In A Nutshell.

It has been so long since I have written a post, wow almost three years I think. So much has happened. First off, I thought I lost this blog, I could not remember my password. Then When I was able to remember my password, the blog didn't show up. So I finally found this blog again. Okay so here is what has been happening since 2021. I ended up getting covid in 2022, which turned into long covid, I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, on Oct 29th of 2022 my husband and I went to a hotel as he got us tickets to go to a dinner murder mystery event, which was a blast, however I think that is where I got covid. Started getting sick on Oct 31st, Nov 1st took a covid test showed neg, then took another one on Nov 2nd positive for Covid.  Then my husband got sick with Covid. Before all of this I was in a good place, I was working out again, had so much energy, I was going places, even walking more. So got better from Covid but as I said got long covid I do not have all of my energy back. Then we got a lot of rain in 2023 which caused flooding in our house that we had been living in for nine years, also battling a leaking roof to where we had dump buckets of water all night every ten mins, so we ended up having to move, to a nicer place. Everything seemed to be going well. Then everything started falling apart, June 6th a friend of mine died suddenly, so as I was grieving her, two weeks later my mom passed away on June 29th. I started working on my grief then Nov 6th Pepe got sick, suddenly, his kidneys started failing, we tried all we could to save him, and on Nov 8th we made the decision to put him to sleep, there was nothing more that the vet could do for my sweet boy. Nov 10th we ended up getting another cat a three month old kitten I named Mozzie, he is now seven months old, born July 24th, everything seemed to be going well, then suddenly Bailey my 13 year old cocker spaniel got sick, first they told us it was a double inner ear infection, and she had an eye infection, so we got meds for that, took her back in for a follow up, they found a heart murmur and enlarged heart, kidney levels elevated and something with her hip as well as dry eyes, so more meds and vet said to get contact eye solution to put in her eyes, which I did, then she started having seizures, Thursday the 18th of Jan was a bad night, she went down hill quickly and was having seizures every two hours, a week prior to that she stopped eating everything but ground turkey, she started losing a lot of weight, anyway, Friday Jan 19th 2024 my husband rushes her to the vet and, She never came home. I had a break down, a big one I was in bed for a month and half I turned 51 yesterday I still haven't figured out how to love myself and do what is best for me, I am still struggling with putting myself first. Though today I got up, brushed my hair, my teeth, put my Beats headphones on, turned on some music and started cleaning the kitchen. I also have been reading House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J. Maas. So yeah that's what the last almost three years have been like in a nutshell. I promise I won't be such a stranger.

 Bailey and Pepe. 

 mom. 1955-2023

Pepe.

Mozzie 3 months old

Like An Inchworm.

 The sun is shining today and it's warm, I can hear the birds singing, which normally I would be happy about, but today all I want to do is stay in bed. I am struggling today with my bipolar depression and feeling of worthlessness.   I have so much to do that I have put off but don't have the motivation to get anything done.  I am also feeling myself slipping into my manic phase which means I'll have to lock up my credit cards.  I tend to buy a lot of books when I am manic as well as pens and journals. 

I had one more chat with the "friend" I cut off, telling her once again why I cut her off, she kept telling me if I responded to her texts then that means I want to work on our friendship, I told her you do not get to give me an ultimatum that I was only responding to the text that I left on read, and that I wished no further contact from her and asked her to stop texting me, she kept doing it.  Then she tried to put the blame on me and bringing up things from the past and telling me that she didn't tell me the whole story of that "crazy friend". This is what narcissists do they turn the blame on you, don't accept that it is them that causes the issues and will try to play the pity me game and say "well you do this to and I always did  this for you and this and I never brought up any of the things you did, I would never do this and this ."  I am glad I broke ties with her and wish I had been this strong and sticking to my guns and boundaries ages ago when broke ties once before.  

I am also struggling to redefine myself, the person that I was once back in the state that I moved from is no longer who I am. I am trying to get on a routine work on taking it one day at a time, trying not to stress about things in my life I cannot control as well as feeling like the house and myself have to be perfect, as well as trying to find a way to deal with eating anxiety, I have been diagnosed with having an eating disorder, I am borderline anorexic, even though  I am overweight. Yes that is a thing due to the fact I restrict my eating, and I am living on 800-1000 calories a day and I get anxious when I have to to eat or even thinking about what to make for meals when I eat, I grab what is quickest and on hand right now, which is not very healthy and a lot of carbs and I stay in bed most of the time and not really exercise. 

I am also feel like I am just existing. I want to do more with my life than what I am doing now, but I am not sure what I want or what to do. I want to travel, but now with COVID  going on, and me still having a fear of flying even though I have done it twice from Missouri to California, I still am scared to fly.  I also have books I want to finish writing or even start writing I am beginning to feel like George R.R. Martin , takes about ten years to write a book. 

I really need to get out of this mindset I am in and get through this sewer I am crawling through like an inchworm. 

