was neglecting myself, neglecting my emotional and mental well being. If I started to say no I would feel guilty, or if I did say no, I would regret it and tell that person okay I'll be there I'll help you. I never asked for anything in return. I never asked for help from anyone. In February of 2011 my fiancee, now husband, asked me to move to San Diego to be with him, of course I said yes, I knew I had only a few months to get things done as he wanted me there the first of April. So I would go to work come home pack a few boxes and relax, on my days off I ran errands and came home and packed and starting cleaning, I was on a time crunch as well. I didn't ask anyone for help. I didn't want to bother anyone. I was also still that yes girl, I came to San Diego, I started to go to therapy, it took awhile, but we hit on the Yes Girl or Guy mentality, I was shocked what my therapist told me, It's okay to say no, it's okay to live for yourself, it's okay to give when you want to, but just remember to take care of you and live for you. It's okay if people get mad at you , stick to what you feel. There are emotional vampires out there and people that will make you feel guilty or feel at fault, and that is okay as well, but you have to learn to stand your ground and say no. So if you are like how I was, take a deep breath and just say no, it may be hard to do at first, but trust me, it will get better, and if that person you are saying no to makes you feel guilty and feel bad then that person isn't being a good friend.
Another question I have or something I want to touch on.
I always thought a friend was someone that you did things with, such as shopping, going out to lunch, meeting for drinks, chatting on the phone, building each other up, supporting each other, going to the movies together, gladly introducing you to their best friends, and that special someone in their lives, perhaps double dating with special someone and your special someone, am I right?
What if that person never invites you out to lunch or to dinner, never invites you to the movies, never says hey let's get together for a drink, never wants you to have a girls night with their bestie or even meet that special someone in their life, even though you have extended the invitation yourself and they decline, but yet they themselves have done those same things with other friends. Is that a friend also?
Sunday, April 23, 2017
A Rant and DDPYoga
Merry Meet and Blessed Be Everyone,
I am in my fifth week of doing DDP Yoga, Five weeks Already?! doesn't seem like it. I am slowly making smarter food choices, we don't go out to eat as often as we used to and I am doing more cooking at home, I am currently up to almost drinking three liters of water a day, I am slowly getting myself away from coke zero and eating sugary snacks, I still do have the occasional ice cream sandwich, I am able to stand up now for most of work out, I have also had three days of being pain free in my back and my knees, I know that getting rid of the weight isn't going to happen over night, You have to take it one pound one day at a time, if I loose three pounds a month I'll be happy, so far that is what I have done, my goal right now is to also try to get in a work out every day, I am up to four days a week now, I am going to try to do them longer each time, I went from five mins to 15-25 mins. That is a big goal for me as I hadn't been doing anything at all. I hate working out and always tried to put it off, or would never do it, but you know what if Arthur Boorman can do it so can I, I will link his youtube video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448 this man has inspired me to keep going, to keep trying to not give up, I am not even going to a gym, I turn on my laptop, go to my dashboard and click on my program, I love how it lets you determine what level you are, right now I am in the limited mobility and doing some of the beginner beginner program. I'll even give you the link to how to sign up for the online access, it's 30.00 bucks a month, some of you are saying oh it's too much, well I bet you spend that much on your starbucks coffee. Am I right? Or that much in a week going out to eat. https://www.ddpyoganow.com/
I am going to weigh in tomorrow and see where I am at
Also another thing I want to touch on, I am friends with someone that never invites me out to go shopping, never invites me out to go to lunch, we never go out to the movies together, I have asked a few times and she says yeah that sounds like a good idea I'll have to check my schedule and get back with you, I remind her again after a few days, oh I haven't checked yet I'll get back to you, then I never hear anything, we go for weeks without texting, I don't like to text her while she is at work as she has a job working in a courthouse, but we do exchange texts sometimes, and she never comes to my house, even though I have invited her several times. The only time I feel, that she wants me around is when she wants me to do something, what I mean by this is that she will say Hey we need girl time, come over I'll buy Chinese and I need to clean how about you sit while I clean or hey maybe you can help me go through things, I am really stressed I have to move soon, my cousin backed out of coming to help me, I am used to it, I said oh I am sorry to hear that, I hear you on that regard I am used to doing things on my own, when I moved from Missouri to San Diego, I had to pack, clean, and such while also holding down a job, I did my packing and cleaning on my days off and a little at night when I got home from work and on the weekends. She goes well I don't ask for anyone to help me as I was hoping that someone, or you would volunteer, normally I would jump and say yes I'll come help you, but it's getting to the point that I feel like I am sitting on the back burner and waiting for her to spend time with me. She goes out with other friends and such, but yet won't invite me, She doesn't want me to meet her friend that she has had for 20 some years, even when I suggested that we all get together and have a movie, pizza night, I have asked her to come to my house several times, and I have asked her to go to the movies, but yet she has some reason why she can't go, but yet she finds time to do things with other people, I haven't even met her boyfriend yet, I have even hinted at she, her boyfriend, my husband and I get together and go out to eat or have a bbq, she doesn't reply or makes up an excuse. I also feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her with what I say and do, then she questioned my past and asked if I was really Native American, yes I am Native American, even though I have brown hair and blue eyes, my birth mother was Native American and European bloodline, her father was full blooded, and her mother was a mix of Native and Irish and Italian, and my father was white, being German, Italian, and Irish. I would never question someone about their past and or where they came from and I would never make them feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me and I would never just put someone on the back burner and use them when It was convenient for me. Is this a Friend or am I wrong.
