Just A Little Update

Merry Meet Everyone, 
I haven't blogged in a bit. I have been feeling not so motivated lately to do much, however I have been trying to work on my book that I have been writing. I am also going to redo my book of shadows see if I can make improvements on it.  Speaking of book of shadows, I don't know if you remember when I had ordered one from magickallymade?  The one I paid hundreds of dollars for and never got, I thought for sure that I heard the last, well I contacted paypal and the woman I spoke with is going to submit a one time courtesy refund form for paypal's approval so I may be getting the money back.  *keeps fingers and toes crossed* I'll know more in 48-72 hours from last night.  

I have also been dealing with my mental health issues, today I have been irritable and I snapped at my hubby. So we are like two cats circling eachother, I don't mean to get upset and snap at him, It wasn't even him I was upset at, it was myself, we just got back from grocery shopping and I managed to go in, which as it's been hard for me to do the last few years with my anxiety and panic attacks and the pain in my knees and back, but I did it, and when we got home, I was in pain and letting the anxiety out that I have been holding back while in the store and I put the new carton of eggs in the fridge on the top shelf and was pulling something out to throw away, the eggs slid out and fell onto the floor breaking all of them...so I left fly the eff bomb and he asked what did I say I said yes I said the fuck word and he tells me to calm down, and I said well I am trying to put this shit away and I dropped the eggs, and he goes oh it's shit now, I just said you know what you deal with it then.

I get tired of having to deal day to day with these issues, I get tired of taking the pills and I just get tired.  I feel like I should be doing more with my life.  But it is hard to function day after day with this, there have been times where I was like eff it I am just going to take all my pills and not deal with this shit, but I cannot do that, I have been given a second chance and I plan to stay strong. I hope you all are doing well, Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to give you A Little Update
Blessed Be   

Thanks, But No Thanks.

I want to get something off my chest a bit of a rant I guess, the other day I was visiting with one of my friends, who is Christian, we are talking and she says to me I am getting baptized, I would like you to be there, I said sure I'll try to make it. It's quiet for a moment and she says but don't wear anything wiccan, and I blink and in my head I am saying what do you think I am going to wear a black robe and black dress with a witches hat and boots? The only thing I wear is my pentacle with my jeans and a t-shirt, my pentacle is a butterfly with a small pentacle in the center. I started to tell her well that would be like me asking you not to wear your cross if I were to invite you to anything. Which as I would never tell someone of a different religion they cannot wear their cross, star of David, pentacle, baphomet, whatever. I felt hurt.  I am also tired of walking on egg shells, she even questioned something about my past and I am like, really?!, just because I don't come out and say everything, I have told her a little bit about what I went through and such, I would never question her, I felt like it was pick on me day.  I have decided to just keep my distance, I am trying to find my own way and grow in my path and my beliefs. So in answer to her asking me to her baptism, thanks but no thanks. 

Relaxed and a Zen State of Mind

Right now, I am sitting here with candles lit upon my altar, and Egyptian musk incense from the dipper.com burning and some soft flute music with a water trickling sound in it. It is quiet in here, as in soothing, and quiet outside, it has just finished raining and is still gloomy. I have just finished meditating and am trying to decide if I want to write for awhile or work on my book of shadows. I am going to be making another one and seeing if I can improve on what I made the first time.  I have also been thinking about adopting another kitten, She won't replace Mali but I feel like it's time to give a little one a home. I'll see if my husband won't mind taking me to the shelter at some point.  I am slowly trying to make the space I have in the living room my space full of calming and soothing things.  Must remember not to use this glue ever again https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00X4IOFOC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It is very tacky once you put it on and when it dries the pages of my book of shadows tends to stick together, I will use good old Elmer's glue for now on   

I worked out today and have so far eaten two small meals today, and am about to grab lunch which will consist of some cheese, yogurt and an apple or a Salad, not sure which yet. I have made up my mind that I am going to start living for me and working out and eating to benefit me.  I know it will be slow going and that there is no weight loss miracle, that it has to be done with mindful eating and moving more, I am slowly trying to go back to my routine that I was doing in Springfield, where I was working out for an hour a day and eating to benefit my body, I was shedding pounds and was feeling great, So Goddess keep me motivated please and keep me on track.  Right now I am relaxed and in a Zen State of Mind.  

