Hello Depression My Old Friend.

 So you know how most people can just jump out of bed feeling energized and hit the gym and get breakfast and run a million errands and hang out with friends? That should be a normal thing, right? That is unless you have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. See here is how I wish my days would go: Get up at a decent time around 8am-9am, shower, brush my hair, cleanse my face, work out, grab a smoothie, spend time at my altar, write a blog post, clean the house, fix lunch, meditate, do a youtube video and upload it, do a book of shadows page, work on the book that I have been writing for ten years but keep putting it aside, make dinner, do the dishes, go for a walk, read, have sex with my husband and fall asleep around 11.

In reality this is my day: Wake up at 2 am, go pee, give the pets treats, crawl back into bed, grab my chrome book, check facebook, email, instagram, watch youtube to zone out, tell myself okay one more video as it's helping my mind rest for a moment and keeps the anxiety and depression at bay and makes me forget I have depression for one more day, as it turns off my thoughts, glance at the clock and tell myself I should eat and drink some water, drag myself out of bed into the kitchen, grab a coke zero and make a sandwich, go back to my room and crawl into bed, click another youtube video to get out of my head as I eat...stare at my water container thinking yeah I should really drink some water, yell hello to my husband as he wanders into the living room, tell him I am okay and I am fine, but inside it's a lie, check facebook again, email, and instagram, Sighs wishing I could get motivated and be like those who have a plan and stick with it and loose the weight, get inspired by a person that was once like me, overweight and depressed and now is looking their best and feeling their best, if they can do it so can I, I jump up grab a notebook and a pen and start to make a plan, I'll meal prep and plan, I'll work out, I'll start eating healthy, I'll start going out, I'll start tomorrow, feeling energized and happy that I jotted down my plan I put my notebook down and watch youtube again, I tell myself I need to eat, it's been hours since that sandwich, groans as I have to drag myself out of bed and go prep something goes back to watching youtube wishing I was a domestic goddess like that youtuber who has ten kids, and meal preps for all week, and shops for groceries and cleans her house, while homeschooling her kids (I hate that bitch)

. 7pm I get food, 8pm I am out like a light, two am I am wide awake, forgetting all about or not wanting to remember my one brief moment of inspiration and motivation, what was I thinking I must have been nuts, telling myself I can start tomorrow,  I grab my chromebook and start again as the depression monster whispers so we meet again. 

(picture credit Sow Ay https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)

It's My Life.

Good Morning Everyone. 

 

I just thought I would sit and type whatever is on my mind at the moment.  I just did the dishes and waiting for them to dry. I am going to be cleaning the kitchen today and doing it little by little.  It's still hot here another month or so of the heat.  I am listening to Journey Wheel In The Sky as I type this and sipping water from my tumbler I got from Etsy that says Murderino on it. (SSDGM to all my MFM listeners). My boy Pepe is wanting my attention so I had to pause to give him some love.  

I am having some memories listening to Who's Crying Now? by Journey, remembering dancing in the gym in high school a slow dance with a good friend of mine that I had a huge crush on, (Heath, if you ever stumble across this blog I still think of you) Yeah before you ask I did divulge my feelings for him many years after high school, but he was already with someone.  Even though I was bullied and picked on in High School and sexually assaulted, I do have some good memories with Brat (her nickname), Jules. Living with my grandparents, MTV, when they actually played music, the movies. At  times I look at myself in the mirror and wonder when in the hell did I get so old? I long for those days again, no not the sexual assault and the bullying but the time with my good friends and the way things were. I would not trade my life as a teen then for the life a teenager has now. 

Sorry about the trip down memory lane for a few moments, on another note my husband got a job, He starts Wednesday and we are finally shopping for a new car. I have also, as I stated removed a negative person from my life. I have been working out more and I can feel that I am gaining muscle in my abdomen area as well as my upper arms, I still have a long way to go. I am up to sixteen bedflex 3 with DDPY. That one hurts like hell. My next step is to get some ankle weights and start using those when I do my back and forth walk. I have decided to work on a better, stronger, more positive me, because you know it's my life.  

I Choose Me.

I bet you all thought I dropped off the face of the earth? Well, I kind of have, the truth is my depression got so bad that I could not function a lot of days. So many things going on as well. On August 29th our cat Sophie passed away in my arms. I got word that my mom has less than five months to live, an uncle of mine is also dying, a good friend of mine passed away, I had COVID in February, before we even knew it was here.  My husband is between jobs, has been getting interviews but no calls, things shut down, stress building anxiety building, my "friend" going back to putting me on the back burner and only wanting to talk to me when she is driving home from her boyfriend's house, she at the moment is staying with him while she recovers from surgery, and I haven't heard from her but maybe twice. I met our new neighbor, who I feel like might be a kindred spirit when I get to know her better and we can hang out once Covid is gone and things are semi back to normal. I was diagnosed with IBS and GERD and at times it's no fun at all, like right now I am having an IBS issue, I am still going therapy been getting a lot off my chest. 

