I'm Trying My Best and That's All I Can Do.

 

Yeah so it's been one of those weeks, you know those weeks where you have every intention of starting those goals you set for yourself, or you mean to get back to them, but life comes in like Mike Tyson throwing the old knockout punches. Yeah that's what this week has been like for me. I am trying to figure out where the hell I want to be in this game of life and trying to figure out who I want to be or what I want to be, the idea me would be someone who gets up every morning and is perky, gets their bed made, meditates, works out, makes a healthy breakfast, cleans up the house and then spends all day reading or working on that book I keep saying I am writing, I am writing a book and I have made some progress on it, but anyway that's a whole other story.  Right now I stay up until three am either reading, or playing Dreamlight Valley on the Macbook, or doing both then listening to Critical Role, and fall asleep to that playing then I'll wake up at noon or one pm, get out of bed, grab my water bottles and fill them then back to go crawl into bed and just stare at the screen or I'll read or listen to Critical Role while playing Dream Light Valley, while telling myself yeah I'll set my timer and then do some stretches or bed exercises or walk a few laps in the house and then I go back to being a slug. While this little guy keeps me company 

That's an old picture of Mozzie,  he is going to be turning 2 in July. Don't get me wrong I have exercised and I did meditate and I have lost 17 pounds but yeah I slacked off big time. I keep telling myself I'll get back to it and I will. I did sit down and have a stern yet have a gentle talking to myself. I asked myself why am I hanging on to the trauma of the past? Why am I allowing my estranged dad to live rent free in my head? Why is it hard for me to put me first and stop worrying about and checking on others?  It's almost five pm and I have been awake for for four hours, the only thing I have done so far was to fill up my water, write a journal entry in my journal, make vegetable beef soup, that is cooking now, and write this blog post and order grocery delivery for tomorrow.  I know I know you are saying well that is a lot, for me it isn't, I want to go back to sleep, I haven't worked out, I haven't meditated, I wanted to start getting back to being witchy, I didn't even do anything for Ostara, which is the Pagan "Easter" and was on March 20th, I have plans to organize my books and start a TBR jar of my unread books, I am doing six reading challenges and am about to give up and just read what I want to read or do the TBR jar and pull out reads. I want to read a lot more and become more bookwormish. So why can't I do all those things, I know I can, but my mind and this mental block, my unhealed inner child are all tugging on me going hey, don't forget us, you need to put us first, oh and did I mention my spoon counter is like uh you're out of spoons. I still have to change the sheets on my bed. You know right now  is a good time to step back and take a deep breath and drink some water, and eat some soup and tell myself, there is always tomorrow, "I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. 

Happy Fucking Birthday To Me.

 

Yep, I know you don't have to say it, it's been a year since my last post, yeah I know I did say I was going to try to be more consistent..I am not going to make up any excuses, nope the truth is..I've been in a bad depressive episode, so bad in fact that I don't want to get out of bed and the only time I do, is to play Disney Dream light Valley for hours on end then crawl my ass back to bed.  Sometimes I only get up to go pee and then crawl back into bed, where I grab my Macbook and play Dream Light Valley, I also read, I read 11 books in Jan, and only four, maybe five, hell I don't remember in Feb.  Anyway yeah depression sucks and all and you'll have people tell you,oh you just have to find some reason  to get up and get out of bed, or you just have to push through and not let it keep you in bed, well fuck that, no you don't the only thing you need to do is focus on you, if you want to stay in bed then do it, if the only thing you can manage is to get up to go pee and maybe brush your teeth and run a wet washcloth over certain body parts to feel clean and swipe something on so your armpits don't stink then so be it, and even if that is too much then so be it.  I turned 52 yesterday, it felt just like any other day for me, I didn't even feel like celebrating, my husband spent part of the day at his mom's, I woke up thinking he would have thought to have gone out before I woke up, went to the store got me a balloon, some flowers and a card he spent time picking out and maybe writing a sweet message in...nope nothing. Though I can't complain he gave me money to buy books, and I did have to make my own cupcakes and prep the other stuff, I just wanted not to have had planned anything out, and you know and have someone make my cupcakes and surprised me, and maybe remembered what take out food was my favorite and went and got it instead of me having to say hey...why don't you go pick up such and such from such and such place, it would have been nice to have been surprised with it...so then when he got home, we ate, turned on a movie and we were watching it, had just 45 mins left, he gets up and says I am done, I was like what, he goes I am tired and am going to bed..I was like okay we have maybe 45 mins left.he turns off the movie and says goodnight and goes to bed, I am like okay...so I only got an hour spent with him at the most..on my birthday...even though I wasn't feeling it and feeling emotional, due to missing my mom, I was making an effort, was I laughing at the comedy, nope as certain subjects in that movie I didn't find funny, if you've ever seen The Dictator Unrated Version, you'll know what I am talking about....that's not even the movie I wanted to see, he picked it not me, so after he went to bed, I went to my room and vegged out with Critical Role, played Dream Light Valley, and read. I do want to thank someone I met on an online app, who has become a great and dear friend, she sent me a birthday card it was so sweet and kind, I haven't gotten a birthday card in years, Kaley, thank you so much!! It meant so much to me, even my own family never calls or sends one, one of my aunts out of my whole family was the only one to send me a happy birthday message on Facebook, because of the hey so and so's birthday is today, wish them a happy birthday, if that didn't pop up I don't think anyone would have said anything at all. That is okay actually, the whole point I am making with this, what seems like I am complaining, I am not, I wanted to say if no one celebrates your day, celebrate yourself, throw yourself a party, I did by making my own cupcakes, telling him what I wanted to eat, picking out my own books with my money he and my mother in law gave me, I just might wrap those suckers when they get here and then have the pleasure of ripping them open, buy those flowers and balloons and pick out your own card, as I said celebrate yourself. I ended the day by lounging in bed, feeling relaxed and yeah a bit emotional, as it will be two years almost since my mom died, watching Critical Role, and playing a game I love a lot, and that is how I spent my birthday celebrating myself, so happy fucking birthday to me and to you, whatever day it maybe, if I can find the recipe I used, I'll edit this post and add it in so you can make the same ones, they are dense, and not to sweet.