Crone/Aunt Flo/Perimenopause.

 

Warning I talk about Periods and say the Fuck word a few times, don't want to read about it then move on. 

 

"What the fuck is wrong with me, ?" I yell at my husband, as I bust into tears, I cry at the drop of a hat, my aunt flo times are wonky, I don't feel like myself, my anxiety is through the roof, it's hot in here, I am waking up with sweat between my boobs, " I look in the mirror and wail again "I have pimples, I am 45 why the hell am I getting pimples again, why is my aunt flo so heavy,and last month so light, and the three times prior to that, normal and the two times prior to that just a bit of pink tinge when I wipe, " "Ugh I need more sleep" Even though I slept eight hours, why the hell can I not get to sleep before three am when I used to fall asleep at 11 pm, Why am I suddenly snapping at the cats and the dog and feeling out of sorts, and even snapping at my hubby, one moment I am laughing and happy next moment crying, and a mess, my depression is getting worse, my anxiety and panic attacks are more frequent, I have muscle tightness and joint aches, and sex...yeah no thanks, not tonight dear, really not in the mood, why am I dry sometimes,  when I used to get wet just like that, are those strands of gray hair on my head...why am I getting sharp pains in my boobs now, at random times? why do I feel like I am invisible, and not myself? Why can't I focus, I used to read three books a week, now I can barley get through one every two weeks or even one a month, I am finding no pleasure in things right now, all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just hide from the world. I feel like something is missing, like I am missing a big part of me. "I have old people's eyes, " I wail at him "I had to get progression lenses, and then wear computer glasses and then my progression for watching t.v. and reading, " my husband just smiles and hugs me, babe...welcome to middle age he says to me... I want to smack him. 

Then it dawned on me, I think I am hitting the crone stage of my life, I think I am going through perimenopause, according to this website and the ticks I checked off, yep I think I am entering that stage..https://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/ 
But why am I upset? I should be rejoicing, soon I won't have to deal with the damn bleeding every month and the pads, and such, but yet, I feel a bit sad, perhaps its because maybe it was just a jolt, to suddenly wake up  and realize that I am changing that I am not the younger self I once was. I am going to have to learn to embrace this and welcome it, I know I'll get to that stage to where I'll say I am growing old gracefully and will accept it and embrace it, but right now, can I please jump ahead and just magically not have to deal with the changes, and just wake up and be at the other end of menopause? 
So what is actually the Crone stage, and what are the other stages, So I did a bit of research and more in depth about the Maiden, Mother, Crone aspect, I did some research when I first started the craft and didn't think to much of it, and this is what I learned. 
The Maiden for me is the time when you are a young girl just going through puberty, learning about all the aspects of what it will be like to be a woman, getting first period, first crush, first kiss, body changes from a child to a teen and the stage before marriage and children, it's a time of innocence and being childlike. 
The Mother for me is the time of being a bit older, a bit wiser, being a homemaker, don't matter if you have children or not, you care for someone or something, seeking more knowledge, more answers, establishing yourself, finding yourself, perhaps, learning who you really are, the fertile years, or the caring stage, where you worry and care for everyone else but yourself, running yourself ragged, to make sure everyone you love or everything you care about is safe and healthy and taken care of.
The Crone aspect for me is, You're getting older, wiser, and more powerful, taking more charge of yourself and embracing life more, if you have kids they are probably out of the house and now you can totally focus on you, perhaps making more new friends women your age you can sit and gossip with, be a bit more out there, be more loud, if someone looks at you funny as you and your friends laugh and carry on, you have the privilege to say I am old dammit I can say what I want (all this is said in jest), a time to really focus on you, learn new things, to do what you want to do, go back to school, travel, hit that second sexual peak, pamper yourself, learn more, do more, be more, I hope when I am done with my crone stage, I can be like Aunt Jet and Aunt Frances from Practical Magic, or be like the Golden Girls.

  Picture Credit https://elvenstardesigns.deviantart.com/art/Triple-goddess-moonstone-circlet-563599567