I am in my fifth week of doing DDP Yoga, Five weeks Already?! doesn't seem like it. I am slowly making smarter food choices, we don't go out to eat as often as we used to and I am doing more cooking at home, I am currently up to almost drinking three liters of water a day, I am slowly getting myself away from coke zero and eating sugary snacks, I still do have the occasional ice cream sandwich, I am able to stand up now for most of work out, I have also had three days of being pain free in my back and my knees, I know that getting rid of the weight isn't going to happen over night, You have to take it one pound one day at a time, if I loose three pounds a month I'll be happy, so far that is what I have done, my goal right now is to also try to get in a work out every day, I am up to four days a week now, I am going to try to do them longer each time, I went from five mins to 15-25 mins. That is a big goal for me as I hadn't been doing anything at all. I hate working out and always tried to put it off, or would never do it, but you know what if Arthur Boorman can do it so can I, I will link his youtube video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448 this man has inspired me to keep going, to keep trying to not give up, I am not even going to a gym, I turn on my laptop, go to my dashboard and click on my program, I love how it lets you determine what level you are, right now I am in the limited mobility and doing some of the beginner beginner program. I'll even give you the link to how to sign up for the online access, it's 30.00 bucks a month, some of you are saying oh it's too much, well I bet you spend that much on your starbucks coffee. Am I right? Or that much in a week going out to eat. https://www.ddpyoganow.com/
I am going to weigh in tomorrow and see where I am at
Also another thing I want to touch on, I am friends with someone that never invites me out to go shopping, never invites me out to go to lunch, we never go out to the movies together, I have asked a few times and she says yeah that sounds like a good idea I'll have to check my schedule and get back with you, I remind her again after a few days, oh I haven't checked yet I'll get back to you, then I never hear anything, we go for weeks without texting, I don't like to text her while she is at work as she has a job working in a courthouse, but we do exchange texts sometimes, and she never comes to my house, even though I have invited her several times. The only time I feel, that she wants me around is when she wants me to do something, what I mean by this is that she will say Hey we need girl time, come over I'll buy Chinese and I need to clean how about you sit while I clean or hey maybe you can help me go through things, I am really stressed I have to move soon, my cousin backed out of coming to help me, I am used to it, I said oh I am sorry to hear that, I hear you on that regard I am used to doing things on my own, when I moved from Missouri to San Diego, I had to pack, clean, and such while also holding down a job, I did my packing and cleaning on my days off and a little at night when I got home from work and on the weekends. She goes well I don't ask for anyone to help me as I was hoping that someone, or you would volunteer, normally I would jump and say yes I'll come help you, but it's getting to the point that I feel like I am sitting on the back burner and waiting for her to spend time with me. She goes out with other friends and such, but yet won't invite me, She doesn't want me to meet her friend that she has had for 20 some years, even when I suggested that we all get together and have a movie, pizza night, I have asked her to come to my house several times, and I have asked her to go to the movies, but yet she has some reason why she can't go, but yet she finds time to do things with other people, I haven't even met her boyfriend yet, I have even hinted at she, her boyfriend, my husband and I get together and go out to eat or have a bbq, she doesn't reply or makes up an excuse. I also feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her with what I say and do, then she questioned my past and asked if I was really Native American, yes I am Native American, even though I have brown hair and blue eyes, my birth mother was Native American and European bloodline, her father was full blooded, and her mother was a mix of Native and Irish and Italian, and my father was white, being German, Italian, and Irish. I would never question someone about their past and or where they came from and I would never make them feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me and I would never just put someone on the back burner and use them when It was convenient for me. Is this a Friend or am I wrong.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Two Weeks In And Feeling Great!