Hubby and I were planning on buying our own place and were actually going to look at one and perhaps put a down payment on it, but yeah COVID happened. We were also going to buy a new(ish) car and go on a vacation, but then COVID happened. There is also a big hole in our bathroom ceiling as there is a leak that happens when our upstairs neighbors takes a shower, last week we had a plumber in and he cut a hole in the ceiling and was like nope nothing wrong with the pipes but the floor upstairs is rotting, I'll let the landlord know he tells me, and I'll be back at four pm to go upstairs and check things out, never heard from him again nor has the landlord sent someone, so yeah going to have to call and make a fuss. 

I still haven't gotten a book written, I keep going back and forth on what I want to write, I have gained weight again and have started back on my DDP and trying to eat healthy and meal prep. Though I did jump on the overnight oats bandwagon and love them, as well as making mason jar meals ahead of time, such as stirfry noodles with chicken and veggies or rice and chicken and veggies, I a going to make some homemade chicken noodle soup and put those into jars as well, and make some yogurt parfaits. I can't eat much sugar anymore, it sets off my IBS, I am limited to 15 grams a day, thank goodness Reese cups are 8grams. 

I am also slowly figuring out me, and the person I want to be, I am still a work in progress and figured out I want to chose me 

As far as my "friend" goes I am going to have to let go and stick with it this time, as I can't keep playing these passive, aggressive games and her only reaching out when no one else is around or her only doing something with me when she has nothing else to do or her asking me how I am and me telling her but her not really listening only to make it about herself, or to criticize me or my husband and tell me I deserve better or if I was to leave I couldn't make it on my own and the reason why I stay is because I am afraid to be on my own, little does she know I have been on my own for many many many years before I met and married my husband and did very well. 

So in the end I choose me. 

Thanks But No Thanks.

So the other day I got into a fight with my "friend", the one that chose her boyfriend over our friendship. She got upset with me when I couldn't help her with a certain thing, I have almost always helped her and as soon as I said no she suddenly stopped talking to me and coming around, but when I needed help she would always say I can't.  She even told me that she couldn't ever rely on me.  That hurt me so much as I have almost always helped her with things.   Then she proceeds to tell me that I always act the victim when it comes to my depression and anxiety, that I always say I wish people could walk a couple of days in my shoes so they would know what I am going through.  I said that once to her as she kept telling me I need to fight and get over it, what she doesn't understand is that I do fight everyday, I fight to keep from killing myself, I fight to keep a happy smile on my face, I fight to keep from crumpling up and falling apart and breaking down. 

She doesn't know that I struggle to get things done around the house and keep myself healthy and struggle to eat.   That I feel like I am carrying a 160 pound monkey on my back. On some days I am so mentally exhausted and emotionally drained that I keep telling myself  to keep going don't give up, yet while another part of me is yelling I can't do it anymore it hurts I am so tired I can't and then I am standing there screaming at myself you can do it you have to do it. Then I look up and it's the end of the day and I made it. 

Friendship for me is giving without asking for anything in return, not getting upset when a friend tells you no they can't do something and friendship is not about doing things for your friends because it benefits you or you get something out of it, friendship isn't about putting your friend to the side when you find a new boyfriend or a new friend. Friendship is about compromise, trust, bonding, not questioning and letting things go, friendship is sitting there with someone not having to talk and laughter, not bringing up negative things constantly, and tearing your friends down when they are trying to better themselves but lift them up and help fix their crown. 
Friendships are Idgy and Ruth (Fried Green Tomatoes), Cee Cee Bloom and Hillary (Beaches), Rose, Dorothy, Blanche (Golden Girls), Gillan and Sally, Aunt Frances and Aunt Jett (Practical Magic),Duckie Dale and Andie (Pretty in Pink).
So if my "Friend's" Definition is all the prior about taking and not giving, only wanting your friend when you have nothing else going on and only when it gets you something then thanks but no thanks, I don't want a friendship like that.  I'll wait for my Ruth, my Hillary, My Dorothy and Blanche, My Gillan, and My Aunt Jett and my Duckie Dale. 

Surrender.