Blessed Be  

MOM

Mom, 
 I am sitting here listening to classic rock and I started to remember how you and I would go cruising in your little red car around town on a summers night with the windows down and the classic rock station turned up loud, listening to our favorite songs from the 80s and singing at the top of our lungs as we stopped for cokes on ice as you called them from Sonic.  So many songs playing now that remind me of those days, having the music on in the house with the windows open and the summer breeze blowing in as we either cleaned house or sitting on the deck or in the swimming pool.  I miss our talks that we used to have during those times and those times we didn't talk, I miss watching scary movies with you and how you had to watch Ghost Hunters, and how you and I had many talks about the paranormal and you told me that when you passed and there was an afterlife, you would come to me and give me the sign that we agreed upon that you would give me,  I wish I could have those days back mom. It isn't fair that at the age of 56 you had to have your memories stolen by Alzheimer's and your spark and life taken.  I know somewhere in there you are still there, I wish that you could become you again and listen to music with me once more. Mom I want you to know I am keeping the promise you made me keep to you and not come home to see you that way, I wish I could talk to you and I wish that you would remember me as I remember you. I want to thank you for everything mom, I want you to know that I am happy in my life, I am living in San Diego with Patrick, happily married and getting stronger each day, mom I am taking voice lessons and sang in front of the family, I sang Jolene by Dolly Parton, one of your favorite songs. No matter what mom as the old Bob Seger Song Said "You're Still The Same" you always will be in my memories.  

I WILL NOT KEEP SILENT.

I am saddened by how things turned out with this election, I did not vote for him, and I didn't really like Hillary as well. I have never seen so much hate as I have now coming from some of the Trump supporters,   I am saddened by how my Native brothers and sisters are being treated as they fight to keep their sacred lands. I am saddened by how young Native girls and girls everywhere are being sexually abused, beaten, brought down, made to feel shame for being a female, some forced to runaway and sell themselves on the streets just so they can survive feeling that way is much better than what they ran away from. I am saddened that we have homeless children and men and women on the streets, because no one cares enough, I am saddened that children are being abused, going to bed hungry.  I am sad that we live in a world where it's much better to pull out our cell phones and film some people fighting and someone being beaten than it is to step in and say enough or try to break it up, I am saddened to see how the elderly are treated, I am saddened that a young girl thinks it's okay to show her body and starve herself,  because she thinks that is going to make her popular.  I am saddened that teenagers everywhere think it's better to kill themselves than face another day of being bullied and picked on for loving who they wish, being who they want to be, or for being too fat, or to thin. I am saddened that people would rather bury their noses in their cell phones instead of showing concern for those that are silently suffering.  I am saddened by how this became a world of self entitlement, and distance, self centered and turning away, of abuse and hate, of not caring about the Earth and those that are in it. Growing up I  was told I can't do this or I can't do that, that I would never amount to anything,  I was abused, I started to feel like there was no hope, when I was being molested and abused I was told to be quiet to not tell to not feel, I was bullied in high school to the point that I wanted to kill myself, to not fight back as it would make me seem like I was to strong willed, I have been called a bitch, a cunt, a whore, a slut, fat, stupid, for speaking my mind and trying to fight back, I almost gave in and almost kept silent, but I WILL NOT KEEP SILENT.

Rest Well Sweet Mali

Good Morning and blessed be, 
Mali ended up coming back, she was just in hiding.  She had been ill for some time and my husband took her to her vet last Saturday, we found out she had an allergic reaction to the plaque on her teeth and it caused an infection. We were given pain meds and special food, but still my girl wouldn't eat. We made the decision to have her put to sleep so she wouldn't suffer no longer. I called her vet on Monday the 24th and was told to bring her in at 6:15 pm, so I held her all day and loved on her, it was so hard looking at the time and thinking to myself, she only has this many more hours to be with me. She purred and rubbed her head against me. My husband came home and got her and took, I could not go as I was too heartbroken to do so. He stayed with her until she left, We are having her cremated and brought back home. She was such love bug who gave me lots of joy and love and I in turn gave her lots of love as well. I miss you my girl. 

I love you now and always, my sweet girl. Rest well and keep running free. 

UPDATE: 11/10/2016
I got my Mali girl back, the Pet Cemetery and Cremation Services of Soreno Valley cremated my girl and did a paw print of her paw in clay 

   

My Furry Feline

Good morning all, if you're reading this may I ask you for prayers, blessings, etc for my Furry Feline, Mali, she has gone missing and I cannot find her, the last time I saw her she was curled up on my husband the night before last and that was the last time I saw her.  I do not know if she got out and just wandered off to die, she had been not feeling well not eating or going to the bathroom or drinking water, I have checked both closets and under the beds, but no sign of her. I do not remember having the front door open for long periods of time. So I am not sure where she is..I pray to the Goddess that she isn't here in the house dead. It's not like her not to come out and nose around for a bit or to come out when my husband gets home, she loves cuddling with him. I am heartsick and asking the Goddess to allow me to find her. She was also my buddy and my sometimes familiar, she would cuddle to me when I was feeling down and go nuts when we got out the spray can of whipped cream. I have a feeling in my heart that she went off to die.I miss my furry little Feline.