Merry Meet,
I hope you are all doing well. So I didn't get my refund from Paypal they denied it saying it was too long past their file date. So Andria Pettell is getting away with scamming many many people out of hundreds of dollars, but I believe that Karma will come back around to her threefold.
I just finished two weeks of DDP Yoga and I still feel great and motivated. I lost I think about four inches off my waist, I can see my cheekbones now. I can feel the difference of when I work out and don't work out, when I don't work out my joints get stiff and I am in pain, when I do work out I am able to get around better and stand for longer periods of time. I am going to weigh myself next week to see if I have dropped anymore pounds, I lost two my first week. My goal is to average 10 pounds a month. I am hoping that when I get to my goal weight I won't have all that excess skin. If I do I do I'll deal with it, I will not get surgery. If I have to wear layers and spandex I will. :) I didn't think I would be able to do these work outs but I am, I just finished 25 mins. I look forward to working out every day now, I went from sitting in a chair in front of my laptop day after day hardly moving, only getting up to go to the bathroom and to get something to eat. Now I am doing between 17-25 mins of yoga each day, I am doing the limited mobility to start it goes for 13 weeks and then you move up to the next level for 13 weeks and then the next level and so on, my goal this year is to also loose fifty pounds, I am not going to go any higher than that as I don't want to get discouraged. Soon I will take before shots, as I do still look the same, and post them. I'll try to keep a picture progress each month or every three months. I love this work out, I am Two weeks in and feeling great!
I hope you are all doing well. So I didn't get my refund from Paypal they denied it saying it was too long past their file date. So Andria Pettell is getting away with scamming many many people out of hundreds of dollars, but I believe that Karma will come back around to her threefold.
I just finished two weeks of DDP Yoga and I still feel great and motivated. I lost I think about four inches off my waist, I can see my cheekbones now. I can feel the difference of when I work out and don't work out, when I don't work out my joints get stiff and I am in pain, when I do work out I am able to get around better and stand for longer periods of time. I am going to weigh myself next week to see if I have dropped anymore pounds, I lost two my first week. My goal is to average 10 pounds a month. I am hoping that when I get to my goal weight I won't have all that excess skin. If I do I do I'll deal with it, I will not get surgery. If I have to wear layers and spandex I will. :) I didn't think I would be able to do these work outs but I am, I just finished 25 mins. I look forward to working out every day now, I went from sitting in a chair in front of my laptop day after day hardly moving, only getting up to go to the bathroom and to get something to eat. Now I am doing between 17-25 mins of yoga each day, I am doing the limited mobility to start it goes for 13 weeks and then you move up to the next level for 13 weeks and then the next level and so on, my goal this year is to also loose fifty pounds, I am not going to go any higher than that as I don't want to get discouraged. Soon I will take before shots, as I do still look the same, and post them. I'll try to keep a picture progress each month or every three months. I love this work out, I am Two weeks in and feeling great!
Friday, March 24, 2017
DDP AND BOS
Merry Meet All,
Just checking in with you. I am very sore today been doing DDP Yoga for four days now and I am sore. I also made a new Book of Shadows.
Took eight hours to make and it's 1000 pages or almost a 1000 pages. This is my second book, I am happy with this one, now the challenge is putting in information. Total cost for supplies. 185.00.
I signed up and ordered the DDP Yoga dvds, For the last four days I have been able to do 20 min sessions and I feel great. I haven't had a soda since Tuesday and I am feeling it, I am sleepy and have a headache. My goal is to not drink any kind of soda when I can do that then I'll slowly cut out sugar and processed foods. I am tired of not being in shape, tired of doing harm to my body and to myself.
If you are struggling and don't know how to get started or not sure what program to use, I recommend DDP, it was started by Diamond Dallas Page, yes the wrestler and watching some of the stories by the people that took this journey has motivated me. I hope you all are doing well, Just wanted to talk about DDP and my BOS.
Just checking in with you. I am very sore today been doing DDP Yoga for four days now and I am sore. I also made a new Book of Shadows.
I signed up and ordered the DDP Yoga dvds, For the last four days I have been able to do 20 min sessions and I feel great. I haven't had a soda since Tuesday and I am feeling it, I am sleepy and have a headache. My goal is to not drink any kind of soda when I can do that then I'll slowly cut out sugar and processed foods. I am tired of not being in shape, tired of doing harm to my body and to myself.
If you are struggling and don't know how to get started or not sure what program to use, I recommend DDP, it was started by Diamond Dallas Page, yes the wrestler and watching some of the stories by the people that took this journey has motivated me. I hope you all are doing well, Just wanted to talk about DDP and my BOS.