Finally Had Enough

 Today I decided I finally had enough, I had enough of being the back burner friend, I had enough of cringing when I would see your name pop up on my phone, I had enough of making excuses why I couldn't answer the phone or text or why I would avoid going out with you on several occasions or why I stopped opening up to you and telling you things going on in my life good or bad, when I used to be so open and excited to talk to you to no end. The reason is I had enough of being told over and over again "You need to push through, get it out of your head, you're playing the victim", I had enough of walking on eggshells, I had enough of only hearing from you when you have nothing else to do and no one else to hang out with, I had enough of the mine is better than yours, I had enough of it always being about you, I had enough of the dismissive behavior, I had enough of not being included, I had enough of being made to feel like shit, I had enough of the negative things you said, I had enough of never meeting your other friends when I asked, I had enough of hearing "I can't" when I would reach out for support, but expecting me to give support in return, I had enough of having to say more than just I am proud of you or great job because you would get upset if I didn't rave about you for moments on end, I had enough of when I would share my accomplishments I got an oh well, or that's good then you start back to talking about yourself again. I had enough of not being able to tell you about other friends I was meeting, because you would start to get jealous.  I've come to realize this whole time I wasn't the only one who felt this way, after hearing about how many friends walked away from  you and felt the same way I did, though you made me think it was,that I wasn't being supportive enough, that I wasn't being a good friend, when I reached out to you after having my darkest day when I tried to end my life, you quickly dismissed me and said "I can't" (meaning I can't extend the support) when I would ask you to come over and visit me so we can have time together you told me "I can't", I had enough of getting only a few moments of your time here and there when it was convenient for you and even then you seemed as if you wanted to be elsewhere, when I would pour my heart out to you, you were distracted by your phone, or making plans with other people as soon as you got rid of me, I felt like I was just an obligation, someone you felt you had to spend time with to fill your friend and good deed quota, and I felt you were just going through the motions not really sincere, I had enough of standing on the outside looking in. I have had enough of trying to walk away only to be made to feel like I was the horrible friend and being made to feel guilty, I had enough of giving you several chances over and over again.  I had enough of not loving myself more and caring about myself more to realize this isn't a friendship and I've had enough. 

*The above is about a toxic friendship and when enough should be enough. If you are experiencing any of this is your relationships or friendships it's time to cut the ties and walk away.  

I had to cut ties and walk away today, by doing so I am taking back my mental health and emotional health by cutting out a toxic person in my life, I realized that you shouldn't try to avoid calls and texts or dread going out, or not want to talk about your accomplishments, or bad days if someone were truly your friend. It's going to hurt for a bit and I know the guilt will come in but stay strong and don't give in. Make new friends ones that won't tell you I can't, or make you feel worse being around them then when you aren't.

Not My Circus Not My Monkeys

 

    Well it's a New Year, I sat on the couch with my husband on New Year's eve waiting for the ball to drop and a bit saddened at the live telecast of Times Square, seeing how empty it was, compared to last year. As the ball dropped I wondered what the new year was going to be like, I didn't dare make the usual resolution to lose weight and say the normal "this year is going to be my year" instead I looked at my husband and said my goals for this year are:

1. To be here now.

2. To Just Breathe.

3. To Know That I am Enough.

4. To Stay Strong  ; 

5. To Remember it's not my circus, not my monkeys. 

 

Number one for me means to only control what I can today to do what I can today, to let the past go and not worry or think of the future.TO BE HERE NOW.

Number Two for me means that when I am feeling overwhelmed or I just feel like my anxiety is getting to me or I am getting irritated at something to stop and JUST BREATHE.

Number Three for me means when I am looking in the mirror and feeling ugly, and worthless, and not good enough or that I am a failure (that's what the voices in my head tell me) I stand there looking in the mirror I am going to tell my self That I AM ENOUGH. 

Number Four for me is that I am not done with this life yet, even though I have tried to end my life, that when I sink down into that dark pit and ready to give up that it will pass I just need to STAY STRONG. 

Number Five when I want to speak before I think or get upset over something that someone is doing or not following the rules, and I just want to mouth off that it's NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS.

I'll Do My Best.

 As I sit here looking out my window, it's sunny but yet raining.  The weather is getting a bit cooler and the nights seem longer. I am amazed at how beautiful this world can be, I am  hearing birds singing and I hear the rain falling, I smell the wet earth and hear the cars passing making the splash noise as they hit a puddle, I hear my neighbor laughing and talking with her friend. I hear the clock ticking as it keeps time minute by minute.

I am a bit sleepy and want to climb under a warm blanket with a good book and a warm drink or even a glass of iced tea or maybe a cup of soup sipping it slowly as I read.  Right now I am calm, but that could change any moment, I can either start to be very depressed or feeling like I can conquer the world and go nonstop like the energizer bunny or even angry and irritated, or wanting to spend and shop buying things I don't really need, or crying for no reason, or feeling like I am ugly and worthless wanting to end it all, my mind is like a car with the accelerator stuck at 120 miles per hour, on some days, other days I feel like I can't climb a hill and going at 2 miles per hour. I could never figure out why I was this way...until my last psych appointment. 