Hello everyone, 
WARNING I TALK ABOUT SEX,

I know it's been forever and a day. I have been working on myself, getting out more trying to live more. I have also lost two pant sizes and seven inches off my waist. I am also discovering myself sexually, learning what I like and exploring different things, Such as being a submissive. As I learn more I'll talk about it here.  My husband is starting a new job, a job that he always wanted, so such good news there. He and I have bonded more and have become closer, yes if you are wondering he is also willing to explore the Dom/sub aspect of our intimacy, he has been wanting to try that for so long but wasn't sure how to approach me with it and I in turn was wanting to explore that side but wasn't sure how to tell him, LOL, finally one day we just sat and talked about it.  So ladies don't be nervous to tell your husband you want that 50 Shades of Grey aspect in the bedroom or anytime. 

I am learning that in this new relationship we are having and about to have that He doesn't have all the control, it is me, as a sub that has the power, as in giving myself to Him, totally, I allow whatever to happen, happen. I say no when I don't feel comfortable with something and have to power to say stop when whatever gets to intense. For so long I have struggled with my sexual nature, feeling ashamed of certain thoughts. I was raised in a house hold that didn't discuss sex, sex was kept in the bedroom and that was it, you didn't talk about it really at all. I am also a rape survivor and that impacted a lot of how I viewed sex.  Since our little experiment I am feeling more sure about myself, more confident and more empowered. Learning who I am inside as a person and the power that I have.   No this isn't going to be a 24/7 thing but there are some aspects of it that will be 24/7. 

I am still going to therapy and still working on my mental health, I have also cut back my time and relationship with a certain friend that I have, she chose her boyfriend over friendship and said some things to me that made me step back and realize that what she and I had wasn't really friendship. 

I am growing as a person and changing and I like the changes so far. I am glad that I chose to surrender. 

I Don't Know How.

Hey Ya'll,
I know it's been awhile since I posted. So much has been going on. I am still doing my weight loss, I have gained and lost and gained again, I am trying to figure things out and do what is best for me, I am still going to therapy and I have started a youtube channel. My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. 

I still haven't talked to my "parents" I have cut all contact with them and I am feeling stronger everyday. I have almost finished writing one book. I am slowly trying to find the person I was once before, I know, I know, you can't be exactly who you were but I would love to find a bit of her inside of me of who I was once. 

I have also decided to get a tattoo on my wrist a semicolon with butterfly wings.  Even though I am terrified of needles. I am also going to get my hair colored, I love the reds and purples. 

 I have so much going on and so much I want to do, I just can't seem to get started or how to start. For example
1) Get rid of weight and be healthy (I know eating on a regular basis, getting in enough calories to speed my metabolism, and keep exercising and cutting down on carbs and such)
2) Find the person I want to be (still not sure who that is)
3) Get one book published (need to finish it first, then find an editor and publisher)
4) Organize the house and get it clean and keep it that way (hubby needs to also pitch in by keeping his stuff picked up and cleaning up after himself and throwing away any packages he opens and helping out a bit.
5) Having more friends, (since my one friend hardly calls me or wants to hang out with me anymore as she can't pry herself away from her boyfriend long enough to remember she has a friend, so I need to get out more and find someone who isn't going to put me on the backburner all of the time)
 6) Stop being so hard on myself...(I don't know how)
7) Start loving myself (I don't know how)

Learning To Heal And Be Me Again and In A Magickal Slump.

Hey Everyone, It's been forever since I have blogged anything.  I have been dealing with some issues, mental health-related and emotional.  I about 20 years ago walked away from a toxic relationship and I never knew how to heal and I was just pushing it in the back of my mind. I was watching my girl Ember Honey Raven on youtube and she was talking about some books she got and I thought you know I am going to look into these and I showed them to my hubby, and he bought them for me, I finished Psychopath Free in two days and I must say, Bravo, Bravo.  I never knew the reason why I stayed for so long, I never figured out how I got sucked into being with that person and all the little ways and things that person would do to tear away who I was and mold me into what they wanted.  I have been crying the past few days, as I am ready to heal and opened up the wounds and brought the memories to the surface that I kept tucked away in my mind somewhere.  I am emotionally drained right now and have been sleeping a lot and kind of hiding away.  

It's also raining right now has been for the last four days, I am about to build an ark ya'll and I also noticed the roof here in my spare room/office is leaking so yay another thing to deal with on top of that the starter in the car went out as well as the radiator leaking, but that is fixed, now I need to call landlord and tell him about the leaking roof as soon as this rain lets up on Wed. Sorry got off track with my thoughts and am just typing out whatever is in my head.  Also, offer up blessings, thoughts, well wishes for my hubby he has to have eye surgery end of this month for cataracts. 

I am also in a magical slump and don't know how to get out of it, I may go back to the basics and just start reading the books I got when I first started walking the witchy/Wiccan path. Rededicate myself to Danu, The Morrigan, Hecate, and The Horned God. 

So Just thought I would check in, give an update check to see how you all are doing and let you know I am learning to heal and be me again and figuring out a way to overcome this magickal slump.