Baby Steps

Good morning!, It is a lovely spring day outside.  I am now on day 22 of my year and a day and have been working on getting things jotted down that I want to put into my book of shadows when it arrives.  Today I want to talk about being an overweight person.  I am currently 350 lbs, I can hear some of you saying put the fork down, actually in my case it's not the fork that made me this way, I do not hardly eat, I skip breakfast, sometimes even lunch and have dinner, most days I eat three meals a day, and not huge portions either, my problem is not eating enough, and not exercising.  I also used to drink a lot of sugary sodas, and southern sweet tea, now I drink coke zero, which as I have cut way down and I used two packs of sweet in low in my tea, working on cutting that down to one and hopefully soon none.  Oh and I don't eat a lot of vegetables or fruit. 

It is hard for someone my size to do things, and I feel like I am 60 instead of 43.  I am also tired of people staring and not finding clothing that fits right.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and my vitals were taken my blood pressure was up from last time.  

As a wiccan if we don't honor our selves, our bodies, we don't honor the god and goddess, so today I got up and went outside, walked from our gate to the wall that is in the back of our apartment building I did this three times and it felt great, I know it wasn't a lot but hey when you haven't worked out or did a lot of moving it felt like I won a marathon.  Before I moved here to San Diego, I was working out for an hour using the wii, I was riding my stationary bike for 30mins, I was using weights to work out my arms and walking for 20 to 30 mins a day plus eating more fruit and such.  I really need to get back into that, I keep telling myself that when my husband and I get a bigger house, right now we live in a small apartment that should be considered just for one person., anyho, I can't keep using that excuse for not doing it.  So as I said today I started doing something, it's not much, but to even start anything you must first take baby steps.  

  

Itchy To Be Witchy

Today the sun is shining and the weather is about 70-75 outside, spring is almost upon us as well as Ostara, I plan on decorating my altar this year as this will be the first year of my study and journey of the Craft, while I am waiting on my BOS (book of shadows) I started a mock one, putting all my information into it arranging it how I want it and what information I want in it, I won't decorate any of the pages as I will be saving that part for my real BOS.  I worked on my dedication last night and it was an emotional one for me.  I am also wishing that I had a flower garden to work in or lived in an area that got more rain than what we do here in San Diego.  I am wanting to feel the Earth in my fingers and planting things.  I am definitely a green witch.  I would also like to find two or three other women that are into the craft and get to know them and hang out with them, creating a great friendship.  My fingers are itching to start writing spells and jotting down information and to get into the Earth feeling it under my fingers.  My mouth is ready to chant and body is ready to soak up the sun and moonlight.  Yes Can't you tell I am Itchy to be Witchy.  I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Blessed Be. 

That Little Trip Called Guilt.

I spoke to my dad today and he keeps laying the guilt trip on me about when I am going to come home to see them.  For one , when I moved here to California, I had no intention of ever going home or even speaking to him again.  He and I have a very rocky relationship and did not get along at all.  It was always tense around him and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells.  So anyway today he asked me again, I said well if I could afford it I would come home the ticket is close to seven hundred dollars and up to 1000.  He says to me I guess we'll never see you again, I said I guess not.  He gets huffy with me and tells me he has to go.  People think I am cruel for not going home, my mom has alzhimers and I spoke to her before I moved, before she got worse and she did tell me that she wants me to be happy and not to come home no matter how bad she got, she didn't want me to see her that way. You see, I would have had the money, I got a lot on my back pay for my disability, but I spent that by paying their rent and buying food for them and paying their electric bill.  Even paying taxes on a trailer they were going to buy from someone in Indiana, who ended up taking their money. Also if I don't call for a week , he will call me and goes why can't you call, well because the phone works both ways, he only calls when he needs something or wants something, never just to ask if I am okay.    I have to deal with my own problems here.  My therapist and I are concerned I may have a set back if I go home.  I am doing so much better here.  I cannot deal with this today or any day.  I am not going to take that little trip called guilt  not today and not any day. 

 

I also got word about my Book of Shadows that I mentioned in another post, the creator of my book got sent the wrong butterfly, so now they have to wait for the right one to get sent, which could take a awhile as the seller of said butterfly has to wait until some mature, so now my book is being delayed and since they have to catch up on the books before mine, mine isn't going to get done until the end of May now, when I was told that mine would be done in 12 weeks, and all my stuff for my book was in and she was working on the binding in February.  So I am a little bummed about that, but am glad they didn't settle for the one sent to them.  

Birthdays and Blues.

I turned 43 years old on the second of March.  I really don't feel any different.  I can remember how excited I used to get at it being my day.  I guess as we get older, or at least I think, that we tend to loose that.  I realize there are a lot of things we tend to loose as we get older, the wonder of the day, the joy of seeing a rain puddle and splashing in it.  Christmas morning, to me, now being a wiccan, I celebrate Yule, but before my journey into the Craft, I did celebrate Christmas and used to get so excited about it.  Even Halloween or Samhain used to be a great excitement in my life.  

Why do adults loose that, is it because we are told that when we reach a certain age that we are adults now and must act like adults, and don't go splashing in the rain puddles because the neighbors might look at you strangely?   Right now it's raining outside and chilly.  I can remember on warm summer days when the rain would fall, I would be right outside playing in it splashing in every puddle I could find.  Loving the joy and wonder that the world has/had to offer.  A lot of us get so caught up in our busy lives that we forgot how to live it.  We loose ourselves and we loose our friends.  I caught myself remembering how , when I was younger, I lived in a small town, I can remember neighbors sitting on their porches, and chatting with each other, I can remember seeing ladies standing at the fence that connected their backyards and just chatting, people waving at you as you walked down the street, the excitement and anticipation of waiting for my best friends letter to arrive in the mailbox and hurrying up to send a reply, now it's done by email, to me that just feels so impersonal and cold.  