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar, not something I wanted to hear, but a relief that I finally know. So I am going to start reading up on it and start tracking my cycles and doing what I can to help myself. Will be taking it one day at a time. 

I have also decided to start eating small meals every two hours and track my food on fitness pal start sort of doing what I was doing in springfield, eating every two hours, and working out every day, going to start using hand weights like I did, starting out doing five of each of the sets, do DDP bedflex again. 

Try to start doing more self care. I forgot to weigh this morning so I'll do that tomorrow as well as weights. I will also try to be more consistent with my blogging and vlogging and self care. 

I can't make any promises as I am on a roller coaster that is hard to get off of, but I'll do my best. 

Hello Depression My Old Friend.

 So you know how most people can just jump out of bed feeling energized and hit the gym and get breakfast and run a million errands and hang out with friends? That should be a normal thing, right? That is unless you have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. See here is how I wish my days would go: Get up at a decent time around 8am-9am, shower, brush my hair, cleanse my face, work out, grab a smoothie, spend time at my altar, write a blog post, clean the house, fix lunch, meditate, do a youtube video and upload it, do a book of shadows page, work on the book that I have been writing for ten years but keep putting it aside, make dinner, do the dishes, go for a walk, read, have sex with my husband and fall asleep around 11.

In reality this is my day: Wake up at 2 am, go pee, give the pets treats, crawl back into bed, grab my chrome book, check facebook, email, instagram, watch youtube to zone out, tell myself okay one more video as it's helping my mind rest for a moment and keeps the anxiety and depression at bay and makes me forget I have depression for one more day, as it turns off my thoughts, glance at the clock and tell myself I should eat and drink some water, drag myself out of bed into the kitchen, grab a coke zero and make a sandwich, go back to my room and crawl into bed, click another youtube video to get out of my head as I eat...stare at my water container thinking yeah I should really drink some water, yell hello to my husband as he wanders into the living room, tell him I am okay and I am fine, but inside it's a lie, check facebook again, email, and instagram, Sighs wishing I could get motivated and be like those who have a plan and stick with it and loose the weight, get inspired by a person that was once like me, overweight and depressed and now is looking their best and feeling their best, if they can do it so can I, I jump up grab a notebook and a pen and start to make a plan, I'll meal prep and plan, I'll work out, I'll start eating healthy, I'll start going out, I'll start tomorrow, feeling energized and happy that I jotted down my plan I put my notebook down and watch youtube again, I tell myself I need to eat, it's been hours since that sandwich, groans as I have to drag myself out of bed and go prep something goes back to watching youtube wishing I was a domestic goddess like that youtuber who has ten kids, and meal preps for all week, and shops for groceries and cleans her house, while homeschooling her kids (I hate that bitch)

. 7pm I get food, 8pm I am out like a light, two am I am wide awake, forgetting all about or not wanting to remember my one brief moment of inspiration and motivation, what was I thinking I must have been nuts, telling myself I can start tomorrow,  I grab my chromebook and start again as the depression monster whispers so we meet again. 

(picture credit Sow Ay https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic)

It's My Life.

Good Morning Everyone. 

 

I just thought I would sit and type whatever is on my mind at the moment.  I just did the dishes and waiting for them to dry. I am going to be cleaning the kitchen today and doing it little by little.  It's still hot here another month or so of the heat.  I am listening to Journey Wheel In The Sky as I type this and sipping water from my tumbler I got from Etsy that says Murderino on it. (SSDGM to all my MFM listeners). My boy Pepe is wanting my attention so I had to pause to give him some love.  

I am having some memories listening to Who's Crying Now? by Journey, remembering dancing in the gym in high school a slow dance with a good friend of mine that I had a huge crush on, (Heath, if you ever stumble across this blog I still think of you) Yeah before you ask I did divulge my feelings for him many years after high school, but he was already with someone.  Even though I was bullied and picked on in High School and sexually assaulted, I do have some good memories with Brat (her nickname), Jules. Living with my grandparents, MTV, when they actually played music, the movies. At  times I look at myself in the mirror and wonder when in the hell did I get so old? I long for those days again, no not the sexual assault and the bullying but the time with my good friends and the way things were. I would not trade my life as a teen then for the life a teenager has now. 

Sorry about the trip down memory lane for a few moments, on another note my husband got a job, He starts Wednesday and we are finally shopping for a new car. I have also, as I stated removed a negative person from my life. I have been working out more and I can feel that I am gaining muscle in my abdomen area as well as my upper arms, I still have a long way to go. I am up to sixteen bedflex 3 with DDPY. That one hurts like hell. My next step is to get some ankle weights and start using those when I do my back and forth walk. I have decided to work on a better, stronger, more positive me, because you know it's my life.