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Just A Little Update
Merry Meet Everyone,
I haven't blogged in a bit. I have been feeling not so motivated lately to do much, however I have been trying to work on my book that I have been writing. I am also going to redo my book of shadows see if I can make improvements on it. Speaking of book of shadows, I don't know if you remember when I had ordered one from magickallymade? The one I paid hundreds of dollars for and never got, I thought for sure that I heard the last, well I contacted paypal and the woman I spoke with is going to submit a one time courtesy refund form for paypal's approval so I may be getting the money back. *keeps fingers and toes crossed* I'll know more in 48-72 hours from last night.
I have also been dealing with my mental health issues, today I have been irritable and I snapped at my hubby. So we are like two cats circling eachother, I don't mean to get upset and snap at him, It wasn't even him I was upset at, it was myself, we just got back from grocery shopping and I managed to go in, which as it's been hard for me to do the last few years with my anxiety and panic attacks and the pain in my knees and back, but I did it, and when we got home, I was in pain and letting the anxiety out that I have been holding back while in the store and I put the new carton of eggs in the fridge on the top shelf and was pulling something out to throw away, the eggs slid out and fell onto the floor breaking all of them...so I left fly the eff bomb and he asked what did I say I said yes I said the fuck word and he tells me to calm down, and I said well I am trying to put this shit away and I dropped the eggs, and he goes oh it's shit now, I just said you know what you deal with it then.
I get tired of having to deal day to day with these issues, I get tired of taking the pills and I just get tired. I feel like I should be doing more with my life. But it is hard to function day after day with this, there have been times where I was like eff it I am just going to take all my pills and not deal with this shit, but I cannot do that, I have been given a second chance and I plan to stay strong. I hope you all are doing well, Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to give you A Little Update
Blessed Be
I haven't blogged in a bit. I have been feeling not so motivated lately to do much, however I have been trying to work on my book that I have been writing. I am also going to redo my book of shadows see if I can make improvements on it. Speaking of book of shadows, I don't know if you remember when I had ordered one from magickallymade? The one I paid hundreds of dollars for and never got, I thought for sure that I heard the last, well I contacted paypal and the woman I spoke with is going to submit a one time courtesy refund form for paypal's approval so I may be getting the money back. *keeps fingers and toes crossed* I'll know more in 48-72 hours from last night.
I have also been dealing with my mental health issues, today I have been irritable and I snapped at my hubby. So we are like two cats circling eachother, I don't mean to get upset and snap at him, It wasn't even him I was upset at, it was myself, we just got back from grocery shopping and I managed to go in, which as it's been hard for me to do the last few years with my anxiety and panic attacks and the pain in my knees and back, but I did it, and when we got home, I was in pain and letting the anxiety out that I have been holding back while in the store and I put the new carton of eggs in the fridge on the top shelf and was pulling something out to throw away, the eggs slid out and fell onto the floor breaking all of them...so I left fly the eff bomb and he asked what did I say I said yes I said the fuck word and he tells me to calm down, and I said well I am trying to put this shit away and I dropped the eggs, and he goes oh it's shit now, I just said you know what you deal with it then.
I get tired of having to deal day to day with these issues, I get tired of taking the pills and I just get tired. I feel like I should be doing more with my life. But it is hard to function day after day with this, there have been times where I was like eff it I am just going to take all my pills and not deal with this shit, but I cannot do that, I have been given a second chance and I plan to stay strong. I hope you all are doing well, Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to give you A Little Update
Blessed Be
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Thanks, But No Thanks.
I want to get something off my chest a bit of a rant I guess, the other day I was visiting with one of my friends, who is Christian, we are talking and she says to me I am getting baptized, I would like you to be there, I said sure I'll try to make it. It's quiet for a moment and she says but don't wear anything wiccan, and I blink and in my head I am saying what do you think I am going to wear a black robe and black dress with a witches hat and boots? The only thing I wear is my pentacle with my jeans and a t-shirt, my pentacle is a butterfly with a small pentacle in the center. I started to tell her well that would be like me asking you not to wear your cross if I were to invite you to anything. Which as I would never tell someone of a different religion they cannot wear their cross, star of David, pentacle, baphomet, whatever. I felt hurt. I am also tired of walking on egg shells, she even questioned something about my past and I am like, really?!, just because I don't come out and say everything, I have told her a little bit about what I went through and such, I would never question her, I felt like it was pick on me day. I have decided to just keep my distance, I am trying to find my own way and grow in my path and my beliefs. So in answer to her asking me to her baptism, thanks but no thanks.
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