I remember going out on summer nights and chasing lightening bugs and drinking out of the garden hose, and gazing up at the stars while laying on my back on the ground.  A lot of kids now days do not know what that is like.  

I did feel a little blue on my birthday, as I remembered all the ones before when I was a kid.  Maybe I should go out this summer and chase lightening bugs and gaze at the stars once more..  

Goonies Never Say Die.

Had therapy on Wednesday it was very emotional for me.  Having to talk about my sexual abuse and abuse.  I am not ready to go into detail yet as I haven't really started talking about it during therapy, I have a new therapist and have only seen her four time so far.  

Right now I can hear birds chirping outside and the sun is out.  Makes me long for a flowerbed or garden to work in.  I hope that one day we can own our own home.  

There is one friend that I miss most of all, I have known her since the sixth grade, we were so very close, always hanging out together, always calling each other on the phone, always writing letters, we were together almost every day.  She lived with me for a bit during high school, we swore we would always be friends. We thought of ourselves like the Goonies, our favorite movie, if you haven't seen it I recommend watching it.    Something happened, she stopped talking to me in 2004, I am not sure what it is.  I have tried to contact her by sending her letters but she never would contact me back. I haven't spoken to her for 12 years now.  I have some days where I get upset about this and just feel very hurt and sad.  Other days I am okay with it.  I really wish that she would contact me so we can talk and maybe work it out, I am not sure what she thinks I did, I am not even sure what I did.  All I know is that I miss my best friend, who would have been friends for 31 years this year if we still talked.  

So I guess what I am trying to say is, if you have a best friend and you have a fight or you think your friend did something, before cutting them off totally talk to them and ask them if they did or said what you think or were told they said and did, don't let a friendship end without letting the other person know why.  I guess until I find out, I won't have closure. 
 
Brat..if you ever read this know that I am thinking of you, missing you, and still love you my bestie. I am here and willing to talk....You have my number or did at one time.  Goonies Never Say Die. 

Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Depression, OH MY!

I haven't posted in a bit due to having panic attacks and anxiety, and depression, Which kept me in bed for a day or so.  I am doing alright today.  It is gloomy outside and the birds are singing. It rained some, which as I love when it does it here in California.  My wonderful husband bought me a besom for valentines day. For my birthday that is coming up he bought me a scrying mirror from the same people that are making my book of shadows.  I just got word that the maker of my book has been working on it and they informed me that they felt a lot of energy in the book and saw an aura, they wanted to know if I was sending it, Yes I have been as every time I look at it I think of my mother, the butterfly on the cover reminds me of her, she loves butterflies.  I cannot wait until March 1st to start my year and a day journey.  I chose the day before my birthday so that when the year and a day ends it will be on March 2nd, my birthday.

So back to what this post is really about.  I wish I knew really what was causing my panic attacks and anxiety.  I hate the feeling of the tightening up of my body and chest and the shakes and building panic, the fear bubbling up.  I hate feeling weak.  I have been going to therapy for three years now and I am doing somewhat better, I can sleep without the lights on and I am not afraid to go into a closet.  I am still having trouble taking a shower without panic setting in, but I am getting there. So if this is happening to you, you are not alone there are others, like me, who have to deal with this damn thing on a weekly basis, keep your head up, fight the fight and stay strong.   So when I think of my panic attacks and depression and anxiety I hear Lions and Tigers and Bears OH My!, but in this case it would be Anxiety, Panic attacks , Depression OH My!.
  

I am Wiccan, Not a satanist

 

 Today I want to talk about misconceptions that people have about those of us that practice the Craft, ie Wicca, Paganism, etc. 

We are not Satanist, we don't believe in the concept of the Christian devil, he does not exist to us, that would be asking an Atheist if he worships God. 

We do not sacrifice children or animals, to us all life is sacred. The only offerings we make to our God and Goddess is fruit, flowers and bread and wine. 

We don't fly on brooms, however, we do use besoms, (brooms) for cleansing a space and in ritual work. 

We don't cast black magic, as it does not exist for us, we don't hex or curse as we believe what we put out good or bad comes back threefold to us. 

We don't have orgies, however we do not shun sex as well, we just don't see or think of nudity or sex as being evil or a sin.

The Pentacle and Pentagram is not the same as the Baphomet, used by those that worship Satan. 

 

 We don't drink the blood of animals or children. Most of us drink wine or fruit juice.

No we aren't going to hell as for us hell doesn't exist. 

We celebrate holidays as well, expect for we don't celebrate the Christan aspect of holidays. 

 Christians' took those holidays from us and changed them to suit their own beliefs and practices.  Every aspect of Christianity has links to the Wiccan/Pagan practices and beliefs.

Most of the time you cannot tell who is and who isn't wiccan/pagan. We are normal people just like you. We are doctors, teachers, lawyers, soldiers, housewives, mothers, students, your next door neighbor, a close friend.  We don't go around shoving religious tracts in your face or proclaim that if you don't believe in the Goddess you're going to hell.  We tend to hide the fact that we are wiccan/pagan as there is still a lot of stigma and fear about our beliefs.  So if you ever hear someone say the come out of the broom closet, that is because they finally revealed to family and friends that they are what they are.  It's very much like someone who is gay coming out to family and friends.

 

What I wanted to say, I hope I made my point.  Is that I am wiccan, not a Satanist.